


Somewhere That's Green

by thebitchofdathomir



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Although that's where it started but lol I drifted off course, And love, And the green dress from Atonement?, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, As Rian intended, Ben starts off as an accountant, But rediscovers his passions for art, Canon Compliant Age Difference, Childhood Friends, F/M, Historical Inaccuracy, I speedtrack Ben's self-actualizing/redemption, I'm going to say historical inaccuracy again, It's 1935...ish, It's actually not an Atonement AU, M/M, Masturbation, Now we're here, Remember that house from Atonement?, Rey is really into botany and gardening, Sad virginal Ben gets a new outlook on life, Which I admire but I'm horrible with plants, author is a known plant murderer, because I'm impatient and these days I am only capable of writing soft Ben, but Reylo babies are my weakness, but instead of space, but it's in the fic so i tagged it, but thanks for coming, for the people in the back, honestly, i hate that word, it's the 1930's in England and Ben and Rey frolic through the flowers like the soulmates they are, it's what we deserve, not sure yet - Freeform, omg stop, summary sucks as usual, this will probably have a Reylo baby in it too, virgins, which I haven't done in a while
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:08:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 48,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24829588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebitchofdathomir/pseuds/thebitchofdathomir
Summary: Everything changes when Ben gets a letter from his mother, revealing his father has passed away.Ben has been away for so long and he's not sure what to expect, he just knows that he feels different and his job at the First Order in New York has been twisting his gut for too long. So for the first time in his career, he takes leave, promising to return by the end of the month after he has some time to see what he's been missing.But as he's greeted with the open arms of his mother as well as the attentions of someone he thought was long gone, Ben wonders if he will return to New York at all...and if the belonging he was seeking was finally in his grasp.After pushing it away once, perhaps he knows better than to do it again.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 30
Kudos: 64





	1. Leaving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, well, I hop all over the place, and then I started writing another story. I'm still working on the other ones too but I'm weak so YEET now we're getting this one.
> 
> New York 1930s  
> 

Ben read the line five times but it still wasn’t really computing in his head. 

_Your father has passed away._

He fell into his armchair. He didn’t even remember it was there. He could have fallen to the floor and not have noticed. It could not compare to the blow that had speared through his chest and his mind. 

It took him a week to open this letter. He had left it on the mantelpiece and looked at it every night but he hasn’t had the courage to open it. He rarely spoke to his family. He knew they were upset he was still in the States and working at the First Order and he knew he was always a disappointment anyway. He was expecting it to be more criticisms or pleadings for him to quit his job or something along the lines of what he's come to realize as an unending disappointment that Ben knew could never be healed. 

But then he caved and opened it and now it all seemed so much worse than what he had been imagining. His mother declaring that his father was dead and that they were holding the service at the house with the date enclosed as she practically begged him to come. And judging from the date at the top, Ben might have been able to attend had he opened it when it arrived. 

But it was too late. He missed it.

Ben closes his eyes, clenching the paper in his hands. His lip trembled as he felt the burn of tears he hasn’t shed in years. Sobs leave his throat and they are almost strangling as he tries to find breath. 

At first, Ben didn’t know why he was crying. He had long ago decided he hated his father. Han Solo was weak and foolish and Ben had to do anything to ensure he was the polar opposite of the man. But now, all he could think about was old memories. Memories Ben had tried to shut away and forget. 

Riding on his father's shoulders when he was still tiny enough to do so. Laughing wildly as they rode in his car through the countryside. How Han would try to tamper his hair so it wasn’t so obvious to his mother how fast they were going, the proof evident in his windswept locks. 

Ben leaned over on his knees, feeling almost dizzy with grief. It was too much. 

He had been so angry as a teenager when Han would leave for weeks and never come back. The arguments they used to have would echo through the house. First in the states and then in England. The summer house his mother had apparently made her permanent home. 

Ben feels sick. 

As angry as he’s been with his family, _with Han Solo,_ he knows why his gut was making him hunch over. He knows he was supposed to be there. 

He missed the funeral. All because he was too afraid and too selfish to open the fucking letter. 

Hours pass and he hasn’t moved. It must be the middle of the night by now but he hasn’t looked at anything except the letter in his hands. He knows Snoke was expecting him to show up by seven in the morning but for whatever reason, the thought of just wiping his eyes and walking into work tomorrow feels like a fucking joke. 

He can’t do it. 

But what could he possibly do now? It’s not like he could just write a letter back with his condolences. As much as he’s tried to deny his lineage, his hours of sitting like a child have been too revealing. 

Clearly, he hasn’t renounced anything. He’s just buried it and buried it out of sight but never forgotten. The hatred in his heart for his father maybe wasn’t hatred after all. Maybe he resented him. Blamed him for being gone and just walking away when the arguments between him or his mom sparked up. 

But maybe...maybe Ben just focused so much on the bad to push away the good they used to have. 

He hasn’t thought about the good times in so long. Surprisingly enough, he had them.

How he used to look forward to every summer when they would return to the Chandrila property in England. How he would spend hours exploring the house. Playing hide and seek with Rey or they would run through the fields, chasing after Cheiwe when he stole something from the kitchen. 

_Rey._

She was probably the best friend he ever had, even if she was a lot younger than him. He hasn’t seen her since he was seventeen. That was the last summer he had been at the house. She was so tiny and he felt so protective of her.

He'll never forget how terrified she was when they first discovered her living in the house.

Rey had run away from the orphanage she was staying in when she was about five years old and had squatted in the massive house without Maz or Lor's notice. But after they settled in one summer, Ben found her in his closet one day. As startled as he was, he probably scared her way more than she scared him. She wouldn't talk to anyone for days. But once he offered her his Teddy Bear and half his lunch, she finally branched out and told them her name. 

When the police had finally arrived, they said they would return her to the orphanage but his mother stopped them, saying there was a reason this girl ran away and she didn't want to go back. Since the man who ran the orphanage, Plutt, never reported her missing, they let Rey stay. Immediately, his mother started reaching out to her friends. Ensuring that someone could give her a home when they returned to the States. 

Rey loved Han and Leia. She told Ben, a few weeks after staying with them, “I wish they were _my_ mummy and daddy. Plutt said mine didn’t want me.”

It had broken his heart but he didn’t really know what to say, so he just passed her a flower and told her that she had a family with them, no matter what. She looked up at him with big eyes, in awe. 

Rey was the kind of child that his parents should have had. 

Hell, they should have just adopted her and sent him off sooner, he scoffs to himself. Rey was sent to do her schooling with another friend of his mother's, Mon Mothma. She was a headmaster at her own girl's Academy had welcomed Rey early, giving her an education and a found family of her own in England. Ahsoka Tano, another old friend of his parents and an instructor at the Academy, was something of a foster mother to her.

And every summer, she was allowed to return and spend the time with them. 

She deserved the world and she wasn’t flawed like him. He was committed to being miserable and finding the dark clouds in everything. Whereas little Rey, wherever she was now, she was probably still bringing light wherever she went. 

Thinking of her and the words she said about his parents make him realize that the least he should do is visit. He should go and try to make amends with his family. Because even if he feels a certain way about them, he knows he was lucky enough to have parents...and maybe he should at least see his mother before it was too late. To return before both his parents were gone and all he had left were memories. 

Shit, he didn't even have any pictures in his apartment. He can only picture them all in his head. Han. Leia. _Rey._

Snoke wouldn’t approve, Ben already knows. It was Snoke who has constantly insisted over the years, every holiday season, every birthday he missed, that no matter what, work came first. And if your family didn’t approve, then you forget them. And that was an effective way of thinking for people like Snoke and Hux that only ever thought of money and numbers.

But looking around his stylish, quiet, empty apartment...Ben knows he is not the same. He's known for a while actually, but he didn't know how to fit anywhere else so he just continued on, thinking he was the problem and that everything else was normal. But money doesn’t fill any void that he constantly feels gaping in his chest. He wasn’t like the others.

And suddenly, he just has the urge to go home. To see his mother and hug her and try to bridge the gap of the years he hasn’t seen her. _Fuck,_ it’s been so long.

He finally stands up, moving to his closet and pulling out his suitcase, quickly throwing clothes inside.

He knows what he has to do. 

* * *

“Vacation?” Snoke asks as if he had just tasted something sour.

Ben clears his throat, trying to bear himself for the inevitable. “I have never taken a vacation in all the years I’ve worked for you.”

“But where are you going? I know you, young Solo, you’re not the vacation type. You enjoy nothing but to sit home with your nose in a book, brooding like the child you are.” 

He gives a humorless kind of laugh as he sets his mug to the side. “I can’t even imagine what you might consider fun. Despite having my own lounge, I still pick up n the gossip they say about you. Hell, Hux told me himself. He tells me you never go out with everyone else, _to the clubs and the parties_. Surely you’ve heard the rumors.”

“Yes, sir. I have.”

Hux had spread a joke that he was impotent and if Ben had anything substantial to back that up, _to dispute it,_ then maybe he would have argued it. But since it seemed like for once Hux might be onto something, Ben just hoped everyone moved on. He would rather they mock his ears at this point, even if he was tired of his place of work is no better than a playground with a bunch of stuck up schoolboys. 

“Suddenly you think you’ll bode well on the beaches or wherever it is you’ve decided on. This is your place. You should know that by now. Honestly, boy, there’s no use kidding yourself. You belong in this building and nowhere else. I can assure you the rest of the world would tell you the same.”

“I understand. But, I’m almost thirty years old and...well, I just think I need a little air. I’ve been really overwhelmed and I think I need to clear my head.”

“Oh shut up. Spare me,” Snoke snaps, leaning forward from his casual pose to a more direct and aggressive stance upon his desk. “Why don’t you stop bullshitting me and maybe I’ll listen to you. But if you’re wasting my time then fuck off and–”

“My father is dead,” Ben blurts out, devoting everything he has not to let his tears return. 

Snoke’s face changes as he suddenly understands. And then he gives a low chuckle. “Ahh, I see now. You want to go home.”

“I just need to go back and–”

“You think you need to go back because you owe them something?” Snoke interrupts him. “You need to go back to remind yourself why you’re here? You have to beat yourself over the head with why you’ve built something on your own and stepped away from them?”

“It would only be a visit. It wouldn’t change anything,” Ben tells him, doubting his words already. He felt so desperate to be over with this discussion. He wanted to run to the elevator and back outside and take in a lung full of air. 

Something in him broke last night after he read that letter and perhaps it was more than just any one thing. Perhaps part of it was his patience to put up with Snoke’s bullying. He was used to just putting up with it, believing his words, but now it made him just want to run. 

He was terrified of the man. He knew better than to tell Snoke about his father but he had gotten it out of him anyway. 

_Fucking hell. I can't even breathe._

“We are finally starting to see a substantial profit for the first time since the recession began." Snoke rarely referred to it as the Depression. Another way to distance himself from everyone else, believing himself and his company unaffected. "Every quarter we’re getting better and part of that is because of how you have assisted me. No one knows the numbers as you do. Even Hux knows that but he’s able to pull his weight that you don’t. You still won’t cooperate with the other collectors.”

And he didn’t want to. “Collectors” was a formal title for a bunch of thugs that traveled around to the properties and threatened people that were late on their rent. A job title Hux took a lot of pride in and one Ben has never been able to stomach. Snoke has made him ride along with them on multiple occasions and the violence always gone far beyond what he could handle. No one should get hurt just because they can't pay their bills. Especially now. 

“We need more effort than ever to keep up with rising business. I purchased all those properties when things crashed so I could use it to my advantage now,” Snoke says, leaning back in his chair. He looks almost leisurely but Ben knows he’s still angry. 

And Ben felt angry too.

Snoke was profiting while people all over this city were still starving every day. But Snoke has never given people (especially people with lower standing than him) compassion. To him, compassion was a weakness which is why he managed to somehow thrive in the Depression while so many others suffered. 

And Ben just let it happen. He just let it all pass him by. 

Which means he may be no better than Snoke. A fact that he has ignored for a long time and now, as he let Snoke belittle him all the more, he wonders if it’s too late. Maybe his mother would hate who he became. Maybe his parents always hated him as Snoke convinced him they did.

“But I’ll tell you what…” Snoke says after a long moment, an unsettling smirk on his face. “If it’s a reminder you need, then perhaps I’ll give it to you. You can go off on your little expedition to find exactly what I’ve been telling you. Those people are as dead to you as your father now is to himself,” he laughs as if it was funny. “With luck, you’ll come back with the determination to do your job without moping as you have been lately. Don't think I haven't' noticed. I didn't say anything because it wasn't affecting your work but come on, it’s fucking childish.”

Ben’s teeth grind in his mouth. He’s gotten no sleep and he had cried for hours last night. And he would give every fucking thing he has to just get out of this office as fast as he can. 

So instead of saying anything, he just nods. “I understand.”

“Let’s see,” Snoke trails off, huffing at his calendar. “We’ve got that meeting about the possible merger with the Tyranus cooperation at the end of the month. They’ve already absorbed the Trade Federation and if we can manage to merge with them it will really put us at the top,” he sneers to himself. “As long as you’re back before then, I suppose you can go take your time.”

“Thank you, sir,” Ben stands up with a nod, "I promise that when I return, I'll be refocused and ready to work." The words seem to bore Snoke as if he can also taste how bland and empty they seemed. Ben ignored it, just turning around and making a beeline for the door. Whatever happened when he came back happened. For now, he knew he just had to leave and deal with this later. At the very least, he was glad Snoke let him go. 

But then he speaks up again. “I suggest you keep your eyes open and take advantage of what I’ve given you. You work with the books. You see the payroll. You know awarding holidays isn’t part of my nature. Get this shit out of your system and have your ass ready to work when you get back.”

“Yes, sir,” Ben says as steadily as he can. When Snoke puts his feet on the desk and pulls out the paper again, Ben takes that as his cue to flee. 

As he walks as quickly as he can for the elevator, Hux must see him fly past his office because he chases after him. “Solo!”

“I’m busy,” he throws back, in desperate need of fresh air. He arrives at the elevator, frantically pressing the button and holding back a curse when Hux slides beside him with the cocky grin on his face. 

“What’s your rush? You just clocked in.”

“I’ve got an–” he rushes to think of an excuse, “an appointment.”

Hux scoffs. “Don’t tell me. You're off to the doctor to ask him how it’s possible a man your age has yet to get laid?”

“Fuck off,” Ben said, pressing the button again. He wasn’t in the mood. 

“Ah, still a sore spot for you then? A rich boy like you shouldn't have to let it bother him so much. Not when you could just pay for it,” Hux says with a mocking sort of sympathy, as if he's actually helping him. Ben tenses further, pushing the button again. Hux had always favored the kind of company that can be bought because they can be compensated to award him with the God complex he had developed. But then Hux bursts out laughing, stepping closer with a smirk. “You know, I’ll never forget how fast you ran out of that one club after I paid that girl to flash you.”

_Fuck,_ he hated that memory. He wishes he could forget it. 

It was nearly five years ago now.

Ben had told Hux thirty times he wanted to return to the First Order after they finished their business with the manager of a popular club but they all came in the same car and Hux and the other collectors wanted to stay and watch the girls dance. Ben waited by the door, ready to just burst outside and hail a taxi back to work but then Hux whispered in some girl’s ear and passed her some cash before she sauntered over to Ben and took off her top. And when Ben panicked, they all fucking laughed at him as he bolted outside. 

Hux pats him on the shoulder and Ben immediately shrugs him off. It doesn’t deter his laughter though. “You made me a lot of money that night actually. I bet Mitaka you’d run for the hills when you saw tits for the first time.”

Ben turns to him, flames on the side of his face. “You know it’s really funny that you can find so much amusement in my torment but why don’t you just fuck off to your office and do whatever it is you do here.” Aside from threatening people, Ben honestly doesn’t know. 

Finally, the elevator opens and Ben rushes inside, avoiding his eyes. 

“You know, Solo,” he says lowly, standing in the doorway so Ben couldn’t go down. “You may think you’re pivotal in this business, but Snoke knows, just like everyone else here,” he points behind them back to the offices, “that you don’t have what it takes. One of these days Snoke will outgrow his patience with you. Your efficiency with numbers will not overshadow how fucking pathetic you really are. And when that time comes, when Snoke finally dumps you to the curb, I'll be celebrating. Because as special as you like to think you are...you’re replaceable.”

He slips away with a smirk, thinking he’s won when Ben didn’t have an answer. 

Ben stood there as the doors closed, relieved to finally be alone, and trying not to let Hux taunt him any more than this entire morning already has. He had to move forward. 

He had a plane to catch.

* * *

Air travel was only for people who could afford it. Ben spent very little of his substantial income but he always carried cash, more so than usual after he stopped by the bank. He wasn’t totally sure how much he paid for the ticket. He passed a wad of bills over and didn’t ask questions when he got no change back. Besides, his ears were ringing and his palms were sweaty as he gripped the handle of his suitcase. 

He’s been on planes before. The First Order took him many places beyond just New York. As disorienting and uncomfortable as it had been at first, he had adjusted to it. But he’s never been this nervous. 

Perhaps it wasn’t so much the plane ride as it was the destination that unsettled him. 

For the first time in years...he was going to confront his mother.

As he settled in his seat, he pulled out the letter from his pocket, reading it over and over again. 

Compared to the letters she used to send him, this one was brief. Perhaps because he never wrote back she had kept in concise, not willing to exert more than the basic information in case he hadn’t read it. And he almost hadn’t.

And after years of pushing it all away, ignoring letters and isolating himself, he found himself diving right back in. He was going back to the home he had spent so many summers.

And he was fucking shaking. Ben could hardly get the cigarette to his lips without making a scene. 

He really hoped this wasn't a mistake. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really should hold off and wait until I know what I'm doing with this before I posted it but I have no self-control. Let's just see what happens.
> 
> I've told myself to keep this short but I can already tell it's going to get out of hand.


	2. Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben returns home (pretend it's that one^)

Ben took a taxi, then a train, and then another taxi but he finally arrived back at the old familiar place. 

The Chanrila property that sat so poised in the English countryside.

They drive through the gates, passing through the road of the substantial land. After living in the city for so long, he forgets how big the countryside could be. He can’t believe how beautiful it looks now, with the help of the early spring. There are flowers that line the road. 

It was strange they always called it a house because it was, truthfully, an old manor. A mansion, really. 

The car comes to a stop and Ben searches for his wallet. He goes to pay the taxi driver but he’s already out of British money despite getting some converted when he landed, he now only has American. 

“Shit, you don’t take these do you?” Ben asks, almost with a wince, already knowing the answer.

“I ain’t takin’ no greenbacks,” the man barks. 

“Right. Give me a minute.”

He huffs to himself, not wanting this to be how he sees his mother for the first time in so long but quickly running out of fucks to give about it. So he knocks in the door, waiting awkwardly as the taxi driver gave him a wary eye from the car. 

As he knocked, inside he could hear the muffled barking of dogs, although they didn’t sound like old Chewie’s barks. It sounded like smaller dogs. 

The door opens but it isn’t his mother that answers. 

“Junior?” 

It was Maz. Barely even four foot tall Maz with lenses thicker than a telescope and hair as white as snow. And yet as long as Ben could remember she’s always looked like this. He had no idea how old she was by now but the years never seemed to catch up with her. She was always sharp. 

“My god, you’ve gotten large,” is all she says before opening the door wider and two dogs, shorter than Ben’s knees scurry around, sniffing his shoes, inspecting him. 

“Hi, Maz.”

“You’re late, you know. The service was days ago.”

“I know. I’m sorry but I-“

The car horn blares behind him as the driver sticks out his head. “Oi!”

Ben shakes his head, exhausted and tired and dirty from the journey but clinging to the cash in his hand. 

“I’ve only got American money left. Can I possibly do a trade?” He asks her. 

She chuckles at him before looking back to the taxi. “How much he owe you?”

“Twenty pence!” he barks.

“Twenty pence,” Maz chuckles, reaching into her apron and pulling out the amount before handing it to Ben. He tries to give her cash but she waves it away. “It’s on me, kid. Just pay the man and bring your massive self inside. I’ll call for your mother.”

Ben gulps, knowing the moment he has been fearing was coming. He turns around to give the man his money before gathering his jacket, suitcase, and discarded tie before stepping back for the house. 

And as he stepped in, setting his things down, he turns to see his mother descending the stairs with Maz close behind her. 

“Ben!” she cried out. 

Ben froze for a moment. She looked so much older than he remembered. He didn’t remember her hair being so gray or looking as small as she did. As if she’s shrunk and now Maz doesn’t look as short as she did when she stood beside him. She’s smaller than he recalls her ever being and he thinks it goes beyond just him getting taller.

“Mother,” he croaked out as she came to stand before him, unsure what to do. Unsure if she was going to smack him or what. 

But then her arms wrap around him in an embrace that felt so foreign and yet so familiar all at once. 

He can’t remember the last time someone hugged him but if he could guess, he would say it was her. 

He can’t believe he’s gone so long without something as simple as a hug. He bends his knees a bit, trying to bridge the gap so he could hug her back as well as he can. 

It floods back to him in an instant as he remembers how easy it used to seem. As if for just a moment, the near-decade of separation didn’t exist. 

As if he wasn’t the horrible son that he knew deep down he was. 

Tears fall from his eyes as he pulls away. “Mom, I’m...I’m sorry I-“

“It’s alright now. You’re home. You’re here.”

He sobs against her tiny shoulder and he feels absolutely helpless. Like he was suddenly six years old and she’s holding him after he scraped his knee. 

But it’s so much more. And for whatever reason, the fact that she’s not even mad breaks him all the more. She’s been here all this time ready to welcome him home and he’s been so ignorant of it. 

And then, without even realizing he’s said the words they flood out of him and it takes another cry form his mother to realize how true they were.

“I missed you, mom.”

* * *

Maz took his things as his mother pulled him into the study. The little dogs tried to follow them but Leia told them to accompany Maz and they obeyed, moving in the opposite direction. Ben smirked, admiring the little faces and how surprisingly well they listened.

But as she closes the door, Ben tries to recall what he wanted to say. He wanted to talk to her alone. As welcoming as she had been, there were things he wanted to get off his chest. Things he had been rehearsing in his head since he bought his plane ticket. 

But as soon as she sits down on the couch next to him, reaching for his hand, she looks to him with teary eyes and a hopeful smile. “How long are you planning on staying?”

“Well,” Ben clears his throat, trying to recall Snoke’s words. He’s been so caught up in his head, thinking about coming home, he forgot the conditions he had promised his boss. “I have to be back before the last Friday of the month. I have a big meeting to get back to.”

Leia’s face falls a bit but she nods. 

“But I figure I’m okay until then. As long as I can get another flight in time, I can stay until then.”

“Well, that’s lovely. We can fix up one of the rooms for you. We could even get your old room back in order but you would need a new bed. You’ve certainly gotten bigger since I last saw you,” she chuckles proudly, reaching to pat his broad shoulder. “Are you still running in the mornings?”

He nods. “Most days, yeah,” he says, surprised she remembered. He loved to run as a kid and this property certainly let him do plenty of it. They came here only for the summers before they would return home for the States, but it’s been a long time since his mother has returned to New York. She’s focused her work here, helping people and families after the war and the ongoing Depression. 

Whereas she and his father had been helping, Ben had become a cog in the machine that brought more suffering to the impoverished and more money to Snoke’s pockets. If she knew the truth she would hate him, he thinks. 

But he needed to address other things before he dared to even delve into that mess.

“Mother, I...I wanted to first apologize for not being able to be here for dad’s–”

_Dad’s what?_ Can he actually say funeral? Maybe he was too much of a coward to even do that.

Her hand seizes his tighter as she waits for him to say it. 

His throat burns as he looks at her and all he can think about is how he curled into himself the other night in his apartment, filled with grief as the news speared through his chest. 

“I know I could never atone for leaving as I did. For ignoring you as I did. I was...I was angry and confused, not that it’s any excuse but I just let it eat away at me until I thought everything was attacking me and although I didn’t agree with how Luke ran his school or how dad was always gone...or how you and I used to fight,” he says hoarsely and he feels her shaking. He looks up to see tears flowing down her cheeks.

“That doesn’t mean that what I did was right either. But I ignored that. I kept deflecting it all, burying it away at the bottom of all the other shit I let get piled up in my life. So when I got your letter…” his tears spill over. “I just let it sit there. And had I just built up the courage and fucking opened it at the first thing then...then maybe I could have been here sooner. But I waited and waited and when I finally found the courage to open it last night or wherever it was–I have no idea what day it is anymore, I haven’t slept–it made me realize that all this animosity came flooding out of me and I...I just really missed you and him. I missed it here and how much fun I used to have and I feel like I forced all that good stuff out of me. But now it’s too late and I–” Ben sobs, unable to continue.

“Ben,” his mother says, her voice surprisingly clear as she clutches his hands. “Your father and I made a lot of mistakes. We’re far from perfect and although it broke me when you left Luke’s school and shut us out...in a way, I understood. I could see your emotions so clearly and yet I did nothing to help you how I should’ve. I made it so much worse most days and I’m sorry. And your father,” she chuckles softly, “Ben, your father came to see that too. And do you want to know what the last thing he told me was?” she asks him, knowing full well she would tell him regardless but he nods anyway, hanging onto her every word.

“He said to me,” she smiles, even though her tears come through, “‘Tell Ben I’m sorry. And that no matter what, I love him.’”

Ben’s heart can’t take it, he sobs harder than any man his age should do in front of his mother but he doesn’t care. 

And then her tiny hands reach out, gently framing his face, looking him straight in the eye. “He believed, as much as I did, that you could always come home. No matter what, you’re our boy, and we love you. Your home can be anywhere you want but I would be honored if you could give me another chance to give you one, or to at least remind you that you can always have one with me. _With us._ I love you so much, Ben.”

He dives forward, hugging her tightly and crying into her shoulder. She wraps her arms around him and he feels like, for the first time in so long, he can breathe. Even if he was crying, he feels different, like a weight from his shoulders had lifted or the rock from his stomach had disintegrated. 

It’s like the sky had cleared and he’s so fucking glad he opened that letter and didn’t toss it into the fire or let it get buried under books. It brought him here and his head felt more clear than it had in years. 

“I love you too, Mom.”

* * *

They stay there for a long time, just talking in the study while they dry their tears. 

His mother tells him about her work and what she’s been doing lately. She says that it’s a lot of the same crew from the old days. Lando and Amilyn and a bunch of other familiar names that Ben hasn’t heard in so long. 

He asks about Chewie after they hear the distant barking of the smaller dogs but she shakes her head, looking solemn. “No, we lost Chewie a while ago, I’m afraid. He was traveling with your father at the time but he was old. Like everyone else.”

Ben was sad to hear it, recalling his fondness for the big dog and remembering the one time he tried to prop Rey up on Chewie’s back so she could ride him like a pony. 

“But now we’ve got the little tiny guys. Beebee and Dio. They like you already, I can tell.”

She also says that there are several tenants in the house that stay in the guest rooms. Several people that had fallen on hard times because of the slump and needed a place to stay. She mentions one man, Finn, even grew up in one of the programs she and Amilyn had started.

She doesn’t charge anyone. She said she liked to have a house full of kind people that had nowhere else to go, but most of them insisted on doing chores and helping out as some sort of compensation. She says they were all so supportive before and during the funeral which makes Ben’s heart twist. He should have been one of those people and these tenants no doubt know that too. He suspects they won’t like him very much, seeing all the strife he’s caused to the woman they all must admire very much.

But he presses that down for now, following her stories.

He knows she avoids mentioning Luke. He had heard that his school has closed down during the Depression and he wonders if he had returned to help Leia out. If he was actually somewhere in the house. 

Knowing he would need to prepare himself if that were the case, he decides to ask. “Is Luke here?” his voice, even to him sounds shaky.

Leia sighs before shaking her head. “I haven’t heard from him in so long.”

“He didn’t come to the funeral?” Ben asks surprised. 

Leia just shakes her head. “I write to him but I don’t have any idea where he’s staying now. He’s...well, you heard about the school, I imagine?”

Ben nods, trying not to think back to it. He had packed up quicker than he had to come here now.

“The last letter I got from him was after you left. He told me that you were okay but didn’t say much else. But I know him well enough. He felt guilty, just like the rest of us for putting so much pressure on you. So he…” Leia waves her hands in the air, looking more than a little sad. “...vanished.”

Ben doesn’t know what to say. As enlightening as his thoughts have been since he opened that letter and as welcoming as his mother had been, Ben thinks that when it comes to Luke, he would need an apology from him before anything. Even then, just thinking of the guy still pissed him off.

But he didn’t have to think about that. Luke wasn’t here and although Ben was no better until about an hour ago when he arrived, he still resents him for not communicating with Leia. 

Where his mother might have expected him to get upset and lash out, she expected more from Luke. She trusted him.

But then she waves her hands, as if to clear the air as a smile appears once more. “Enough of the sad stuff. Let’s focus on the good. I’m dying to hear what’s been going on in your life.”

Ben shrugs, “I’ve just been working,” he says casually, not really wanting to dive into the logistics of the First Order. He knows she wouldn’t approve. 

“No, I don’t mean work,” she scoffs. “I mean, have you got a young woman in your life?” she asks, looking to his ring finger. “If not a wife then perhaps a girlfriend?”

_Shit. Now he would prefer to talk about work._

“Uh, no,” he says sheepishly.

“Boyfriend?” she asks with only curiosity and no judgment.

Still, it gives him pause as he shakes his head. “Uh, n-no.”

“No one?” she asks, sounding almost heartbroken.

He shakes his head in confirmation. “No one.”

“How can that be? Just look at you,” she smiles, pinching his cheek. “You’re adorable.”

Ben rolls his eyes. “Stop.”

“I mean it.”

“Mother,” he starts. “The truth is that I have never gotten on well with people. At work, I deal with numbers and the usual selection of assholes but when it comes to desire or attraction...I think I’m missing something.” That's the easiest way to explain it to his mother, not wanting to say anymore.

Leia watches him, studying him at his remark. But then, after a moment passes, she smirks. “You’re waiting for someone special,” she says resolutely. “I can tell.”

“Mom, I don’t think–”

“No, trust me, I know the look. And when you find what you’re looking for, it’s all going to clear up. You’ll see," she nods, smirking at him like she knows something. "They’ll turn up, whoever they are.”

He scoffs, deciding it was better to at least agree with her, even if he was overly skeptical. She says this like it’s so easy to fix. As if this issue could solve itself if the circumstances were presented accordingly and ignoring the fact that when it came to talking to people _, talking to women with the intent of desire,_ was just foreign territory and a pressure he had long ago decided he didn’t need in his life. And yet he just humors his mother, hoping her enthusiasm would die down once she realized he was a lost cause. “Alright then.”

“But just so I can get an idea...would you be looking for a girl or a boy?’

“Mom!”

“Well, I just thought I’d ask. I don’t discriminate. If you’re happy, you’re happy and the law can piss off.”

Ben chuckled, “I’m not a homosexual if that’s what you’re asking.”

“So, a girl then?”

“Mom, please don’t go soulmate searching for me. I’m here to see _you,_ not find a bride. Besides, I assure you, no one would want me. I’m not exactly capable of much interest, I’m afraid.”

“That’s what you think but you have so much to offer. Really, you do.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re my mother,” he tells her, smirking.

“That I am,” she smiles again. “Oh, Ben, I’m so happy you’re here. I can’t tell you how much it means to me.”

Grateful to finally be on a new track of conversation, Ben nods. “Me too.”

She leans in to hug him again but his stomach makes this terrifying sound and her eyes blow wide, almost looking offended. 

“Benjamin Solo! You’re starving and you didn’t say anything!”

“It’s fine.”

“‘Fine?’” She scoffs. “You've been traveling for so long and you’ve starved yourself. It’s a miracle you didn’t pass out on the doorstep. I’ll fix you a sandwich. We have some delicious turkey and greens. Go wash up a bit and meet me in the kitchen.”

His stomach grumbles again and Ben can’t refuse. That sounded really good actually. 

They leave the study and Ben wanders through the halls. As long as it’s been, he remembers everything in the house, even if some of the pictures have changed.

He scrubs his hands and his face with a washcloth, wiping away the tracks of his tears and taking a deep breath.

As he looks at his reflection in the mirror, he feels like he looks seventeen years old. There’s a boyish naivety to him that perhaps only appeared after you cry like a child in front of your mother even though his tears were gone. He runs a hand through his hair, wishing it was longer and would cover his ears as it used to when he _was_ seventeen but Snoke was very particular about dress code. But he blinks his eyes a few times before he starts to look like his usual self.

But he does, undeniably, feel different. 

So much was getting backed up and overwhelming but confronting Snoke and getting time off, confronting his mother, _confronting this place itself,_ felt like it was the first breath of fresh air he’s had since.. _.fuck,_ he can’t even remember.

Nodding to himself, he steps back out of the bathroom, ready to face whatever comes next. But the first thing he sees makes him stop in his tracks as he looks up to the end of the hall where a young woman was standing on her toes, looking through a cabinet. 

She didn’t seem to notice him but he feels struck by something invisible to his head as he looks at her. She was beautiful and for whatever reason, _familiar._ Like he had seen her before in a dream, in a memory. 

And then his heart lurches in his chest when she finally turns to look at him and she looks at him in the same way. First confused, startled, but then clarity washes over her features as that bright smile graces her lovely face. 

“Rey?” he croaks out, thinking it couldn’t be possible.

She gives a soft laugh as she nods, setting aside the vase she was searching for in the cabinet. “Ben,” she beams, setting aside a vase as she walked towards him with open arms. 

_It is her. She smiles just like she used to._

“I had no idea you were here,” she said as she wrapped her arms around him in a crushing hug. 

He does the same, hardly able to speak he was so in shock. “Yea–no, I...I just arrived.”

She pulls back from him then, looking into his eyes. Her eyes were shining a bit and she looked so different, but in a way, she hadn’t changed. He didn’t know how to describe it. 

And apparently, the most developed statement he was capable of at that moment was, “You changed your hair.”

She chuckles, brushing some of her hair behind her ear. It was shorter now, just below her jawline, and she wore it down instead of the peculiar style of buns she used to favor. “I know. I just cut it recently with some shears, actually. It's terribly uneven I'm sure. I should have had Maz do it.”

“It looks lovely,” he says before shaking his head, trying to find better words. “ _You_ look lovely _,”_ he says feeling stupid half a moment later. 

She smiles, “Thank you. I suppose it’s been a while. I was pretty small last you saw me. Although compared to you I guess I was always going to be small. Look at you,” she reaches for his head, playfully ruffling his hair. “You only kept getting taller.”

He chuckles, feeling at a loss of what to say, he couldn’t believe she was standing here in his arms. 

_In his arms._ He had gotten so caught up in it all he hadn’t even realized how they still held onto each other. And yet she isn’t looking at him like some oddity the way he’s become accustomed to thinking of himself. She looks to him like a friend. With warmth in her expression in a way that makes him feel like he was meant to be there.

But then her smile wavers a bit. “You’re here because of your father?” she asks sadly.

His head falls a bit with a nod. “I read the letter my mother sent and I got here as fast as I could. I...I didn’t know he was sick,” he admits.

She shakes her head. “None of us did. It came as a bit of a shock. It all happened so fast.”

Ben nods, unsure of what else to do. But then he feels Rey pull him in again as her arms wrap around his neck. “I’m so sorry, Ben,” she breathes out and he moves to bring his arms around her too, finding comfort there. She smelled so nice. He doesn’t remember her smelling so good. 

“I know things weren’t the easiest between you,” she says quietly. She does know. As he got older, Rey bore witness to plenty of arguments and disagreements. “But I know he loved you. I’ve no idea what you’ve been up to but he would have been proud.”

Ben’s mouth has an odd taste as he thinks that would be extremely unlikely. The First Order was not exactly something anyone with a compassionate nature would agree with. 

Even Ben disagreed with it and he wasn’t very compassionate at all, he thinks.

Still, her words are soothing and he hugs her tighter as he replies. “Thank you, Rey. I...I missed you. It’s been so long.”

He thinks Rey might say something back but then footsteps around the corner reveal his mother with a turkey sandwich on a plate for him. A smile breaks out on her face as she sees them together. 

“Ah, look at you two,” she beams. “All grown up.”

Ben clears his throat, dropping his arms away from Rey to stand with his arms awkwardly by his side while Rey smiles to his mother before turning back to the vase she had retrieved from the cabinet and picking up some flowers he hadn’t even noticed. “Sorry, I was going to surprise you with these after I got them some water,” she says affixing the flowers in the vase. “I swear I wasn’t rifling through your china.”

Leia chuckles, passing the plate to Ben’s before switching it for the vase and flowers in Rey’s. “Oh, they’re beautiful, my dear. You have such an eye.” His mother admires the assortment for a moment before she looks back to Ben. “Rey’s our prodigy botanist,” she says proudly.

“I remember,” Ben smiles fondly, recalling her fascination with plants from when she was younger. 

“Well, wait until she shows you her journals. She could get a doctorate just for what’s in her notes from around the property.”

“Leia,” Rey rolls her eyes a bit.

“Oh, yes, I know I’m too much,” his mother teases. “What will you all do with me? Honestly, no one around here can take a compliment...except maybe Finn or Poe. Those boys like to hear what a good job they’re doing,” she laughs.

Ben wasn’t familiar with the names but given Rey’s endearing giggle he could assume they were some of the tenants. He wonders if Rey was one too and he wonders why his mother didn’t tell him sooner. If he would have guessed, he would have thought she was either finishing up at Mon Mothma’s school and living with Ahsoka. 

But before he could inquire as to such, Leia speaks up again. “That reminds me, Finn was looking for you earlier this morning. I think he said he was going to work on some landscaping and wanted to ask you what was flowers and what was weeds again.”

Rey gives a scoff. “I’ve told him a million times but he doesn’t listen. I better go out and see what the damage is,” she huffs but then she looks back to Ben. “I trust you’ll be around for a bit?”

“A few weeks or so,” he nods.

“Good. Well, I’ll see you around. We can catch up like we used to.”

Ben smiles, forgetting how foolish he must look, standing there in his stinky shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a sandwich in his hands. “I’d like that,” he tells her.

“Or I guess you can sit about and I can annoy you like I used to,” she chuckles and Ben shakes his head to deny it but his mother speaks up first. 

“Rey, darling, you ate something?”

“Yes,” she nods as she takes a step away. “I ate.”

“You’re getting too skinny. I’ll be watching you at dinner to ensure you’re eating enough.”

Rey gathers her sunhat while the dogs scamper up to her legs, happy to see her. Rey looks to Leia with a smirk. “Very well, then you’ll see just how much of your food I can eat, and then by tomorrow you’ll be rationing me,” she jokes, turning away with a final wave and the dogs follow after her, begging for her attention. 

“Those dogs love her. Chewie adored her too. I think animals, _dogs especially,_ can tell when people are kind-hearted.”

Ben nods, watching after where Rey had left, hardly believing it still. She wasn’t a child anymore she was a grown woman and…Ben didn’t even know. All he knew was that suddenly he felt sweaty and lightheaded and frozen all at once.

“Ben?” 

He looks back to his mother who is watching him with a smug look on her face, holding the vase of flowers. “But maybe you’re not so different either,” she laughs.

“W-What?”

It takes him a moment too long to decipher it before he knows what she’s suggesting. What the look on her face is implying. She had the same smirk when she was teasing him in the study about his love life or rather lack of one.

“‘Never gotten on well with people’ my foot, Benjamin.”

He nearly drops the sandwich in embarrassment as his cheeks burned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pacing? I don't know her. I just wanted to open the floodgates and see how quickly we can get to where we need to be.


	3. Sunrise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a pretty short chapter but YEET

Ben ran past the endless green of the property. There was a chill to the morning air as it was still early spring but regardless, he was still sweating. 

Back in New York, he would run for the purpose of exercise and blowing off steam. He forgets he used to do it for fun and how he would set markers for himself. He would race himself as he tried to get to different landmarks on the property by certain times. 

But he wasn’t really playing those games now. His thoughts were busy. 

He thought of his conversations with his mother yesterday. 

First, she welcomed him home. Then she apologized, telling him that no matter what she and Han always loved him and always believed in him. 

And then after they left the study, _after he saw Rey,_ Ben and Leia had moved to the kitchen.

There he had eaten his sandwich, trying to ignore the looks his mother was giving him as she situated the flowers in the center of the table. 

He asked if Rey was staying there or if she had just come for the funeral but his mother told him she had been living there for the past three years. 

Apparently, Ahsoka died before the Depression. Not long after, Mon Mothma’s school had closed. When the crash hit, the school went under and since Ahsoka was almost like a mother to Rey, and she had nowhere else to go or get a job in the economic climate, she had come back to the place where she knew she could always have a home. She came back to the summer house.

Apparently, Rey came back before his mother did. Leia mentioned how Lor had passed away so Rey took place as the gardener and groundskeeper, working with Maz to keep the house looking nice like they remembered it. She lived in the little staff house at the edge of the property that Lor used to occupy. 

When Leia returned home, she joined in. It was after they cleaned the house up a bit that they took in the tenants that were struggling out in the world but happy to help in their own way. Leia remarked more than a few times on how versatile she was. How she wasn't only well mannered and educated, but her years with Ahsoka taught her plenty of other skills that not many women of the day were known for. Apparently, when something needed fixing around the house, a squeaky door, or a busted chair, it was usually Rey that saw to it. 

Leia says it was because of Rey that she had any motivation to get better at all. She says she only came here after she and Han decided to spend some time apart. She wanted to come back to a place where she knew her family was happy and maybe could be again. 

But it was because Rey was here to help her do so that she managed to move forward and try to reach out to Ben. And Rey had become an amazing young woman who, despite the difficulties of her life, she managed to have hope at the darkest times. How even when she was small, she would be like that. How even though she didn't say it, Ben could tell that she loves Rey like one of her own and the pride of her accomplishments were nothing short of amazing.

And Rey was amazing. Always has been. It's just that when he returned, he not only was surprised to see her but to find that she was so...so grown up. So beautiful.

And his mother spared no time in teasing him about it. Clearly, he wasn’t as skilled at hiding his thoughts as he may have imagined. But his mother was just making fun of him, and he was just surprised to see her after so long. At least that’s what he told himself. That’s all it could be.

He had seen her briefly at dinner but before she could come to sit beside him, Leia and Maz were on either side of him and Rey went to sit beside another man. A man named Finn. He made her laugh at things Ben couldn’t hear. 

Ben should be glad to see her so happy. To see that she clearly had so many people that cared for her.

And he should just be happy that he gets to witness it but there’s a twist in his stomach that wants to share it with her. To wish he was the man she sat next to and leaned against when she laughed and he didn’t know why. He's come accustomed to his space and his loneliness. His craving to be surrounded by others has long been extinguished. But the lingering sound of her laugh from across the table seemed to change that instantaneously. 

He had flown across an ocean and ended over a decade long silence between him and his mother but somehow, Rey felt a lot further than just across a table. 

They used to be the best of friends, but whereas he had fallen into solitude Rey seemed to find others. Which is why he feels so ridiculous. Because she was Rey. Of course, she would have new friends. A life. _A future. A boyfriend._ All the things she always deserved. He was selfish to think, after sharing a brief conversation with her after so long, things could be different. 

It was selfish, f _oolish,_ to think maybe she would have held him longer or he could have insisted she sit beside him or that he could have felt his chest melt once more when she smiled at him.

Besides, it’s not like he could be anything for her. He didn't deserve to be with her. He huffs as he thinks of all of Hux’s taunting over the years. As annoying as he’s been, he was right. And as much as his mother may think it’s because he’s waiting for someone special, he knows it’s because there’s no one that would ever want him.

And for so long he figured he didn’t want anyone either.

So he’s all the angrier at himself for even thinking of Rey in such a way. He feels ashamed and confused and now the guilt that sits upon his shoulders is different from yesterday. He isn't as burdened by the anticipation and guilt of confronting his mother or this place, although he knows parts of that will always remain, today he carries the guilt of his thoughts of Rey.

So he just runs, trying to will his thoughts away, trying to be content to know Rey was happy. Because of her, she helped merge his family back together in this place.

 _All he felt was gratitude,_ he told himself. _Gratitude._

He slows down, leaning over to his knees, cursing himself. Why was he even thinking about this? He came here to reconnect with his mother and here he was sulking over Rey who clearly had made a life for herself with people who were doing their best. Even if his mother had welcomed him back with open arms, he knows he isn't welcome with the others here. He knows this isn't his place, as much as he may wish it could be. If any of them knew the kind of work the First Order was doing, they would chase him away.

And Ben knew himself. He knew as much as he may feel jealous, he wasn’t capable of being good and kind and fun. Snoke knew that too. He tried to tell him when he mentioned he would be leaving. Ben was kidding himself if he thought he could just suddenly lose his miserable demeanor and replace it with one that Rey truly deserved to be around. 

He comes to a stroll beside the pond, breathing heavily as he pulls his shirt over his head as he takes a tumble to just sit in the grass for a moment and breathe.

He looked out at the water for a moment before he fell back in the grass and just looked up at the clouds. It really was beautiful here. And he hadn’t come to dwell in his own personal misery further. But apparently wherever he went, no matter how much he may have tried to mend with his mother, _with his family,_ perhaps he was just one of those people that would never feel content and was looking for something else that he could never have to fill the void in his chest. 

He sighs to himself, pulling at his hair a bit, unaware of the figure now watching him.

“Morning.”

Ben just about jumps out of his skin as he looks over to the edge of the water where, half-hidden behind a bush, Rey emerges.

Rey. _Of course, it’s Rey._

Ben scrambles for his shirt to put it back on, to cover himself. “Good morning,” he says normally as he can. “Sorry, I didn’t see you there.”

She chuckles, giving him privacy until he’s covered again. He sees her shrug a bit. “I come here when I can’t sleep. I’ve always admired the water.”

But now it was dawn and she was still here. Perhaps she didn’t sleep. Which might explain why she was in a dressing gown and slippers. She comes to sit by him. Not too close but close enough that he worries she can smell how sweaty he is.

He doesn’t stare at her long, recalling enough of his manners to know he wasn’t supposed to be looking at a woman when she wasn’t properly dressed. His ears burn anyway. 

He clears his throat, trying to make conversation, casually trying to remedy his hair, knowing it must look ridiculous. “I remember. We taught you to swim at the pond up by the house.”

She was always a fast learner. He remembers how he and his dad helped her not to be so afraid. Leia laughed as she watched them and cheered her on when Rey finally figured it out. 

They were all so proud. 

Rey smiles. “Thank you, by the way.”

“For what?”

“You were always so patient with me. Even when I was probably tiresome.”

“No, you weren’t,” he shakes his head, running his hand through his hair, feeling sweaty. She rolls her eyes with a scoff like she doesn’t believe him. “Honestly, Rey. At the escalating height of my teenage angst I was the annoying one, you probably just didn’t notice.”

She giggles and the sound alone makes his chest twirl. 

“So, what have you been up to?” she asks him after a moment. 

He glances down at himself, thinking it was obvious. “Running.”

“No,” she chuckles. “I meant in America. You must have been busy although your mother never told me what you did.” Ben almost scoffs, but looks at his hands, wondering what to say. But then she speaks before he can. “Are you an artist?” 

He shakes his head. 

“An architect then?”

He shakes his head again, feeling almost embarrassed. _Of course,_ she remembers all the things he said he wanted to be. So she’ll know just how far he was off course of doing what he wanted to do. 

“I’m...” he gives a big sigh, “I’m an accountant.”

She gives a soft chuckle at first as if she thinks he’s joking but then her eyes go wide when she realizes it’s the truth. She covers her mouth with her hand. “Oh, Ben, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend–”

“You didn’t. It’s alright. Believe me, I would laugh too. It is kind of a joke, I guess.”

She scoots closer, looking at him. “You don’t like your work?”

He chuckles a bit, taking a deep breath before looking back out at the water. “Disliking your job is a luxury considering so many people are out of work. But those that have jobs do them because their families are hungry or because they have bills to pay,” he says somberly and he knows Rey understands when her head bows a bit. 

“But I guess I just do my job because I have nothing else to do. I eat well. I have nice clothes. I have an apartment big enough for a family of five but it’s just me.”

“Why?” she asks, her voice softer. He looks at her, confused by what exactly she was questioning. “Why did you get an apartment big enough for a family? Did you expect to have one by now?”

He chuckles, shaking his head. “No. I knew I was going to be alone. My boss kind of pressured me into getting a bigger one. The company I work for is mainly centered around buying property. _Real estate,_ ” he clarifies. 

“Oh,” she nods, looking out at the water too.

It falls silent for a moment and Ben isn’t sure what to say. “But I guess I’m luckier than most,” he says, realizing he must have sounded like he was complaining. “I wanted to ask about you though. To see how you’re doing. It feels like it’s been a lifetime.”

“I know,” she agrees. “In a way, it has been.”

She’s right. Even if ten years felt like a long time, it felt even longer than that. “My mother says you’ve been staying here in the cottage, after the school closed,” he says, looking to her. She nods, her eyes cast down. “I’m sorry to hear that, by the way. And I’m sorry to hear about Ahsoka. My mom told me about her passing.” Rey looks to him, her expression a little somber at the mention of her former guardian. “I know she meant a lot to you.”

“She did. She was so kind. And Madam Mothma was too,” she says, her fingers fiddling with blades of grass. “I never would have had an education like that if your parents hadn’t reached out the way they did. I owe them, _and you,_ so much for all the kindness you showed me.”

“Rey, you don’t owe us anything. _Especially me._ If anything, I owe you. My mother says it was you that helped her feel better again...when all of us went separate ways,” he says. “Thank you, for being here and trying and just...doing what I never could. I really appreciate it.”

Rey almost looks like she could cry. “You’re here now,” she says with a sad kind of smile. “I think you should be proud of yourself. _Really._ It’s brave to come home, especially after how I know you felt strange about it. Leia told me pieces of what happened. Most of all how she blamed herself. To see you here now means everything to her. And I know you're father would feel the same.”

He nods, swallowing the lump in his throat but knowing his eyes were shining anyway, at not only her kind words but at the mention of Han.

He's not sure if his father would be proud, despite what his mother mentioned about him. About how his last words were of love for him. He hadn't admitted for years of his love for his parents, for his family. For this place. He had clung to the more bitter and angry memories, letting them infect the goodness he used to feel.

He didn't realize the impact that Snoke and the First Order had on him and his outlook on so much. He hadn't really grasped it until all this, and even now when he mentioned the influences that he allowed Snoke have on his life to the point of where he lives was not really his choice. 

And he decides, as he had decided to come here without the input from his work, that he would like to start making his own choices. To feel like he had control of his life and maybe didn't hate the outcome. 

He turns his attention back to Rey sitting beside him. The corners of his mouth quirk up as he finds her eyes on him already. 

Ben knows if he could choose to be anywhere, he would choose here and now. The certainty in that is staggering. _Jarring._ Almost frightening. But he knows it's right, and it's all he needs to breathe in relief and just take it all in. 

He almost speaks again, about to compromise these thoughts to her. After staying quiet for so long, he feels like to speak, _to share his feelings_ , is only right. But he stops himself as a golden glow washes over them and they both look beyond the pond and over the hills to see the sunrise. 

Ben knew the sun rose every morning but watching it stirred something in him. He can’t recall if he’s ever watched one before because the beauty of it is striking and he’s sure he would have remembered. 

He glances over to Rey who must have seen this a hundred times by now, but she looks on anyway, admiring it. The warm glow illuminates her and Ben thinks he’s stopped breathing. 

_Her name had never been more fitting._

And yet there was something almost somber about her expression but she might just be squinting from the sun, or perhaps that is what he hopes.

She catches him staring at her, she chuckles softly looking back at him. He smiles back at her, unable to do much else as the sunlight warms her features.

But then she moves to stand and he quickly does the same. She is dusting the stray grass from her hands and her robe as she says, “You know, I always thought that of all the empty houses in England I could have hidden in, I’m glad I found my way here. We never would have met.” 

He almost doesn’t know what to say. He couldn’t be grateful that Rey’s life was so horrible that she had to run away and live by herself in the hidden nooks and crannies of the Chandrila house. But she’s right. Were it not for that, they never would have met. So he tries to offer her a smile and offer her what he can.

Because he is so happy she is a part of his life. Even if the part they shared was mostly in the past. 

“And I never would have had a near heart attack when I found you in my closet,” he jokes. Rey bursts out laughing and Ben can’t help but laugh too. Just seeing her smile could make him smile and her laughter had a similar effect. “But I’m really glad I know you if that’s what you’re saying.”

Rey smiles at him, leaning forward before she wraps her arms around him. He tells her he’s too sweaty but he loses the words after a brief moment and wraps his arms around her. She takes a deep breath once he does before she speaks against his shoulder.

“I really glad you came back, Ben.”

Ben chuckles. “Me too,” he tells her as he pulls away. 

She stretches a bit once she’s standing away from him, looking back at the water. “Alright. Well, I’m going to go get dressed. I have some things I have to do early or they don’t get done.”

“Do you need help with anything?” he offers instantly.

She pauses at his offer and he scrambles to clarify his meaning, that he was not referring to her getting dressed. “With the work around the property or anything, not–”

“It’s okay,” she chuckles. “I know what you meant. But are you sure you’d be interested? It’s not exactly accounting,” she teases.

“I can handle it,” he chuckles, already knowing he was in over his head. 

“Alright,” she smiles at him. “I can pick you up in the truck. I’ll meet you up at the house then?”

He nods eagerly, “Yeah. I just need to clean up a bit but I’ll be ready.”

She laughs again. “Well good. I run a tight ship so I’m going to be horrendous and you’ll get marks on uniform and hygiene. You’ll wish you never offered to help,” she mocks but it doesn’t deter the smirk on his face.

She walks away then and he stands there like an idiot, smiling to himself, knowing he made the right choice.

He just hopes he doesn’t make a fool of himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably stupid. I don't know


	4. Good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The clothing in Atonement was probably the main inspiration for this story, not gonna lie. That being said it's still not an Atonement AU, haha. But this is kind of how I envision Rey looking day-to-day. THe hair too. Too perfect.  
> 

Ben had rushed back to the house, into his room to get cleaned up and ready. 

His apartment in New York had a shower. A luxury the Chandrila house was a little too old for, he realizes as he settles for the bath. Although he preferred showers, he was just glad to get clean. 

He brushes his hair through with a comb and muttering at his reflection, trying to imagine what Rey’s chores entailed. He gave himself a pep talk, reminding himself that, no matter what, he wouldn’t complain. 

He looked down at his hands, wondering how long ago the callouses had smoothed away. He didn’t realize his hands had gone so soft. If his father were alive and greeted him at the door, he would tell him immediately how he’s gone too deep into the office life if he’s gone years without any rugged work. 

Ben just hoped he wouldn't embarrass himself in front of Rey. 

He moves back into his room, the one he used to occupy when he was a kid, to get dressed. He opens the closet, recalling again the day he had opened it to find Rey hiding inside it. 

She was so tiny. He’ll never forget the look on her face when he opened the doors to find her there. Thin and dirty and so terrified.

He pushes past those images to just grab some clothes and get dressed. It hurt to remind himself of how horrible her life had been.

He quickly gathers himself, nervously looking in the mirror one final time, trying and failing to hide his ears with his hair but knowing his hair was too short. Maybe he could grow it out for once. Short hair was part of the First Order dress code but if he could start making his own choices, he thinks that was a good move. 

He steps out of his room, pulling a sweater over his head. It was unusually warm for early spring so he didn’t plan on needing a coat. 

Once he has it settled on him, he looks up to see another man in the hallway who was also coming out of his room. 

_Finn._

They met the night before but exchanged nothing but a handshake and their names. But now Ben smiles at him, suddenly recalling that he was most likely Rey's boyfriend and it was important to be nice. “Morning.”

“Good morning,” Finn greets back, smiling as well.

Ben wonders if it would upset Finn that he was going to be helping Rey out today. They were rather close from what he observed last night and Ben had even wondered if he stayed with her at her cottage, but then he sees Poe Dameron walk out behind him and Ben realizes that they must be two of the tenants here that were sharing a room.

Ben gives them both a kind nod as he steps down the stairs, knowing they were probably watching him from the landing. People either tended to ignore him or stare at him. He’s come to prefer being invisible so attention was loathsome. Despite everyone’s kind nature, he suspects the tenants have already made assumptions about him. 

Sighing to himself, he steps outside the house, just in time to see the truck coming up the road. Ben smiled to himself, catching a glimpse of the young woman driving, letting the vision distract him from his worries. 

By the time she parks by the front steps, he’s grinning like an idiot as she hops out to greet him.

* * *

Ben sat on the passenger side of the truck, trying to stay hunched and steady in the vehicle that was a little too compact for him and his height.

Rey had noticed all too well when he got in, to the point where she asked him if he would rather stay behind but he was devoted to making it work so for now, whenever they hit a bump, his head hit the ceiling. 

“Sorry,” she says when they went through a dip in the dirt road. 

“Rey, it’s fine. You don’t have to apologize every time. It’s just the way the road is.”

“Well, I’m sure they don’t have many dirt roads in New York anymore.”

“Not many, no. But with paved streets and more people in cars, the traffic can get crazy. I prefer an empty dirt road to a paved crowded one.”

Rey giggles. “Well, I’m glad I could supply you with one, then.”

Ben smiles, looking over at her as she drives. The truck was actually very nice and he doesn’t remember it being around when he was last here. It probably hadn't even been made ten years ago even though it was already looking rough around the edges. 

“Is this your truck?” he asks.

“Not really. It’s kind of everyone's. It makes it easy to do chores around the property and to go into town...but I guess I hog it more than anyone,” she chuckles. “I got it for cheap from a guy in town but it was a wreck. Maz and I worked on it so it’s been running fine now. But then again, Maz and I never realized how cramped the cab was,” she says, placing her hand on the ceiling to exaggerate that she fit just fine compared to Ben.

Ben chuckles. “You fixed it up then?”

“Don’t do that,” she scolds him with a laugh.

“Do what?”

“Don’t act so surprised.”

“I’m not,” he assures her. “I’m just amazed that Han’s mechanic lessons stuck more to you than they did to me.”

“Oh please, I’m sure you remember plenty.”

“I don’t know. Maybe an office softened me up.”

“If that’s the case, is a softened Ben Solo so bad?”

Ben scoffs. “Well, maybe it's just the office part of it that’s been driving me crazy,” he says but he knows it goes beyond just that. There was plenty about his life in New York that had become such a burden.

“Then it’s good you got here when you did. The air will do you good and it’s warmer than it usually is this year. _Early spring,_ ” she speculates.

Ben smiles as he looks out at the hills that had some sproutings of wildflowers. He can’t help but agree with her. 

They arrived in the town that Ben hasn’t been to since he was a teenager. 

_It hasn’t changed at all,_ he thinks.

Rey drives up to the bakery. “Does Baze still run it?” he asks her.

Rey beams. “Oh yeah. In fact, everyone is still here, for the most part. Although, given the current circumstances, everyone is helping out to keep their heads above water. Their businesses are struggling.”

Guilt settles like a rock in his stomach, thinking to the stupid amount of money just sitting in his bank account while everyone here was struggling to make ends meet. Rey doesn’t seem to notice his inner turmoil though as she guides him inside by the arm. Almost like the way a gentleman and a lady would do if they were out in public. Which he supposes they are but not _like that._

Rey looks down at a list Maz had made out for her before they left. As she’s looking it over, a voice calls out from behind the counter.

“Rey!”

“Good morning, Baze,” she says warmly.

“Good to see you, my dear. You here for the usual?”

“Yeah,” Rey chuckles, tucking the list away.

“Well, let me wrangle it up for you. It won’t take long.”

“Oh, lovely. Thank you,” Rey says warmly, leaning over the counter and looking at the bread. Ben just watches the scene unfold, admiring how natural she seemed.

It makes him think back to the last time he went to the bakery down the street from his apartment and got in an argument with another man in the line so he forfeited the endeavor altogether. 

Rey wasn’t like that. She was so... _friendly._

“Is Chirrut here today?” she asks. 

“He’ll be here later but not for a while. He’s helping Cassian with something. I think you’ll miss him today.”

“Oh, that’s too bad. I wanted to see if he recognized my guest quicker than you have,” she teases and Baze freezes, looking to her before focusing back on Ben.

He stands awkwardly behind Rey. Not that he could hide, he was too tall. Rey turns slightly, pulling him closer to the counter beside her. 

“Baze, you remember my oldest friend.”

Baze has a curious smirk on his face as he studies Ben before his eyes go wide and his head cranes back in recognition. “Oh my stars. Benny Solo, is that you?”

Ben smiles, holding out his hand to shake, finally recalling his manners. “Good to see you, Baze.”

Baze takes his hand but pulls him in closer until Ben is hunched over the counter so they’re hugging. Ben is a little caught off guard but accepts it heartily. 

_This place is so different than New York,_ Ben thinks to himself, hugging the man.

When he finally releases Ben, he’s got flour all over him. But Baze was so happy to see him that Ben doesn’t let it bother him. 

“Benny, it’s been so long. How long have you been back?”

“I just got in yesterday.”

“Damn, look at you. You’re bigger than the doorway,” he praises but Ben just shrugs. “A very strapping young man if I ever saw one.”

Ben chuckles, feeling almost embarrassed at the compliment. 

“I missed you, kid. I think we all did,” he says sincerely. 

“I missed you all too. It’s been a long time.”

Baze smiles, releasing him. Ben feels how Rey’s hand returns to his arm, a comforting gesture. He looks down at her with a smile. 

Behind the counter, Baze chuckles as he gathers the baked goods. “Damn...it’s been a long time since you two came in here together. You’re all grown up now, what a sight.”

Ben smiled, thinking back when they used to come here. He would give Rey piggyback rides around town while his mother and Maz did the shopping. He looks down at Rey, his chest doing that funny tumbling thing again where he suddenly needs to catch his breath for no reason. 

Baze finishes prepping the order while they chat and catch up. Baze asks about New York and work and Ben gives vague but generic answers, not wanting to talk too much about it and suspecting that he would have to give similar responses to everyone they interacted with. 

He was discouraged by that only because of how embarrassed he was with the truth of his career that he knew everyone around here would find dishonest. 

But he keeps his head up, especially when Baze hands over a paper bag filled to the brim with bread.

Ben takes it easily so Rey wouldn’t have to carry it, preparing to say goodbye. 

“Oh, before you go,” Baze says, putting some cookies in a smaller bag. “These are on the house. I know how much you two loved these.”

Ben’s mind flashes back to a memory he didn’t realize he had forgotten. Of spending an entire afternoon with Rey, eating half a dozen cookies by the pond, and spoiling their dinner. His mother had been so mad, partially because they didn’t leave any for her.

Luckily, Rey answered because Ben felt stuck in a haze. “Thank you, Baze. These are delicious.”

“Oh and tell Finn that I’m getting an order in few days so I’ll have the ingredients I need to make more of that bread you all like. The Yavin rolls.”

“Oh, he’ll be so excited, it’s his favorite.”

Baze’s comment seems to only prove Ben's suspicions further. Ben’s heart sinks a little as he recalls Finn back home. But once again, guilt strikes him as well. He hates that he would be discouraged when he really should be delighted that Rey had someone that made her happy and seemed to be, on all accounts, a very nice and friendly man. 

Especially when Ben didn’t consider himself a particularly nice or friendly man. Maybe just a _man,_ and that was it.

So, as they wrap up their few errands and head back to the truck, he decides to make peace with it, and remind himself that as long as Rey was happy, then he was happy. Or the closest thing to happiness he was capable of being. 

As they head back to the house, he pulls out the cookies from the bag Baze gave them, breaking off a piece to take a bite. They were always huge. Bigger than a tea saucer, Ben thinks 

They taste better than he remembers. He doesn’t think he’s had a cookie in his entire adult life and he realizes what a crime that is. 

“Oh, can I have a bite?” she asks, seeing the cookie.

He offers her his piece and she takes it, taking a bite where he had already taken a bite. “Mmm, Baze makes the best cookies.”

He shifts uncomfortably when she moans so he clears his throat, looking out the window again, trying to remind himself how fucking delusional he was behaving. 

So he tries to reel himself back in. "They're amazing. I forgot how much I loved these," he says, grabbing the other half of the cookie and taking another bite. 

She chuckles slightly and he turns to look at her. "Do you remember that one time we tried to sneak a bunch of these up to your room but Chewie followed us and stole them?"

"Oh, and then we chased him through all the halls trying to get them back, but he had already eaten them?" he laughs, envisioning it like it had just happened.

She nods, hardly able to speak and she looks like she's trying not to choke on her cookie she's laughing so hard. He was genuinely amused by her reaction, only slightly taken back by how foreign the sound of his own laughter was. 

"Aww, I loved Chewie. He was massive. Like a bear."

"I know," Ben recalls, smiling as he thought of the old dog. "That first summer you were here, I used to pick you up and put you on his back. You were so light, he hardly noticed. And you loved it."

"I remember that. I've never ridden a horse but I doubt it would be half as fun as that."

Ben chuckles, breaking off the last chunk of the cookie and offering her the bigger side. "Thanks. I think this counts for breakfast, don't you think?"

"Definitely," he says, biting into his side. "Anyways, what else are you doing today?"

She gives a small huff but he sees her smile as she finishes off her cookie. "Oh you know, daily chores. Odds and ends. I like it though. And Finn and Poe usually make a point to help out. I know you didn't get to talk to them a lot last night. Your mom was so happy to catch up with you. I hope you know how much this means to her."

He shrugs. "Well, it means a lot to me too. I thought..." he shakes his head, not sure what to say. "I guess, I thought a lot of things but none of them were true. She still loves me," he says, still in slight disbelief.

"You're her son, Ben. Of course she loves you," Rey tells him, sounding so matter of fact. Like Leia loving him was easy and not a burden.

For whatever reason, he says that aloud. "You make it sound so simple. Like I wasn't gone for ten years."

"Ben, I already told you. You're here now. That means everything to us." He looks to her curiously but she quickly corrects herself. "To your _mother,_ it's everything."

He feels a little sheepish, but his eyes look to her hands on the steering wheel. The urge to take her hand is overwhelming. And maybe, if he didn't have a bag of bread in his lap and she wasn't driving, he would have taken it. But he doesn't. Instead, he just turns to look out the window, reminding himself that he would be crossing a line and he needed to reign himself in.

And for whatever reason, it makes him ask, “How long have you and Finn been together?”

The cab of the truck immediately goes quiet and he can feel her looking at him. He chances a look at her and she looks almost baffled. “What do you mean?” 

He tries to find the words. “Aren’t...aren’t you and Finn together?”

“No," she says, almost chuckling at the concept. "No, we’re just friends."

Ben feels very foolish suddenly. “I...I thought that–”

Rey smiles at him. “Finn’s with someone,” she says. 

“Oh,” Ben says, feeling stupid for not noticing. “Who?”

She looks to him a little uncertain. Like she's not sure she should say. “Ben, it’s...well it’s kind of a secret we all keep. They have to be careful,” she whispers even though it’s just the two of them. 

He looks to her confused but she just slightly raises her eyebrows, trying to imply something.

At first, he's terrified she trying to tell him Finn is dating his mom or something. But then he thinks back to when he saw him this morning coming out of his and Poe’s room.

_They have to be careful._

It all kind of falls into place. Especially once he recalls what his mother said when she asked what kind of partner he would potentially be looking for. His mother wasn’t one to judge people on their way of life, so it would make sense why Finn and Poe would feel welcome here. Because it wasn’t Finn and Rey that were together but it was Finn and Poe.

 _“Oh,_ ” he says finally. 

“Yeah,” she nods, chuckling at him. “ _Oh._ ”

“I didn’t realize,” he says dumbly.

“Well," she shrugs before making the turn. "I suppose that's a good thing. It’s very private, you understand. We don’t talk about it much outside the house because of the laws here so I just hope you–”

“No, of course,” he says quickly, hoping she would hear the sincerity in his voice. “I won’t say anything.”

“Thank you. I’m glad you’re so understanding. There’s a lot of people in this country, _or in this world,_ who don’t think that way. I love them both dearly and I just want them to know Chandrila is safe. No matter what.”

"It's hard enough finding someone to love. To feel confident enough to be open and vulnerable." Ben had yet to figure it out. "I don't understand why some people are punished for their feelings or for how they love each other. I don't understand why the world seems devoted to making certain people miserable while others should be upheld and sought after. Not everybody wants the same things. Not everybody's minds and hearts work the same."

It isn't anywhere near what Finn and Poe must experience but Ben does think of how Hux mocks him. Teasing him about his lack of female company or spreading rumors that he was impotent. He's never felt comfortable going out in pursuit of women like his co-workers do constantly. He wasn't looking for a fling or a backroom escapade. He just wanted something real. Something Hux and everyone else at the First Order wouldn't understand but always took joy in exploiting the ones like Ben that were a little different. It's led to much ridicule and embarrassment, he thinks, recalling the incident at the strip club that Hux had mentioned right before he left work.

But still, it was nothing like what Finn, Poe, and who knows how many other people in this world must go through. It makes his stomach hurt, recalling the laws of England and what could happen to Finn and Poe just because of how they feel for one another. Ben had hardly said ten words to them each but no matter what, no one should feel that kind of fear.

He sighs. "Just because some people are different doesn't mean anyone has any right to hurt or oppress them."

The cab goes quiet again but then he feels her hand reach out and settle on his arm again. Her voice is very quiet and tender when she speaks. "That's how I feel about it."

He nods. capable of nothing else although he does brush his fingers past hers, trying to keep a level head and not read too much into her touch. 

They approach the gates of the property and she moves her hand back to the wheel. "You know, I think I'm right. A softened Ben Solo isn't so bad. Listen to how compassionate he is," she teases.

He snorts, turning quickly to the window so she couldn't see him blushing or smiling as stupidly as he was. "Shut up."

* * *

The next day, he’s out helping Rey with tending to plants around the property with Finn and Poe.

She's right. It is a warm spring for Chandrila (even though he had never spent a spring here). He had brought a sweater with him when he left this morning but now it was hung over the fence and his shirtsleeves were rolled up to his elbows.

Or maybe it was because it was the most physical kind of work he's done in a while.

Finn and Poe seem pretty accustomed to it and he can tell they must help Rey out daily, even though they seem to enjoy getting her to repeat things. 

He realizes quickly how he might have mistaken the nature of Rey’s relationship with them because it only takes a few minutes to see how caring they all were. They were friends. Maybe if Ben had more friends he would have noticed that earlier. 

Rey had amazing friends. And although he used to be one of her only and best friends, that was in the past.

He can tell Finn and Poe are a little skeptical of him and he doesn’t blame them. All they know of him is that he’s the estranged son of Leia and they probably think the only reason he’s here is because he feels guilty he missed his dad’s funeral. Maybe he wouldn’t have noticed their quiet disapproval at all but he’s well acquainted with the side glances and pursed lips and what they really imply. He’s seen plenty of looks like that all the time in the First Order. 

But they seem to be putting up with him for Rey’s sake because, for whatever reason, she really wanted to include him. But he was grateful. Because on all accounts, Rey should be annoyed with him too but she...wasn’t. 

“So, you live in New York City, Ben?” Poe asks him, while Rey is explaining something to Finn further away and out of earshot. 

“Yeah,” he nods, smiling as well as he can. He’s trying to be more personable when he speaks to people. 

“Are things as rough as they say they are there?”

His smile instantly falls. “Yeah, it’s...it’s hit everywhere pretty hard.” 

_Except for the First Order,_ he keeps to himself. 

Poe nods. “Yeah, I figured. I lived there for a short while before I got enough money for a boat ticket here. Leia always told my mother she could promise me a job so after my parents passed, I went looking for her.”

“Oh,” Ben breathed out, realizing that he didn’t have to do that. He not only walked away from his mother but when he wanted to come back, he boarded a plane and in a matter of hours, he was here. “I’m sorry,” Ben offers, not sure what to say.

Poe shakes his head. “Don’t be. Getting on that boat changed my life for the better. Not only did it bring me here to Leia but I also met Finn on the ride over. So, even though it was hard, I’d do it all over again. Because even though the world is kind of screwed right now, I’m where I know I belong,” he says, looking over to Finn and Rey.

Ben does the same.

“Yeah...I think I know what you mean,” he says, his gaze lingering on Rey. Just how she moves, _how she tucks her hair behind her ear,_ kills him.

Poe chuckles, giving him a firm pat on the back. “I had a feeling you did. You’ve got that look to you. And as smiley as that girl can be...I’ve never seen her quite like this.”

“Like what?”

Poe shrugs. “This... _happy,_ I guess. She’s always putting on a smile for everyone but Finn and I can tell. She looks different when she thinks no one is watching. Like she's always thinking.”

Ben’s heart sinks a bit, wondering if she’s been upset or lonely. He had suspected something like that in brief moments, like when they watched the sunrise. That Rey may not be as bright as she always appears. “I want her to be happy. And for the most part, she’s...she’s exactly like I remember. Only now she’s older and–” Ben stops himself before he can say _‘beautiful’_ but Poe must have known because he chuckles again. 

“Yeah, I could tell, Solo. I mean, I don’t know you too well but you’ve just got that look to you.”

“What look?”

“The look of a guy who is falling hard.”

Ben’s brow furrows, confused by his words before his meaning crashes into him. “I...I’m not–”

Poe holds up his hands. “I’m just telling you what I see, pal. And I see her looking the same way.”

“Really?” Ben asks way too quickly and in disbelief, exposing his true feelings. 

Poe laughs much louder this time, catching Finn and Rey’s attention. They start to head back over. Poe speaks quietly as he answers Ben’s question. “I’m just saying, you both got the look.”

“How’s it going over here?”

Ben jolts, standing a bit straighter as he sees Rey has returned. She's looking to the plantlife they were tending to.

When Poe raises his eyebrows, nodding to Rey, Ben realizes it’s still quiet and he clears his throat. “G-Good.”

“Well, it looks great...for an accountant,” she teases. Everyone laughs. "I'm kidding. You're doing amazing," she assures him, her hand once again lingering on his arm for a moment. Ben thinks of it long after her hand falls away though. Like he can still feel the warmth from her palm on his skin.

Was it even possible that Rey could be feeling the same? Up until now, he thought it was all in his head. That Rey was like this with everyone. Warm and friendly _. But then Poe said…_

Wait...Poe could be messing with him. That’s what Hux would do. Tease him and ridicule him into humiliating himself with the one person that he cared about. Because he knows his feelings are probably obvious.

But then he looks back to Poe and Finn who were both admiring the work they had completed and he wonders if their earlier quiet judgments of him weren’t so much judgments as they were just paranoid thoughts Ben gave into because he had come to expect that from people. Maybe, to assume Finn and Poe were no different from Hux was unfair. 

Because this wasn’t the First Order. This wasn’t New York. This wasn’t Hux or the other enforcers that were always trying to get a rise out of him. 

This was Chandrila. This was Finn and Poe who seemed very pleasant and were clearly good company. 

And this was Rey, he thinks as he looks back to her to find her already smiling back. 

This was... _good._ He felt _good._

It's only been a few days but Ben is certain he hasn't felt this good in years.

Too bad it had an expiration date. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not crazy about this chapter but I'm just trying to get things rolling a bit. Hopefully, we can try to make more progress from here.
> 
> I've been doing this annoying thing where I hop around from the stories I'm working on to the point where some get neglected while I also start even more fics because apparently I only start things, I don't finish them. 
> 
> Anyways, hopefully, I can get rolling on this one more because I actually think it could be very sweet. I don't plan on this being near as long as my other stories (knock on wood).
> 
> Thank you for reading<3!!


	5. Daisies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up: We start to get some of Rey's POV in this chapter
> 
> I'm really in love with AURORA and her song 'Exist for Love' is big Reylo energy and honestly makes me cry. That's pretty much Ben and Rey's mood this whole story (actually their whole mood in general) so...yeah, I probably should have just called this story "Exist for Love" but whatever, I'll just be annoying and litter the notes with the lyrics because I'm a predictable bitch.
> 
> So yeah, guess what's in the endnotes, haha.

He’s been home for almost a week now. Maybe it should feel strange that he thinks of this as home so quickly but it doesn't really bother him. Because that’s what it feels like. 

He meets everyone that’s staying at the house. 

There’s a woman who wears her hair in small buns by the name of Kaydel. There’s the Tico sisters, Rose and Paige. A married couple, Temmin Wexley and Karé Kune although everyone calls Temmin ‘Snap’ for reasons Ben doesn’t understand but doesn’t linger on. 

And of course, there was Finn and Poe who Ben has spent an increasing amount of time with because they almost always help Rey with her chores. And Ben spends every day with Rey. Helping her out, running errands, joking and catching up. 

It was...well, it was the closest thing to perfect Ben had ever known. So much so that he thinks he may have missed his calling as a groundskeeper. But maybe that was just because he got to do it with Rey. And he found himself living for the brief moments where she would rest her hand over his, or how she would laugh at something stupid he said, or how sometimes they would just meet eyes and smile to each other. 

He didn’t care how many weeds he had to pull, how much bread he had to carry, or how many cookies he had to eat just to make those moments happen. 

This morning, when he gets back from his run, he finds her doing laundry with Maz. 

“Good morning,” she says warmly and he smiles, admiring how she has her hair pinned back.

“Morning,” he says shyly, moving to get a glass of water. 

“Oh, there you are Junior,” Maz waves. “Go get your nonsense and bring it on down. You can work the ringer. I’m getting too old and too short for this.”

“Oh, okay,” he nods, taking another big gulp from the glass. 

“Or you look plenty sweaty now. Why don’t you strip down and pass us those things now?”

“Maz!” Rey snaps at her but the older woman just laughs while Ben’s face heats up. 

“I’ll just go clean up and bring the dirty stuff down when I’m done.”

“That’s fine,” Rey assures him. “Ignore her,” she says, nodding to Maz.

He chuckles softly before, finishing his water and stepping back out, but his eyes linger on her longer than they should as he makes his way up the stairs.

* * *

Rey smiles even after he leaves, chewing on her lip to hide it as she scrubs away at whoever's clothes she was currently cleaning.

When Maz returns from hanging several things out on the line, Rey really tries to button the grin but it’s impossible. You can’t hide anything from Maz.

“That bad, huh?”

Rey shakes her head, playing dumb. “What?”

Maz snorts. “‘What?’" she mocks in her own version of Rey's voice that makes Rey roll her eyes. I don't sound like that, Rey tells herself, but Maz always gets a kick out of it. "My dear, you act like I was born yesterday. I’m talking about you and Junior.”

“Shh.”

“Oh please, it’s just _us._ Besides, everyone can tell. You’re both making eyes at each other. It’s hardly subtle.”

“We’re–” Rey stops scrubbing for a moment, looking down to the smaller woman with a baffled look on her face. The best one she could manage. “We’re not doing anything. He’s just helping me out while he’s home and we’ve been catching up,” Rey shakes her head, trying to sound very convinced of her words. “I was ten years old last time I saw him. I missed him very much, he’s…” she shakes her head trying to find the words. “Ben is my oldest friend. He means a lot to me. That doesn’t mean I’m making eyes or that _he is_ for that matter.”

Rey had actually thought she might have been imagining it, the way he looks at her, but to give Maz’s words any credence was too much for her so she just continued with the laundry.

Maz snickers. “Well, go ahead and believe what you want. But I’m inclined to think that if a man like that leaves work for two weeks to take a load off, he wouldn’t be spending it doing all these chores with you unless he was trying to get your attention.”

“Maz–”

“And you wouldn’t be smiling to yourself so much if it wasn’t working.”

Rey looks to her, knowing she was right. She tried to tell herself she was just glad to see him. But that wasn’t it at all. To entertain any thought of something else was...delusional. But with every day he makes that more and more difficult. 

Because he was really a beautiful person. 

She sighs. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” she admits, knowing Maz wouldn’t judge her for it.

Maz chuckles, giving her a soft pat on the back. “That means you’re doing it right. Besides, knowing Junior, he doesn’t know what he’s doing either. You’re perfect for each other,” she laughs but Rey just groans a little, looking away from the washing to lean closer to Maz so she doesn’t have to talk as loud.

“But he’s Leia’s son. He came here to reconnect with her and I don’t think it’s right for me to-“

“Oh please. Leia and I are both rooting for you. I don’t think you realize how happy this makes her. She has her son back and he’s happy. He’s happy to be here and to be with you and Leia loves that. Don’t let that hold you back. You know she only wants to see you happy too.”

“Really?”

“Rey, why is that so hard to believe people want the best for you? You should understand that by now.”

That’s what Ahsoka used to say too. 

“Okay,” she smiles. 

“However, at this rate, it could take years with how both of you flirt so I suggest when the moment is right, you make a move. Junior thinks too much and he’ll take forever.”

Rey giggles just as Kaydel walks in with her laundry. 

“What’s so funny?”

“Oh, nothing. Rey’s just talking to the laundry again,” Maz says, nudging her playfully as they all got back to work. 

When Ben re-emerges with his own bundle of clothes, he smiles at her and she smiles back. 

He really was beautiful. 

Kaydel comes to stand beside her to help her with the scrubbing. Kaydel and Rose were long time friends of hers. They attended Mothma’s Academy with her. Paige did too but she was two years ahead of them. When Mon passed, they were all kind of left to their own devices and since Ahsoka had died before that, Rey went to the one place that she had sought sanctuary for the first time she was lost. 

_Chandrila._

Once she and Maz got it back on its feet, she reached out to them, to let them know they could stay here if they needed to. By that time, Leia had moved back in but she was more than open to the idea as she extended that invitation to anyone that had fallen on hard times in the Depression. So Finn and Poe came shortly after that along with the others. 

This place always felt like home, but Rey had to admit that something always felt like it was missing. 

_Until Ben came back,_ she thinks to herself.

She looks at him where he was observing the laundry process rather awkwardly. Like he wasn’t sure what to do. He probably didn’t do his own laundry but instead of leaving for them to do it, he watched them, wanting to figure out how he could try too.

She’s recognized him doing that with several things in the past few days as he’s been so helpful. 

As much as he was the Ben she remembered, there was plenty she had learned about him or realized for the first time as he’s been so gentle and curious and beautiful. 

_Fucking hell, woman. How many times can you call him beautiful in one morning?_ She rolls her eyes at herself. 

“Good morning everyone,” Leia announces as she walks into the kitchen. 

Rey smiles, looking over her shoulder to greet her as everyone else does too. Rey couldn’t help but smile. It was refreshing to see Leia so happy. She’s been so withdrawn since Han’s passing but her son’s return had given her a new purpose. 

“Ben, how did you sleep?” Leia inquires, reaching for a teacup.

“Good.”

Leia doesn’t seem convinced. “Ben, that bed was too small for you when you were sixteen, I doubt you can fit in it now.”

Everyone giggles a bit but Rey can see how Ben’s cheeks change in hue ever so slightly. “Mom, really. It’s fine.”

“Well, maybe today, you and the other boys can switch it out for one of the bigger ones in the empty guest rooms. I want you to get some decent rest while you’re here.”

“Mom, really, it’s not a big deal. The bed doesn’t bother me.”

Leia rolls her eyes, stirring her tea before approaching him with a smirk. “Very well,” she says, giving his cheek a pinch before leaving him be and moving to the table. Rey catches Ben’s eyes as they both look away from his mother and he purses his lips like he’s trying to hide the toothy grin of his that she loves. 

* * *

Ben was outside, hanging up the laundry to dry. 

He had already made enough of a fool of himself trying to do his own washing. He never did his own laundry as he usually just bundled it up and dropped it off at Lady Proxima’s. When he returned by the end of the day, it was folded up, fresh and clean and Ben hardly thought twice about the labor that went into it. 

But the laundry was a long, exhaustive, and seemingly never-ending process. 

And he seemed to be the only one who was just discovering that. So he watches everyone else so he can mimic them.

However, he tried very hard not to pay too much attention to Rey who was doing the same with her own clothes not too far away. Particularly the silky looking slip that he imagines she must wear to bed. 

“How’s it coming along, Solo?” Poe surprises him with a friendly pat on the back. 

“Shit, you scared me,” he chuckles. 

“Well, maybe if you weren’t busy looking at knickers you would have seen us coming,” he jokes and Finn laughs as they set up beside him on the other line to hang up their own clothes. 

“I wasn’t–” Ben tries to defend himself but Finn is already waving it off.

“Don’t worry, he’s just messing with you.”

Ben forgets that some people, _friends,_ do that. He’s so used to getting mad at Hux or hearing quiet gossip from the collectors or the other people on his floor. This was new, but he liked it. They weren’t being mean about it.

And strangely enough, they were being very supportive and helpful when it came to Rey. After he and Poe spoke the other day, at dinner time he migrates to their end of the table to sit next to Rey and hang out more with them too. 

It all made dinner a rather enjoyable occasion which was odd because Ben was so accustomed to eating by himself. Now, he spends a good portion of the day looking forward to it. Plus, he always liked to look up to the other end of the table and see the warm smile on his mother’s face. Like she was happy to see him there.

“Seriously though, any progress?” Poe asks, pinning up a pair of trousers. 

Ben doesn’t think that talking to her about their favorite colors or doing laundry would count as progress to Poe so he just shakes his head, realizing just how hopeless he was at this. 

Poe clicks his tongue. “Shame. Sorry, bud. Rey is a tough one to crack. In the whole time we’ve been here, we’ve never seen her with another guy. I’m not sure what she would be into, date wise, I mean.”

Ben shrugs, “Well, I mean, I know it’s not ‘dates’ but I like just helping her out with her chores and stuff.”

“Yeah, but Ben, you got to get out of that loop so you can show a more sensitive side.”

“I helped her reinforce a bird’s nest so it wouldn’t fall from a tree. I thought that was kind of–”

Finn stops him with a hand on his shoulder. “Ben, that’s very sweet, but I think what Poe is saying is about the romantic atmosphere as well as actions.”

“Okay, well then I’m lost.” This place was beautiful. It seemed like all of it was a romantic atmosphere. “Besides, I thought you two met on a boat. That doesn’t sound like much of an atmosphere.”

“You got me there,” Poe shrugs. “Maybe we should just throw a party. You can loosen up and dance together and who knows what that will lead to.”

_Oh no, that’s a horrible idea._

“You know, I really appreciate that both of you want to help me but I know my limitations. The fact that I’ve come this far without massively embarrassing myself means that soon enough I will and all of this will be for nothing. Besides, this is…” he lowers his voice, looking over to her, relieved when she was busy talking to Rose. “This is Rey. I’d never forgive myself if I made her uncomfortable, even in the slightest.”

“Ben,” Poe smirks at him. “You just don’t know how to dance, do you?”

Ben huffs. They could see right through him. “Nope.”

They both laugh at him and Ben can’t help but join them. It was kind of funny, he supposes.

“Don’t worry. I can give you some pointers. You’ll be a natural in no time. We know how to party.”

Finn snorts. “Poe, you know how to get drunk. There’s a difference.”

“Well, no matter. We always have a good time,” Poe says.

“Hey,” Finn exclaims, looking to Poe with an idea and seemingly ignoring Poe’s. “You know what we should do?”

“Help me with the laundry?” Poe asks sarcastically and Finn chuckles, turning back around to help him pin up some socks on the line. 

“I was going to say that he could get her some of those plants she likes from that nursery in the other town over.”

“Oh, yeah,” Poe nods in approval.

“Or some seeds or something that she can plant since it’s pretty much spring by now,” Finn says, taking a deep breath of the outside air. It was very agreeable today, even if Ben didn't usually stop to think such things as the weather when he's in New York. Or at least not when it was good although he realizes he finds plenty to complain about when it inconveniences him. 

“Seeds?”

“Well, she loves plants. They’re like her favorite things and I’m sure she mentioned how passionate she is about botany.”

Rey was always passionate about plants. Or really, anything that grows and has a fair amount of green involved. He remembers the first summer she was here, she was in awe of how green it was. She could spend hours just running through the grass and admiring all the flowers. 

“My mother did say something about her having journals when I first arrived but haven’t seen them. Plus, Rey is very knowledgeable about all the plant life here so...that actually, all makes sense. That’s a nice idea.”

“Yeah, it’s perfect. _A meaningful gesture_.”

"Guess that means the party idea gets put on hold though," Poe says with a pout but Finn smacks him playfully and he laughs. "I'm just kidding. That sounds like a very solid idea."

“Yeah, I like it too,” Ben nods. He would like to get her something she likes. Something she’s passionate about. He finishes hanging up his laundry and moves over to ask both of them a little more directly. “Where did you say this place was again?”

* * *

Rey was walking down to her little house with the basket of laundry at her hip. She could have taken the truck but she was inside more today so she preferred to walk although now she’s regretting it because laundry gets heavier than it should be.

She had been hoping to see more of Ben today but she lost him not long after breakfast after they all hung up the laundry. She was going to go look for him but then she promised Maz she would help her clean table cloths as well as dusting some of the taller cabinets Maz couldn’t reach even from the stools. So Rey kept busy but spent most of the day quietly wondering where he had gone to. 

But as she arrives back to the cottage, her eyes stop as she notices a cluster of potted daisies sitting on the iron garden table that’s been there for years. She sets down the basket of laundry to investigate further. 

She admires them curiously, wondering where they could have come from. Scattered all about the table are packets of daisy seeds as well as en envelope with her name on it and she’s eternally grateful it hadn’t drizzled in the late afternoon and possibly soiled it.

Her heart lives in her throat though because she recognizes the penmanship instantly.

_Rey,_

_Ran a few errands with Finn and Poe today. We visited a nursery that they mentioned you really like. I'm sure there's a lot there you would love but I got you some daisies as I recall you being quite partial to them when you were younger. And we used to make little crowns out of them._

_I know there’s plenty of clusters of these around but I figured we could always use more. Or if you think not, you could keep them safe until you found a place suitable for them._ _Although, I was wondering if tomorrow we could plant the seeds someplace if the weather is willing._

_As for the potted flowers, I figured you could put them wherever you please. Consider it a housewarming gift several years too late._

_See you at dinner._

_-Ben (the accountant)_

She laughs to herself, feeling her cheeks heat up. 

_He remembered._

She remembers how they would sit in the grass and he would help her braid the stems together to make a series of crowns of flowers. They even managed to make one for Chewie once.

She’s been trying to convince herself that she and Ben were just catching up and recalling what good friends they used to be. But it feels undoubtedly different. Like when she meets his eyes from across the room or when their hands brush past each other while they’re out trimming hedges and whatnot. It feels profoundly _intimate_. Which isn’t a word she’s considered about really anything in her life before. 

It was exhilarating in a lovely and terrifying sort of way. Perhaps only scary because it seemed to be unfamiliar feelings regarding the boy she’s known since she was a child. Only they weren’t children anymore and there’s so much about him that surprises her. 

Like these flowers and seeds. It was such a kind thing to do and it certainly seemed like he might be feeling the same. He must be feeling this odd but alluring sensation too. She wondered earlier if he was looking for some space from her today after spending so much time with her. And in a way, he really should. He was here to see his family again and not to spend all his time with her, helping her with chores.

But then he went and did something like this and it was...sweet. 

Smiling and blushing to herself, Rey tucks the note back into the envelope and heads inside with her laundry. 

She draws back the curtains of the front window so she could see the flowers. As she looks to them fondly while she properly folds her clothes, she thinks back to her conversation with Maz this morning. 

Maybe she didn’t have to be so afraid of how she feels. Unfolding the letter again she reads it over, smiling at the mention of dinner.

Dinner was usually made into a bigger affair than it needed to be. Not that the food was overly lavish but they all sat at the same table every night and still tried to look presentable and create a lively kind of atmosphere. It helped give everyone something to look forward to every day, even if it was hard sometimes to have something to look forward to.

Sometimes that's what everyone needed given the state of things.

But Rey just usually tried to emulate that environment for everyone else, as she usually helped cook or clean. She found that distracting herself with numerous tasks was helped her cope with everything.

As much as she loved all her friends here, she finds it difficult to fit in as seamlessly as they do and she doesn't know why. That missing piece of her makes itself most prominent in the moments that she knows she's supposed to be happy like everyone else, or at least trying to be. And she does try but sometimes, pretending to be happy can make one feel all the more isolated.

Maybe that's why she distances herself in this little house even though she always tells everyone she just wants to keep it maintained. But she prefers to have this claim to this small area that didn't have near as many memories as the larger manor just up the road. She had grown so accustomed to keeping everyone at arm's length, metaphorically speaking.

However, since Ben has come back home, she finds that she's not as occupied with constantly _doing_. She spends so much time just thinking about him. And it doesn't feel like she's pretending. It feels very real.

* * *

Ben was stirring up a conversation with Rose and Kaydel while they set the table for dinner.

He had assumed that the first night he was here, everyone just gathered and ate together to be polite but they've been doing this every night. When he inquires why, they answer by saying that these days, they try to make occasions out of little things as everyone needs a few extra reasons to focus on the good. Ben smiled at the idea, realizing that was actually very sensible and might account for how everyone here was so...nice. 

It is strange that it takes him that long to realize it but he was used to more rigid crowds or the judgmental atmosphere of his work. But he tries not to linger on that because the thought of having to go back to New York makes his heart sink. His time here was quickly approaching the halfway point.

So he tries to focus on the conversation with Rose and Kaydel. Paige emerges from the kitchen, putting a vase of flowers Rey had picked in the center.

He discovers they all went to Mon Mothma’s school with Rey, and apparently they heard a lot about him. Not as much now but back when Rey would return to school in the fall, regaling them with tales of the adventures that he and Rey would get into while they stayed in Chandrila. 

“Rey told us that one time, she got locked in one of the bedrooms upstairs and you scaled the side of the house to give her a key because she was scared,” Kaydel said, folding napkins. 

Ben chuckled, recalling that day. She was about six and had wandered into one of the guest rooms with a faulty door and got locked in. His parents were out so he and Maz were looking all over for her but heard her crying softly through the door. Maz had given him the key and waited on the other side, telling Rey it would be alright while Ben went around and climbed up the ivy to the open window. Lor stood on the ground, ready to catch him if he fell. 

When he came through the window she held him tightly, crying into his shirt and thanking him for coming for her. She had been so afraid, which seemed ironic considering she had essentially lived in this house by herself for weeks without any comfort from anyone. But perhaps it was a sign that she didn’t want to be alone anymore. 

_“You’re not alone,”_ he remembers telling her. 

“Ben?” Rose asked, bringing him out of his daze. 

He clears his throat. “Sorry, yeah,” he nods, laughing nervously. “I was just remembering, I guess.”

They smile kindly as they continue on with the conversation and he tries to stay involved but his mind wanders further. 

He’s been overthinking everything since he dropped off those flowers at her house. He should have just stayed there and given them to her himself but he chickened out and just left them there with a note because he knew he would fuck it up somehow. So he ran back home, claiming to Finn and Poe he was going to take a nap or read when he’s been a nervous wreck this whole time. Eventually, he figured it would be best to confront her when she arrived but she hadn't come in yet.

By now, it was too late as she'd probably read it and concluded that he’s a total freak that just drops off things at her doorstep. Or she’s annoyed he wasn’t there himself. Or she’s angry that she didn’t go to the nursery with them.

_Fuck._ No matter what he probably crossed some line. He wishes he had some sort of insight on this stuff because already, the pressure was too much. He’s had the urge for a cigarette for hours. He only smokes when he gets nervous (which admittedly was most of the time) but then Rose asked if he could help set the table and figured that was the more constructive thing to do. Even if it did very little for his nerves.

So now he was just putting utensils in the proper order next to plates and trying to pretend like his frantic train of thoughts weren’t affecting his exterior. 

When everything is set and his mother basically forces him to sit down, telling him everything was taken care of, he sits down, running a hand through his hair and fixing his tie a bit. Leia could likely tell that he wasn't very at ease.

But then he hears Rey’s voice from the kitchen. She must have just arrived. He bolts up out of his chair, ignoring the smirk on Poe’s face as he holds the back of not just his chair but the one next to him, claiming it as hers. 

She walks in from the kitchen with a cutting board with a loaf of bread on it. She’s telling Maz something or other about a bowl of salad but he can’t even hear it. He’s too distracted.

“Hey, Rey!” Rose and Paige say in unison. 

“Hello, everyone,” she beams, her eyes meeting his from across the room as she sets the bread on the table, near the flowers.

She had on a yellow dress. She looked so good in yellow. He never regarded the color much before but he quite likes it now. And he could say the same for dresses though. He's not sure he's ever regarded the garment before but hers was lovely. It had little floral designs on it. The neckline wasn’t as modest as her other clothes as it traveled a little lower than he had seen previously. And it had white buttons that went all down the front. 

He loves it though. Almost as much as he loves her.

_Loves her?_ Ben freezes further, feeling overwhelmed by the storm in his brain at the moment, all because she walked in wearing a dress. Was it that different from the cream blouses and various skirts she was wearing every day? It didn’t change how he felt about her from a minute ago, did it? Clothes couldn’t do that.

Unless he already did love her? Did he? He’s never loved anyone before. Not like that. How could he be sure that’s what he was feeling?

_Fuck, she’s looking at me. Did she ask me something? I wasn’t listening, I’ve just been staring at her._

He clears his throat, “Sorry, what?”

Rey giggles, moving closer to him. Thankfully everyone else seems to be busy enough to not focus on how ridiculous he was acting and for the most obvious of reasons. “I said you look very smart this evening,” she tells him.

“Oh,” he nods, looking down at himself. “Thanks. So do you. I mean, you look beau–You know, you look...you also look very nice.”

_Fucking kill me. I can’t do this._

She just smiles sweetly at him. “Thank you,” she says quietly. “Oh, and I also wanted to thank you for the gifts you left me. You really didn’t have to do that.”

“No, I wanted to,” he says, finally capable of some coherent words. “Really, it was nothing.”

“Well, it was very sweet of you. You're right, those always were my favorite when I was younger. We should definitely go around tomorrow and find some proper spots for the seeds.” She takes a step closer then. "Maybe we could make more of those crowns as we used to since you mentioned it," she suggests with a laugh but he hoped she's being serious.

“I’d like that,” he tells her, his voice softer than he meant for it to be. He runs a hand through his hair, scratching his head as he tries to recall what else he was planning to say to her.

“Sorry for disappearing on you today, by the way," he finally manages.

“Ah yes, it was a pity because I had all this accounting paperwork to get through today. You would have loved it,” she jokes and he can’t help but laugh. She was never going to let him live that down and he finds he doesn't mind in the slightest. “Seriously though, don’t worry. I was mostly on dusting duty for Maz. You know, all the places she can’t reach,” she whispers, stepping closer to him. 

“I see,” he smirks, recalling that even the stools weren't enough for Maz's reach. And just as he considers this suddenly her voice booms out from behind him. No matter her size, she could be heard all over the property.

“Alright, everyone. Dinner is served,” Maz announces as she steps in from the kitchen with a large plate of roasted chicken, placing it at the head of the table where she and his mother were going to sit. 

Ben pulls Rey’s seat out for her before anyone could call her over elsewhere. She takes her seat and he does the same. Throughout the dinner, he has to refrain from staring at her. That would be creepy, so he moderates himself. So when Snap starts up a conversation from across the table, Ben welcomes it as a promising distraction as it didn’t give him much room to end up looking at her. It starts off with work, but then he tenses as it starts to evolve into a question of family. Specifically, _Han._

“You know, your father told me a lot about you,” he says, wiping his mouth with a napkin. 

Ben tenses, unable to find words so he just nods. Whatever Han had to say about him to Snap must have been bad because Han didn’t know enough about him to try to make it sound good. And Han didn’t even know about the reality of the First Order.

But what Snap does share throws him off guard for reasons he couldn't predict. 

“He said you were an amazing artist as a kid. He even showed me a really old drawing you made for him when you were a kid of a Model T. He kept it folded up in his wallet.”

Ben doesn’t know what to say. He couldn’t believe it. He must have drawn that when he was fourteen years old. He always figured his dad threw it away. But as it turns out, he had kept it, and he would show it to people because it must be one of the few things he had left of his son that he could show off. 

Ben didn’t think Han was one to do that about anything. He wasn’t exactly sentimental. 

“I had no idea he kept that drawing,” he says honestly to Snap, knowing Rey was listening. “Thank you for telling me. That...that means a lot to me.”

Snap nods. “Of course. I could tell he was proud.”

Ben nodded, feeling unworthy once again of that phrase. To think he could deserve any supposed pride his father felt for him because Ben himself had pursued a career in which he couldn’t be proud of himself. It makes him drift off as conversation resumes around him and he looks down at his plate in near shame. 

But then he feels something on his hand that was resting on his leg over the napkin. 

He glances down to see Rey’s hand brushing against his. 

It was so gentle, and perhaps a little tentative in how slowly she was doing it. But she comes to rest her palm over his knuckles and he knows she does it to comfort him. Because she knew what Snap's story really meant to him. 

He looks up to meet her eyes and she has the most sincere look in her eyes. Along with a small smile that makes him think his earlier thoughts were true. That he must love her because that could be the only reason why he could feel like his stomach was doing backflips or how he felt like melting when she looked at him. 

So, he turns his hand over until so he can lace his fingers with hers. Their hands were hidden from everyone else beneath the table, making it feel that much more sacred.

Her smile blooms wider, not looking as hesitant as she might have looked before. She looked happy. She doesn’t pull away from him as she continues to eat her food and carry on as if it was perfectly natural for her to hold his hand all through dinner.

And Ben decides, right then, that he was very much in love with Rey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then you take me in  
> And everything in me begins to feel like I belong  
> Like everybody needs a home  
> And when I take your hand  
> Like the world has never held a man  
> I know I cannot heal the hurt  
> But I will hold you here forever  
> If I can
> 
> "Exist for Love"  
> -AURORA


	6. Goodnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is smitten and in tandem with canon Ben, as soon as he understands his feelings and connection with Rey he starts making plans for their future. But this Ben tries to calm himself down before he scares her off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is pretty short but sweet.

After dinner, Ben offered to walk Rey back down to her house so she wasn’t walking alone in the dark. He's done it every night he’s been here but usually, Finn or Poe accompanied them. He was a little unnerved that it was common enough for her to walk by herself at night but she reminded him that Chandrila was much different than New York. 

He could have made plenty of other arguments about how, statistically speaking and regardless of where she was, it was best to be safe. But he doesn’t bother because she falls in step beside him, tucking her arm through his even though his hands were stuffed in his pockets. He wanted to rearrange it so he could hold her hand again but he decides this was nice too. They haven't walked down on their own before so this all felt new but oddly comfortable. Like it seemed the natural thing to do when they walked alongside each other.

“When exactly do you have to go back?” she asks him softly after they had both commented on how nice the evening was.

“A week from tomorrow night. There's a plane back for New York that leaves at ten.”

For a long moment, his words just linger in the air. The longer they’re out in the open, the more devastating the concept is. It’s already been a week and he wasn’t ready to go back at the end of the next one. Especially after the epiphany, he had at the dinner table. His feelings for Rey. 

“I’ve never been on a plane.” Her voice breaks him out of his heavier thoughts. He wonders if she says this just for the benefit of a distraction. Maybe she was thinking about it too but was looking for something lighter to remark on. 

“What’s it like?”

He chuckles, “Well, it’s actually really exciting. I’ve been on several flights now and my favorite part is right before we lift off because you have to get fast enough to get in the air and it gives you the strangest feeling in your stomach. You feel a little frightened but it’s also really exhilarating, especially when you finally ascend in the sky. It’s pretty incredible.” 

He always had to keep a straight look on his face though because more often than not, he was on a plane with Snoke and Hux and if he showed any sign of enjoyment or bewilderment, they would never let him live it down. Even the strangers that he didn't know. Most people in his society were...particular about who they socialize with and to an extent who they judge within their vicinity.

“Wow,” she breathes. “That sounds amazing.”

“I think you’d love it,” he says, suddenly thinking of all the ways he could nonchalantly mention how she could experience it for herself if she came to visit him back in the States. He's been thinking about it a lot for the past...well, whenever he realized he was in love with her which was about two hours ago. But the idea was tantalizing to him. That even when he goes back to work, he could still be with her. 

But then she just laughs. “I could never afford it,” she says and he decides that instead of offering to pay for such a ticket, perhaps it was best to switch topics to something that didn’t revolve around leaving where they currently were. Because he wanted to focus on _here_ while he was here. He didn’t want to think about leaving when he didn’t have to yet. 

“You know, in the time that I’ve been here, I’ve learned more about plants and upkeep of garden life than I thought possible,” he compliments her. “You have a real passion for it.”

She gives a humble sort of chuckle but what he fixates most on is how she’s come to practically rest her head against his arm as they walk side by side. Her arm still hooked in the crook of his. “I just really love it. I like to see things grow. How it impacts an ecosystem. How plants can sustain things and how they can sustain us.”

“Have you ever thought about going to school for it? Like a university or something?” New York University had a biology program that he's sure would involve the study of plants.

 _Stop,_ Ben shouts to himself. _Stop planning her entire life so it revolves around you._

Ben never went to college. He had the means and most of the boys at his school attended various establishments, he knows. But Snoke hired him right after he left Luke’s Academy. Ben wonders if he had gone, maybe he could have found a way to study what he was actually interested in. Like design or architecture. Snoke would have hated that.

But that path, wherever it might have taken him, was long gone. But Rey still had choices. And more importantly, she had passions. 

He hears her give a sigh. “I have, but I don’t think I will. Especially not now.”

“Because of the Depression?” Ben knows a lot of schools had fewer students these days. If she was worried about expenses, he suspects it’s because she would plan to make her own way as he imagines his mother was already offered to support her in whatever she does.

And if not, then he would.

_Calm down. Don’t offer to fund her entire life. She probably wouldn't like that._

“Yes. And also,” she shakes her head at herself, “I mean, I know this sounds silly but I guess I’d hate to leave.”

They approach the house. There’s a light next to the door that illuminates the front enough that he can see her clearly in the darkness. He thinks she’s going to leave it at that and say goodnight but then she continues.

“The last five years have been really difficult and I feel like coming here and being able to help and study my interests when I can is very comforting to me. I guess I just feel like I have a purpose here...or it has a purpose to me,” she tells him, looking up to him. She looks so vulnerable. There’s something in her eyes that makes her look so troubled. _Conflicted._ Feelings he was all too familiar with. 

“This was my first home. I’ve lost all my other ones. I guess I just want to stay as long as I can.” She smiles, but in the dim light from the lantern, he can see the slight sheen of tears to her eyes.

His chest aches at her words. He knows she’s been afraid to be alone. He knows she’s been moved around a lot in her life and she was still so young. Just twenty years old, or so they all presume. Because Rey never even knew her birthday. He remembers they all picked one out for her that they would celebrate every summer. 

It breaks his heart because he knows to belong somewhere she can call home means everything to her. And she’s spent so long trying to find a home that was hers to keep. Because she’s right. She’s lost all her other ones. 

And he...well, he’s _left_ all his homes, in pursuit to isolate himself. He had renounced so much of everything that Rey has spent her whole life wanting. _Deserving._

Steeling his nerves and all the doubts his brain was trying to convince him of, he reaches for her hands, holding them gently. “I don’t think that’s silly at all,” he tells her. “I think that makes a lot of sense.”

Rey smiles at him, saying nothing but pulling her hands from his to wrap them around his waist, pulling him closer until her face is tucked against his chest. He settles his arms around her easily. He rests his cheek against the top of her head, getting lost in the sweet smell of her hair. 

_I love you._

He could say it so easily but he doesn’t. He just lets the moment last while he has it, not brave enough to jeopardize it in any way.

But then she pulls away, looking up to him and his heart starts beating out of his chest. Like his heart thought of it before his brain could and was desperately trying to tell him that if he was going to kiss her he should do it now. 

He looks down to her lips, then back to her eyes. 

_Does she want me to?_

He sees her eyes flutter down, looking to his own mouth.

_She does._

Slowly, he brings his hands up, gently framing the sides of her face. His heartbeat sets louder, so much so that she must be hearing it too because it’s all he can hear and she so close to him. 

Why can’t he move? Why wasn’t he doing anything? He was just staring at her, probably looking like a fool.

_Fuck, maybe Hux was right. Who am I kidding? I can’t even kiss the girl I’ve just realized I’m in love with and now sh–_

His thoughts are cut short as Rey rises to her toes and kisses him promptly on the lips. 

Ben responds as quickly as he can, holding her tighter against him as all his doubts and fears are suddenly silenced as he clung to her. His stomach and his heart seem to be exchanging positions and he thinks back to what he was telling her before. How it feels when the plane lifts off the ground. This was kind of like that, only better.

When it's over and she settles back on her feet, Ben feels like he’s just landed back on Earth. He opens his eyes, thinking it must have all been a dream and he would see nothing but the ceiling of his bedroom when he did, but she’s still here. She’s looking at him with a new kind of smile. One that must have reflected his own. There’s so much whirling around in his brain at that moment that all he can manage is a soft, stupid, but honest chuckle, exposing his crooked and toothy grin.

She seems to marvel at it, bringing her hand up to his face. Her thumb brushes over the edges of his lips, lighter than a feather. "I've been wanting to do that," she whispers. 

"Me too," he agrees in a breath. His hands trail down from her cheeks to her sides, securing them around her waist. "I was going to..." he says, looking down, shaking his head a bit. "But I wasn't sure and then–"

"I know. It's okay," she tells him, her hands still brushing past his cheeks. It makes him feel so cared for. It makes him feel loved, even if they haven't said that. Even if that's not how she feels, it was enough just in how she looked at him. That for a moment he was worthy enough to feel loved by this girl.

Perhaps that is what drives him to lean forward and kiss her one more time. Just to make sure that if this was to only last for a moment, he could savor it properly. She gasps into his mouth, surprised, but quickly melts back into him. He reacquaints himself with her lips, pressing firmly to hers and keeping her body molded to his own.

Her hand trails through his hair and it makes him moan against her lips. When he does, his mouth opens ever so slightly and the kiss deepens as her tongue brushes against his and that feeling in his stomach, that weightless feeling, becomes more prominent. Like they're both floating. The only thing keeping them suspended is their hold on each other and he was willing to sacrifice the luxury of oxygen to prolong it.

But something else builds up too. Only it's lower and it's like all the heat from his veins was pooling in his abdomen, making the rest of him practically shudder. By the time he recognizes it for what it is (it takes him longer than it should but he is distracted) he pulls away, practically gasping for air. He meets her eyes and they stare at each other for a long moment, catching their breath.

"Sorry, I...um," he shakes his head, not sure what to say. Even now he can't seem to say what he needs to so his mouth hangs open like a fish.

“Don't be," she says, her voice more winded than before but her smile remains the same.

Ben's brow furrows, confused by what she means before he realizes he must have apologized. He knew he spoke, he just didn't know what.

His expressions must be matching his thoughts because she gives another soft giggle that makes him swoon and he becomes alarmingly concerned with what's happening to him at a speed he can't quite fathom. 

"Goodnight, Ben,” she breathes out, pressing a final kiss to the corner of his mouth, her hands sliding out of his hair. A presence he instantly misses.

“Goodnight,” he says, his voice lower than he expected. He doesn’t comprehend he’s even said it really. He feels like he’s in a daze. But he realizes it’s a farewell as she slips out of his arms and turns for the house.

He is frozen where he stands but he’s transfixed with the shape of her as she goes to the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow,” he promises, raising his hand as if he’s going to wave at her because that’s the most he seems to be able to offer at the moment.

As the door closes, the sound of it breaks him out of his trance. The last few minutes and the reality of it all crashes into him in the most invigorating way. 

_Holy shit._ He didn't expect...that. But damn, was he amazed by it.

He takes in a lung full of air from around him, trying to will himself to relax, glancing down the front of his trousers, ensuring nothing was too extreme that she would have noticed while she was going inside. He takes a huge sigh of relief when it seemed alright which seems to ease the tension slightly.

Ben brushes his mouth with the pads of his fingers, where her lips had just been. They practically tingle from the sensation of hers being there and he shakes his head to himself, in total disbelief.

"Rey," he whispers to himself, still reeling from it all.

Turning around, he heads back for the house with a spring in his step he’s never had. After about ten paces he starts jogging, running in the darkness of night with the biggest smile he’s ever had. 

_He's in love with Rey._

He wants to shout it out into the night air so that everyone in a five-mile radius will hear. _But no._ As tempting as that was, he wants to say it to her directly. Just to her. He seems to have enough presence of mind to know that.

Still, it doesn’t slow his pace or tame his grin in the slightest.

* * *

Rey smiled to herself so large for who knows how long. She couldn't believe she had kissed him in the first place but maybe Maz's words this morning had more of an impact than she thought.

_"When the moment is right, you make a move. Junior thinks too much and he’ll take forever."_

She could tell he wanted to kiss her first but he was frozen. Or afraid, maybe. Like she was afraid. And so, she thought maybe the best way to assure him she understood was to meet him halfway. But she never expected it to feel the way it did, especially when he ducked to kiss her the second time and she pressed to her toes as high as she could to be closer to him. 

She’s never kissed anyone before. At least not on the lips. She wasn’t entirely sure what to expect but it was...amazing. 

And it was with Ben. 

She covers her cheeks with her hands, trying to ease the ache from the grin that won’t go down. It had all been real and it was lovely.

_He's so..._

She didn’t even know how to describe it. But he was _Ben._ In his own bashful, endearing, and slightly awkward way, he was quite perfect. 

“I think I love him,” she breathes out to herself in the emptiness of the house.

Rey already loved him before, as her oldest friend. As her found family and the lanky boy she looked forward to seeing every summer when she was a child. But this love was different. Like an entirely different world that she had no idea how to navigate but she wanted to learn. It was flooding through her, this warm, slightly frightening, but exciting sensation. 

She wanted to ask him inside, but perhaps that would have been too forward. Although that’s probably what a New York girl would do. But she had to catch her breath and when he pulled away, looking the most baffled and dazed she had ever seen from him, she could tell he needed some air too and she wondered if this was new for him too. 

So she said goodnight, looking forward to tomorrow, hoping that a night’s rest would help her figure out what this was before she threw all caution to the wind and gave in to whatever it was that had suddenly awakened within her, seemingly calling not just to her but Ben as well. 

Rey steps over to her washroom, running the faucet and splashing water across her face, hoping it would help break through the madness a bit, or at least get her to stop smiling. She thinks back to their conversation on the walk here. Ben was leaving in a week. Back for the States where the chances of him returning were very slim. She knew he wasn’t staying for long. But she had just been so excited to see him again that she wasn’t thinking about how long he would really be here. 

But maybe what matters is that he’s here now. She’s always been afraid of people leaving but maybe if she already knows he’s leaving, then she can just treasure the time with him she does have. And she knows that regardless of the time she may or may not have left with him, she is certain that she feels the way she feels. Looking at her reflection, she blushes. 

She very much loves Ben Solo. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Rey are in love with each other after only six days of being reunited??? *pretends to be shocked*


	7. Perfect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This seems kind of sappy and like the most fanfiction-y kind of fanfiction I've ever written but I don't really care bc it's soft. 
> 
> I still don't know enough about plants and I could have done better research but I didn't...so plant as well as historical inaccuracy abound. 
> 
> BTW, this chapter starts off featuring the three most recent tags so...*hides*
> 
> Thank you for coming, lol.

_He’s with her again. Only this time it’s not outside her house, they are in his room. He scoops her into his arms, pulling her as close as he can as they fall to the bed. The ridiculously small bed._

_“Ben,” she breathes out. Her legs wrap around his hips and he dives to kiss her again._

_“Rey,” he moans out, his hands trailing all along her body. He can hardly breathe he's so consumed with her and he doesn't even care. He wants more of her and he can hardly believe she wants him at all._

_“Rey, I love–”_

_His words are cut short by a loud banging coming from the door._

_“Ben!”_

* * *

“Ben!”

Ben woke up with a jolt, his heart beating faster than it should have. 

“Ben, if you’re in there, breakfast is ready,” Finn calls through the door.

Ben swallows roughly, trying to catch his breath. He must have overslept. It was brighter than it usually was when he got up for a run. 

“I–I’ll be down in a few minutes,” he shouts to the door.

“Alright, see you then.”

Ben deflates back down to the pillows with a big sigh. But in his attempt to relax, he realizes he was more worked up than he thought as he looks down at the bulge in his boxers. “Fuck,” he muttered to himself. He knows it’s because of the dream he had awakened from that was responsible for this.

Usually, when this happens Ben either takes care of it for himself in the shower. But he didn’t have a shower and he wasn’t going to risk making a run for the bathroom in this state on the off chance other people were walking around. 

So he stays on his bed, gritting his teeth hoping it would subside. 

But it doesn’t. If anything it gets worse as he can’t help but think of the dream, or the night before...or Rey for that matter. He felt consumed by her and this felt vastly different from the odd occasion he would wake like this. It felt more urgent somehow and Ben could not ignore it any longer as he tucked his hand below his waistband and takes himself in hand. 

He thinks of her eyes. Her soft lips on his. 

He thinks of a reality where it was real and this could really be his home and he had never even heard of the First Order. A reality where every day he got to wake up with Rey in his arms.

His mind wanders back to the dream and what he saw. How his hand ran past her thigh to keep her legs locked around him. How she was wearing nothing but that lacy slip he had seen on the line yesterday and it revealed more of her cleavage to him. 

His breathing is heavy as he chased the need. It's never been this intense before but he's never really had much to satisfy his desires to this degree that even his imaginings of such things were driving him mad.

 _Ben,_ he thinks, said in her voice. 

"Rey," he breathed out.

_I love you._

Groaning louder into the room, he finishes, making a mess in his boxers and all over his skin. He takes a moment to catch his breath, his heart pounding in his ears as he starts to wind down. 

Shame floods him moments later as it usually does when he touches himself but this time was different, he knows. Because this was Rey.

He wants her. It's quite staggering at how certain he is of that when he's always been so wish-washy of what he's wanted throughout his life but this he knows. He wants to be with her in every way. He wants to show her how much he loves her, entertaining for a moment that he was capable of doing so in the way she deserved. To be worshipped.

But he knows he can't. And that wasn't fair to her. Even if she truly felt the same, who was he to share that with her when he was meant to leave? He would hate to share something so intimate with her only to say goodbye soon after.

For a moment he toys with the idea that she could return with him to New York. He had plenty of room in his apartment and he finds himself getting lost in the thought of sharing a life with her. Sharing domesticity with each other. Loving one another. Maybe even getting married and having a family. All things he thought were impossible or previously of no interest now seem to be what he now craves.

And yet, maybe it is impossible. To think that Rey would want all that with him. But damn was it something to think about. 

When his heart has finally settled and his breathing returned to normal, he swings his legs over the side of the bed with a groan. Before he went downstairs for breakfast, he would have to clean off fairly quickly.

Hopefully, he can control himself from ruining everything.

* * *

Rey usually sees him by now. Even with the time change, he was early riser here but she wonders if it’s because he has a hard time sleeping anyway and running helps balance him out a bit. 

She’s done very little else but think of him. She hardly slept at all the previous night, driven mad with the memory of his lips on hers. 

She had gotten up earlier than she meant to and she had gone to the pond on the off chance he might run by but she doesn’t think he had gone running at all because no one had seen him. 

She was more attentive to her appearance than she usually was this morning. Something that hadn’t escaped Maz’s notice as she gave her a knowing look before helping her cook some eggs. 

But then, while she was eating some toast sitting next to Rose, she perks up to see him stride in with a smile and damp, slicked hair, like he had just cleaned up. He looked so handsome. And a bit sheepish as he loaded his plate with eggs and toast before returning to the table where he takes the open seat closest to her which was regrettably across the table. 

“Morning,” he says, looking like he could have been blushing but she gives him the benefit of blaming the warm bathwater. 

“Morning,” she breathes back and he smiles softly back at her. It was endearing and truly beautiful and Rey couldn’t believe that it was meant for her. 

She doesn’t remember him being this bashful growing up. He was always there for her though. He would give her piggyback rides through the fields or let her sit in the front basket of his bike when she was tiny enough. Leia has been so mad, saying it wasn’t safe. But the closest Rey ever came to flying must have been when Ben peddled down the road and Rey sat in the basket with her hands in the air. 

It was a beautiful memory and she nearly brings it up then but then Rose catches her attention. 

“Are you busy today?”

“I-“ she looks to Ben. “I was going to plant some seeds if the weather is willing,” she says and he folds his lips hiding a smile.

“Well, I think the boys were planning on having a little party this evening. Maybe we could decorate the one big room a bit, just for a little fun. Show Ben a good time,” she says with a laugh. “In fact, Ben we could use you to hang things up high if you’re willing.”

“Yeah, of course. I’d love to help,” he said, taking a bite of his eggs. 

“Great. We can fiddle around with it after lunch so take your time to plant your seeds and what not. I’m going to go into town with Paige and Kaydel and we’ll pick up some new tunes for the turntable. And we asked Leia if it was alright and she said we could invite some of the others if they were free.”

“That sounds fun,” Rey nods.

“Oh, if you stop to see Baze,” Ben says, reaching into his pocket, pulling out his wallet. “Can you get more of those cookies? Maybe a dozen?” he asks Rose, passing her some cash he must have gotten converted. Rey tries not to blush herself at the mention of the cookies he knows she loves. The ones they shared on the drive back that one morning.

“Ben, this is way more money than you would need for some cookies unless you’re looking to buy a hundred,” Rose laughs, hesitant to accept. 

“No, take it anyway. You’ll probably be getting more things anyway and I should probably pull some more weight around here anyway,” he jokes. 

Rey wants to argue that and say he’s been doing more than enough with how much help he was giving her but refrains as Rose accepts it with a bright, “Thank you, Ben.”

“Of course,” he says, sliding his wallet back in his pocket. 

“I didn’t realize you liked cookies so much. We’ll have to be sure to get you plenty for you before you leave,” Rose says with a chuckle while she rises, taking her plate with her. But Rey freezes a little at the mention of Ben having to leave. 

He seemed to stiffen a bit too.

But it doesn’t last long because Rey realizes that now, for the most part, they were alone again as they both finished off their meal. 

“Hi,” he says softly, looking to her. A greeting that seemed more personal than the first one they shared. She couldn’t help but do the same.

“Hi,” she replies, her voice gentle, leaning forward on her elbows to be closer to him. “How did you sleep?” she found herself asking.

“Good. I overslept a bit but I feel...good,” he says and she could swear his eyes focus on her lips again. “How about you?”

“I hardly slept a wink but I feel too good to mind.”

He gives her a wide grin then. “Yeah. I think I know what you mean.”

“Well, you still want to find some spots for the flowers?”

“Of course,” he nods. 

When they rise she reaches for his plate to take to the kitchen but he stops her, ensuring he got it and she didn’t have to clean up after him. It was a very minor exchange but Rey admired it nonetheless since most men expected their dishes and what not to be cleared and cleaned for them but Ben took responsibility. And when it came to things she could tell he usually got done for him, like his laundry for instance, he faced the challenge with an open mind and in hopes of learning it for himself and not even minding when Maz barked at him for doing it wrong. 

It was quite an attractive quality. 

* * *

They walked down hand in hand to her house again so they could get the seeds. This time though the little dog, Beebee followed along as he has done several times before because he seemed to be smitten with Rey. The little terrier was pretty adorable, Ben had to admit. And he just trotted along beside them, stopping occasionally to smell the grass and whatnot before he would rush to catch back up with them. 

As they approached the house she tugs him inside. In the week he’s been back he has yet to go inside her house. He scarcely recalls what it even looked like when Lor used to live here. But instantly he could tell it was different because he would have remembered this.

It was cozy and warm and probably half the size of his apartment altogether but it was...perfect. 

“Make yourself at home. I’m going to set out some water for Beebee, find the seeds and then we can be off.”

“Take your time,” he tells her, walking around as if he were in an art exhibit with his hands respectfully at his back while he took everything in. 

His apartment, as lavish as it was was so impersonal. He only had things that were considered fashionable or because they were expensive. But Rey’s space felt like a real home. 

On the walls were framed photographs of her from school. With Ahsoka. With Finn and Rose and all the others on what seemed to be her birthday. He even sees one of them with Chewie when he must have been around fifteen years old.

But then he stops as he looks to the next frame and finds it to be a drawing. 

A drawing he made for her the last summer he was here. When he was seventeen. 

It was of the Chandrila house with Rey sitting on the front steps. He loved to draw when he was younger and all the times he told Rey of how he would become an artist flood back. 

He remembers making it for her so that she could keep it with her. 

And she had kept it. After all these years. Like Han had supposedly kept the model T in his wallet.

“Oh, I see you found my Ben Solo original,” she smirks, stepping over with a handful of the daisy packets he got for her and a small black bound nook. 

“I can’t believe you kept it,” he breathes out. It’s in great condition. The lines weren’t smudged and it still looked like he had torn it from his sketchbook that day. 

“Are you kidding? It’s one of my most prized possessions,” she says, coming to stand beside him, her head leaning against his shoulder so she could admire it too. “It was right before we all had to leave that last summer you came and I told you I didn’t want summer to end. That I loved this place more than anywhere in the world. So you made this for me. Do you remember what you told me?”

_He does._

“‘Now you can always have your home with you,’” he says and she nods in approval although her eyes look a bit more watery than they did before. 

His chest fumbles again and Ben leans forward, bringing his hand to the back of her neck as he softly pressed his lips to hers. It was chaste and gentle, but it seemed like the right thing to do at that moment. He couldn’t resist the urge. 

She smiles up at him when he pulls away and he nearly thinks she might surge forward to kiss him again but then Beebee gives a small bark over by the door and Rey chuckles, walking over to let him out. She nods for outside with a raise of her brow. “Shall we?”

He quickly closes the distance between them, kissing her softly on the forehead. He grabs her box of gardening tools with ease as they left the house and walked along the road thinking of a perfect spot to plant the seeds.

They don’t go very far before they arrive to the small pond nearby. 

“Here, maybe?” she asks him.

“I think it’s perfect,” he says. He probably was going to say that about wherever she picked but he quite likes this spot. It was where they watched the sunrise the first morning he was here. He suspects she’s picked it for that very reason and the urge to kiss her again is too compelling. He was a little ashamed this morning that he had gotten himself off to the thought of her but he doubts he would have made it very far if he hadn’t. 

He just hoped it lasted him through the day. He’s not sure he could stand the mortification he would feel if Rey witnessed such a thing. 

He has very little knowledge of how men and women really were when it came to these sorts of things. At least not in circumstances comparable to his own. He had seen Hux and the others deal with their desires in various ways with numerous women, most of which were being paid. Ben figured that the way those encounters ensued were hardly realistic so he didn’t bother to consider them as any sort of guide or reference. Especially because the way Hux spoke to women was crass and disrespectful. If he heard anyone speaking to Rey in such a way he would go ballistic. 

“Let’s start here,” Rey points to a spot and Ben follows, shaking his head of those thoughts as he reminded himself to be in this moment. He wanted to cherish this.

Ben kneels to the grass with her, following her lead as she grabs two trowels from the box he had carried and started to dig up a patch in the soil. 

She explains how they need to make the soil soft and comfortable for the potential new plants.

Beebee must be amused with their activity because he moves beside Rey and starts to dig as well and Rey coos at him, telling him what a good helper he is.

Usually, at this time of day in New York, Ben was sitting at his desk, going over pages and pages of numbers and accounts and probably too bored and desensitized to realize how miserable he really was. 

If someone told him a month ago that he would be digging up dirt and getting filthy to plant daisies with a small dog and the girl he loves in England he would have thought them delusional. 

But he was here. This was real and it was the happiest he’s possibly ever felt. 

* * *

When they’re finished a little while later and the seeds were planted and Beebee was happily chasing after a butterfly by the water, they sat back with dirt under their fingernails and smiles on their faces. Rey took the seed packets though and placed them in the small book she had brought along. 

“Is that one of your journals?” He wonders. 

“Yeah,” she said, bringing it between them so he could have a better look. She flips through some of the pages and Ben gasps, ducking even closer as he tried to make out the words she had written. And the amazing illustrations littered throughout. 

“Rey, this is incredible,” he praises. 

She shrugs, unable to take“I’m better with observational matters. Botanical illustrations. When it comes to drawing from my imagination I’m pretty wretched,” she laughs. 

“No, these are all beautiful.”

“Let me show you what I drew early this morning then,” she smirked and he waits impatiently for her to find the proper page. But then she reveals it to him and finds a striking rendition of the flowers he had gotten for her just yesterday. And one of the flowers had been pressed in between the pages. 

“Better than the real thing,” he tells her. 

“Hardly.”

“No, truly. You’re amazing,” he says, knowing he's rounded off compliment after compliment and she's trying to ignore them but he likes it. he thinks she may start to believe him.

Rey’s eyes focus on him again and this time he meets her halfway as she moves to kiss him. His hands are filthy so he refrains the urge to cup her face and instead just scoots closer to her, enjoying the soft and almost playful series of kisses they exchanged. 

It was addictive. 

He nearly feels bold enough to brush his tongue more languidly against hers but another presence suddenly pulls him out of his haze. 

Beebee was between them, prodding his nose against their faces as if he was baffled why the humans were behaving in such a way and he had come to investigate. 

“Beebee,” Rey laughs, reaching out to calm him down. “Take it easy.” Ben chuckles, ruffling the dog’s fur and he finally sits back down, giving them their space again.

They stay like that in silence for a good moment. Just looking out at the pond and admiring the clouds overhead. The gentle breeze that gusted by. It was odd. It could have been summer if he wasn’t certain it was March.

“Ben?”

He looks back to Rey.

“Do you still draw?”

He gives an amused sort of scoff. “No, I’m afraid I haven’t done it in a while. After I started working at the First Order, I guess I kind of fell into the role of an accountant. I let it get away from me.” He looks to Rey’s journal again in fondness. “But maybe I’ll get back into the habit. Your drawings are more than inspirational.”

“We should find you a sketchbook to practice in. In fact, I think Leia keeps some of your old ones in the library. Maybe there’s some empty pages.”

“I’d like that,” he tells her softly, leaning back a bit on the grass to look up to the clouds. Rey reclines beside him and his heart, unfortunately, picks up again at her proximity, especially when her hand grasps his. 

“Ben,” she whispers to him and suddenly his thought stray back to the dream he had awakened from just this morning. The way she says his name more arousing than it should be. Plenty of people called him by his name but the way she said it made his blood rush.

“Hmm?” he hums, words forgotten.

“I know I said it before, but...I’m really glad you’re here.”

“I am too. It took me too long but, returning feels like the best decision I ever made,” he says. He only realizes a moment later that he was only here after he learned his father had passed away. 

He always figured that his father didn’t do anything for him. That Han was too eager to push him away and didn’t bother to follow after him when he left Luke’s school. But his thoughts on Han have shifted drastically within the past week. Hearing the way his mother spoke of him, how Han was proud of Ben and he loved him no matter what...it was surreal. And then further, learning how he would carry around his old drawings and share them with others. 

He wouldn’t have returned unless he truly felt for his father, be it lost love or maybe guilt, but Ben knows now that he did truly love his family. And had he not answered that call, he never would have been reunited with Rey. He wouldn’t be here with her, laying in the grass with her hand in his.

He could barely stand the idea of leaving when this seemed as perfect as it must have been. 

“I’m glad you’re here too,” he tells her, taming strands of her hair in the breeze, both of them forgetting how dirty their hands were. “I’ve…” he shakes his head, “I’ve never felt like this.”

“Neither have I,” she says in a breath.

His first reaction is disbelief. That she must be saying so to be polite because she was Rey and certainly she would have felt something like this. Surely Rey would have attracted someone because she was so bright and loving that although it faintly hurt to think of her with other men, he knows to be cherished was what she deserved. 

“No?” he can’t help but ask. Disbelief heavy in his voice.

She shakes her head. “No. This is new,” she said, looking down, almost as if she was embarrassed. “Ben, last night...I mean, I’ve never kissed someone before but something just came over me. And it’s scary in a way...but it feels right.”

Her words, as strange as they may sound, are like a piece of a puzzle that fits with his own. He feels the same. But somehow it gives him the courage to say what he does. “Don’t be afraid,” he whispered out, bringing his finger to pull up her chin. “I feel it too.”

Her eyes bore into his then and his heart surges in his chest as she looks to him with such compassion that it could break him. So he presses his lips to hers to keep himself together. She eagerly meets him, with a contented hum against his mouth. 

It feels more encompassing than their other ones. They don’t pull away after a moment to breathe as they have done before. Instead, when her mouth opens, he mimics her motions from the night before and brushes his tongue past hers. She moans out then and it makes his breath catch slightly as she enthusiastically does the same. 

“Rey,” he breathed into her, her hand coming to settle on his cheek while his own moved further down until it was at the curve of her back. She scoots as well as she can to get closer and he assists by pulling her to him, closer to his body. It was all he could comprehend in that moment, the way she feels against him. 

Every time their lips part for air now, they return fiercer than before, hungrier. The urgency increases and the need for the taste for her overpowers his need for air. 

But it becomes difficult with both of them on their sides in the grass. A problem she must be feeling too because suddenly, her hand moves to his chest, pushing him softly. At first, he thinks it’s because she’s had enough and maybe he’s taken things too far, but before he could give that thought much momentum, she practically drapes herself over him. Their breathing is ragged, and even in the brightness of the day, her pupils are wide. But then they drift closed again as she slowly descends to kiss him once more. 

He groans out, slightly in shock bur mostly in pleasure as he gasped back into her mouth when they found each other again. His hands clutch at her waist.

She feels so amazing, more vivid and real and tangible than the Rey he saw in his dream. Suddenly that stream of images resurges along with his current predicament and suddenly that feeling returns and he panics, his body taking action before he gives it much further deliberation.

He sits up, bringing her with him so she’s in his lap, sat across his legs. They sit like that for a moment, their breath mingling together in their close proximity. He’s about to speak but then she talks. 

“Sorry,” she says softly.

“What? No.”

“I’m too forward, aren’t I?”

“No, Rey. I love it. I just…” he chuckles, moving her a bit so she was further down his thighs and not as close to his groin where he anatomy was betraying him. “I don’t want to scare you,” he admits, trying to will his blood to flow elsewhere.

“I thought you told me not to be afraid?” she smirked, kissing his cheek. 

“I did, didn’t I?" God, he couldn't control himself around her that even his words got muddled in his brain. Thankfully, she was keeping track of things and keeping him in line. "Well, I guess this is just all new to me too and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“You don’t,” she says, kissing the bridge of his nose this time. “Quite the contrary actually,” she chuckled, gently fiddling with the hair by his ears.

Even if she does or doesn’t fully comprehend what he’s trying to say, her understanding still makes him feel like he can get a fresh breath of air and he chuckles, and when Rey moves to kiss his other cheek he maneuvers quickly so that she lands on his lips instead. It’s more innocent than before and when she pulls away her forehead rests against his.

“I think you’re rather perfect the way you are,” she tells him, her hands on his shoulders.

He wants to tell her he loves her. It seems only right. But then he hears the distinct noise of the truck approaching from the dirt road behind them. 

Rey moves off of him, offering her hands to him so she could pull him up. Together they see Rose, Paige, and Kaydel coming up the road and the two of them quickly set themselves to rights, running hands through their hair and dusting off their clothes. They would probably still look very obvious though as Ben suspected his lips must look as swollen as Rey’s. But he also didn’t mind the thought of people knowing. He didn’t want to hide this. 

Paige pulls the truck over to where they are and Rey scoops Beebee up into her arms so he didn’t run near the wheels. Rose pops her head out the window. “We’re back!” she laughed with a wave and Ben follows Rey up to the window. “Ben, we got you loads of cookies.”

“Oh thank you,” he tells them. 

“We got some new stuff to listen to. Billie Holiday,” Kaydel remarks, sat between the sisters. “And some paper decorations for the party. We’re going to start putting them up. Are you guys ready to join us?”

Rey turns to Ben with a raised brow, as if it was his decision. He gives a small nod and it's all Rey needs to give them the affirmative.

“Yeah. I’m getting hungry again anyway.”

“Great, why don’t you two get in the back?” Paige tells them.

Rey sets Beebee in the bed of the truck before grabbing Ben’s hand and pulling him to the tailgate where she stepped on the bumper and lifted her self of the end to sit with her legs tucked beneath her on the side. He tries to mimic her actions as smoothly as he can and he succeeds although he’s much larger than she is so he has to wedge himself to sit down next to her while Beebee rushes to his lap.

They drove back up the hill and although he was certain the three women at the front were giggling and gossiping about how Rey was cuddled close to him, he found he rather enjoyed it. He brought an arm around her shoulder, resting on the side of the truck while Beebee stood on his thigh, trying to get a better feel of the rushing wind past his ears. 

It all seemed rather picturesque. He felt complete. It was strange how you could spend your whole life, searching for something even if you have no idea what it is and end up finding it one of the places that you started off at. So much had changed since then though. Including himself. He feels like it wasn’t so much a new side to him but perhaps one that had been buried beneath his First Order cynicism and expensive suits. He feels like he was the Ben he was always secretly hoping to be. And he felt the most himself when he was with her. 

He figures it would be best to confess his feelings once they were truly alone again, no matter how tempting it was. So instead, he replies to her earlier compliment.

“I’m far from perfect, but the closest I get to feeling it is when I’m with you. Because you’re…” he turns to look at her as she looks up at him fondly. “There’s not a word good enough for you. _Beyond perfect_ or other-worldly, or maybe just...Rey.”

Rey snorts, “‘Just Rey?’ Ben, I can’t be your definition of perfect. I’m nobody.”

His hand quickly grasps hers. “Not to me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The par-tay is up next...among other things, haha


	8. Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this might be cliché but...yeah, no, it's cliché. Unfortunately, it's all I know, lol. 
> 
> Thanks for coming to the party.

Rey was helping Rose with the decorations, as everyone was. But she was more focused on Ben who was stringing up some colorful streamers while Maz told him where else to put them. 

He was so amazing. She’s sure now more than anything how she feels. She truly loves him.

“Rey!” 

Rey spins back around to see Rose with a smirk on her face. “Sorry, what?”

“I’ve been trying to get your attention,” Rose laughs. “Pass me the other tablecloth.”

“Right, sorry,” Rey says, trying to gather her thoughts.

Rose just laughs at her. “Rey, what is going on with you?”

“Nothing,” she chuckles nervously. It’s hardly convincing.

Rose snorts, “Oh, it’s nothing? Is that why you keep looking at Ben like you’re melting?”

“Shh!” 

“Well, you’re not very discrete about it,” she laughs. 

Rey’s heart jumps to her throat. Maz said something like that too. “I don’t know what you mean.” 

“Sure, and I didn’t notice the two of you had swollen lips, ruffled clothes, and tussled hair when we picked you up earlier.”

Rey tries to deny it but she’s right. They must have been a sight when the girls came to pick them up. They had gotten a little carried away. Or maybe she had just gotten carried away, she doesn’t know. She felt like she tended to do that around him though. But it didn’t feel senseless or ridiculous. She felt so happy and comfortable with him that it all just seemed natural. She never wanted it to end. 

“I know,” Rey blushes. “I...I mean, this probably sounds so stupid but, he’s just so…” Rey can’t even say anything she’s smiling too much. 

“You love him,” Rose says simply. She makes it sound so easy.

“I do,” she breathes out, looking over her shoulder to make sure no one else could hear them. She sees Ben talking to Finn and Kaydel, the three of them pointing to the streamers. She hears him give a small laugh and her heart twists a bit at the small smile that comes with it. He was so beautiful.

“And he leaves in a week.”

“I know,” Rey says sadly, the reality of that washing over her again as she looks down to her hands. 

Rose settles a hand on her shoulder. “Hey, don’t worry about that now. Think of it more as a week left to just have fun. Give in a little, Rey. You always overwork yourself and I can tell that you’ve been...well, you’ve just seemed a little distant. It’s so nice to see you like this and I think you should remind yourself that you deserve to be happy. We need to find the reasons to be happy right now.”

“Thank you,” Rey says sincerely. 

“But seriously though, tonight we’re having the party. It’s perfect. Anything could happen,” she says, jostling Rey’s arms playfully. 

“Rose,” Rey chuckles. 

“What are you going to wear?”

“Oh, uhh…” Rey looks down at her blouse and skirt. It was a little wrinkled and dirty and Rey’s just realizing how scandalous she really looked. “I suppose I should go get cleaned up. Maybe I’ll wear the dress I wore last night.”

“No, Rey, you have to wear something different. You have to drive him crazy.”

“Drive him–Why would I want to do that?” She didn’t exactly have the most extensive wardrobe. The dress from last night was about the most exciting article she had. She did have that one black dress that was rather elegant but she had worn it to Han’s funeral and she thought wearing it to a party would be in very poor taste.

“Believe me it works. Let’s go see if Leia has something for you.”

“I wear the other dress to our other parties and you didn’t say anything. I thought you liked that dress.”

“I do! But tonight, we decided to go fancier.”

“Since when?” Rey laughs, catching Ben’s eyes as they leave the room.

He winks at her and she swoons. It takes a moment for Rey to catch up to Rose’s words. 

“Since Leia wanted to make her son’s return a proper celebration and go all out. Even though he knows about it and it won’t technically be a surprise, it’s kind of in his honor.”

“Oh,” Rey nods, wondering how Ben would feel about that. “That’s nice.”

“And because I think she secretly wants the two of you to get married or something,” Rose laughs.

“M-Married?” Rey stops suddenly. That was definitely taking it a little far, Rey tells herself but then the vision of it suddenly coming to mind. 

Rose spins around, yanking her arm up the stairs. “Rey, I don’t think you’re the only one who really wants him to stay. Leia wants him to stay home.”

 _Home. Here with her. Maybe getting married. Maybe having a future together._

Her legs were hardly operational and she was really taking advantage of Rose pulling her around. The feeling comes back after she realizes that regardless, Ben would be getting on a plane in a week and return to his life and she would likely return to hers.

"That only matters if he wants to stay," Rey says but she thinks Rose purposely ignores her.

* * *

Ben watches as Rey is whisked away by Rose. She smiles at him as she leaves and he winks at her. He smiles to himself after she’s gone, wondering where the hell he learned to wink.

“Hey, Solo,” Poe says, striding over. “How’s it coming?”

He rolls his eyes. “Fine.”

“‘Fine’, the big man says. Wow, that’s riveting. Sounds like a party will help you after all. I’m such a genius.”

“Total genius,” Ben tells him, keeping to himself that his afternoon was actually quite perfect. 

“That reminds me, did you pack something fancy?”

“ _Fancy?_ Is this a formal party?” Ben asked, assuming it to be a more casual matter since it was just a notch up of the dinners that they usually had. 

Poe shrugs. “Probably not New York fancy but for Chandrila standards it’ll be pretty snazzy. We're going to make it a shin-dig that everyone deserves. Especially because the others from town.”

“Oh, right. That’s nice,” Ben nodded before trying to think back to his inventory. “Uh...yeah, I can put something together. No problem.”

But suddenly all he can think about is what Rey would possibly be wearing. 

* * *

Leia had hoped she was being bold enough earlier when she urged Rose to bring Rey up so she could find something for her to wear. So when there was a knock at her door, she turned to the door, her hands focused on her braids. “Come in,” she called out, knowing it would be them.

Rose walks in, holding Rey’s hand. The shorter woman wore a grin on her face as she nodded to the brunette. A look on her face that said, _I got her up here like you told me to._

Leia gives a subtle, appreciative nod.

“Hello, ladies. How are the decorations coming?”

“Good. The main room is mainly situated. Maz is going to start the salmon in a little while. The other guests all promised to brings sides and to be dressed to the nines.”

“Wonderful. I’m so excited to have a proper party around here. Even if it was Dameron’s idea to begin with,” she cracks and the two younger women laugh. “I think he just wanted to find a way to get every body drunk.”

“Well, regardless, it’ll be fun,” Rose says. “Everyone needs a good pick me up,” she says, throwing her arm over Rey’s shoulder but Leia knows she’s referring to Han. His death had put everyone down. Until Ben came home and little sparks started to shine again. As cloudy as it was starting to look outside, today has been the sunniest day in a while for Leia. 

“But, anyway, as for wardrobe, Paige and I are covered. We have some gowns, you know them. We wore them to that one charity party we went to with you that one time.”

“Ah, of course. You’ll look lovely.”

“However for Rey, I was wondering if we could help her out. I recall you mentioning we would always be welcome to anything in your wardrobe.”

Before Leia can say anything Rey holds up her hands, looking nervous. “Leia, really. You don’t have to. I can–”

“Nonsense. I’d love for you to pick something,” Leia says, standing up as she finishes her hair. “Dare I say, I’ve been hoping for it. I think I have the perfect thing for you,” she says, holding out her hand for Rey to take. She guides her over to her closet where she had placed the dress right in the middle, conveniently waiting for her to take it out again. Funnily enough, Leia has thought for the last few years that this dress would look amazing on her but she kept it to herself. Knowing Rey usually wasn’t one for these kinds of matters. 

But as she pulls out the long silky emerald gown, Rey’s eyes go wide. 

She’s grown so much since they first found her here in this house. She’s become the kindest and most beautiful young woman and Leia could not be prouder for it. 

And then when Ben returned that first day and she found them hugging in the hallway, a wonderful concept began to brew in her mind, especially when Ben seemed to be immediately besotted. Watching as she walked away from him with that look on his face. He looked so much like Han at that moment. 

To think that after all this time that Ben and Rey could come together and find love and happiness with each other seemed too perfect. Like a dream. Because it was already blissful enough to have ben here at all. She suspected long ago he had stopped reading her letters and she doubted that Ben would ever read the one regarding his father’s death. But he did read it and he finally came back. After all these years, he returned and no matter what she was grateful for that. 

Han would have loved to see it, she knows. But she also knows that he died loving his son, no matter the distance or the heartache they had all endured in the long separation.

But then there was Rey. Rey who has been in their lives for over fifteen years. She was so bright and even though they all suspected it may not be her real name, Rey was all too fitting. 

Leia and Rose watched her as Rey looked to the dress Leia had laid on the bed. But she looked afraid to touch it. 

“Leia, I couldn’t possibly. Surely the party isn’t _this_ fancy.”

“It’s going to be a bit spiffier. I thought it would add a little something to the atmosphere.”

The atmosphere being, _I really need to knock more sense into my boy so he doesn’t leave next week so I’m going to dress this girl up in a gown that could have been made for her._

Rey insists on cleaning up a bit before she touches the silk which Leia allows pointing to her private bathroom. Rose leaves to get herself ready and Leia takes the few minutes of privacy to get into her own gown. It was a deep mauve material and Leia rather liked the elegance to it. She thought it was very fitting for her age. As she was pinning on a brooch to the collar, Rey enters again. Leia passes her the dress then and nods for the partition so she could get dressed. 

Rey takes it with a bashful smile before disappearing behind the screen. 

“So how was your day, my dear?” Leia asks out, returning to the vanity, fiddling over the things. She shouldn’t be this giddy.

“It was fun. Ben bought me some flower seeds yesterday. We went and planted them today down by the pond.”

 _Oh, that’s a very gentleman thing to do,_ Leia reflects, proud of her son. 

“That sounds nice. I hope you showed him some of your journals. I know he would find them incredible.”

“Uh, actually I did,” Rey says from behind the screen. “He...he really liked them. Especially my drawings. It reminded us of how much he used to draw.”

“Does he still take it up?” Leia asks, genuinely curious. Her son had such talent when he was young. She would love for him to still indulge himself in his passions, even if the world was facing heavy times right now, art always had a way of helping people. And she knew Ben had that in him. 

“No, he told me but I think he’d like to try again. In fact, I told him that you still keep his old sketchbooks.”

“Of course I do. Actually just the other day–” Leia stops as she sees Rey emerge while she was looking in the mirror. Her breath catches as she quickly stands and turns around, looking to the young woman standing across from her. “Rey,” she breathes out. “Darling, you look…” Leia feels her eyes getting teary. It fit on Rey like it was tailored for her. “You look beautiful.”

“Leia, I can’t wear this,” Rey says, her hands brushing past the fabric. “I’ve never worn anything like this before.”

“But you can now,” Leia tells her, taking in the sight of her.

“Where did you even get this?”

“I got it when I was visiting in Paris several years ago. I was staying with some friends there before I came back to England. But I was out window shopping one day when I saw it on a mannequin. I knew I could never wear it. It was for one thing not built for me, even if I was young enough to wear it. I’m too short. But I wanted to get it anyway. Keep it around. I’ve always been a compulsive buyer,” she laughs.

Leia recalls very vividly at the time of purchase how she was thinking of giving it as a gift of goodwill to a future daughter-in-law. She always wondered if Ben had been married or what he was up to so instead of facing him directly, she just spiraled further into the dream of what she could have if he was still around and they still spoke. 

There were lots of things she had collected over the years she wanted to give to Ben, including various sketchbooks she’s gotten from all over the world. She would love to give them to him. Certain things that would be gifted to future grandchildren or any that she just didn't know about. But when Ben arrived and he said that he lived alone and she realized those things would be collecting dust a little longer.

However, Leia smiles as she suspects that she has gifted the dress to her future daughter-in-law anyway. 

“Come over to the mirror, Rey, you have to see yourself properly,” she says, guiding her over to the full-length mirror in the corner of the room. 

When Rey sees herself for the first time she gets very quiet, her expression a little surprised. As if she can’t believe it’s her own reflection. 

The gown was made of silk. The front had a rather low cut to it but it was undeniably elegant. The skirt of it seemed simple at first but when she walked it flowed. Almost looked like it could float or it was made of liquid. It was mesmerizing. 

And then of course there was the back. The back of the gown was far from modest but too intriguing to ignore. Leia wonders what Ben’s face would look like. It would be ideal if she could photograph it but that was a bit of a larger ordeal for something that was truly meant for just the two of them. 

“What do you think, my dear?”

“I…” she chuckles. “I love it," she says softly, turning slightly to see more of it. "You know I love green.”

“I do.”

“You don’t think it’s a little...too much for a party with everyone?” She asks, fiddling with the fabric in her hands, admiring how it moved. 

“It’s just right. Don’t think about that too much, just enjoy it,” Leia tries to convince her before pulling her towards the vanity. The girl had cut her own hair recently and Leia had to give her credit. It was quite adorable and suited her quite well. Leia grabbed the brush, running through it a bit. She has very fond memories of doing this to her when she was small. When it gave Leia a glimpse into what it would have been like to have a daughter. 

There’s a knock at the door then. Leia passes Rey the brush and pointed to some barrettes in a tray. “Help yourself to anything.”

She opens the door to see Maz, cleaning her glasses with her blouse. “Some of the guests are starting to arrive and I look a mess. I’m going to get dressed. Would you like to go down to the front lines and get everyone settled?”

“Of course,” Leia tells her. “Go ahead. I’ll be down in a minute.”

Maz nods, heading off to her room. 

“Rey, go ahead and take your time. Come down when you’re ready. Some of the others are here.”

“Alright,” she says, pinning the little star barrettes in her hair. She already looked beyond gorgeous but Leia didn’t want to rush her.

She leaves her be, with a knowing smirk on her face as she wonders where her son could be. She loved the idea of her family slowly coming back together. She wasn't expecting Han to return but he did. Unfortunately, Han knew he was running out of time. But hopefully Ben is realizing that he has his whole life ahead of him. 

If only Luke could get his head out of his ass and stop hiding. 

* * *

Ben made his way back downstairs, fiddling with his tie. 

Obviously, when he had packed in a rush that night in his apartment, he hadn’t packed his tux or anything. However, he knows that all of his clothes were fairly high end anyway so he put one on in its entirety, not sure he liked how the weight of it reminded him of work. For the last week, he’s been lenient and forgone his waistcoat and his jacket most days. Sometimes even his tie. He’s just been rolling up his sleeves and keeping it more unbuttoned than usual. It was nice and Ben felt like he could breathe better. 

It was odd how just clothing could make him feel anxious again and for a moment he wonders if he could manage to smoke a cigarette the way he did constantly in his office. 

He hears the lull of the party in the main room. Can hear his mother making conversation and making everyone feel welcome.

He should walk in and do the same. But he wasn’t like his parents. He wasn’t like Poe. He’s horrible even making small talk in business meetings so he always pretended to be looking through his paperwork. Why was he thinking so much about work? 

He hears footsteps behind him and he looks up to see Rose and Paige descending. He smiles at them warmly. 

“Hey, Ben. You look very nice,” Rose tells him.

“Thank you. So do both of you. Very lovely,” he says kindly.

“Has Rey come down yet?” Paige asks, attempting to look past him into the main room.

“Uh,” Ben does the same but doesn’t see her. “I don’t know, I haven’t gone in yet. I don't think so though.”

Paige and Rose give each other a knowing kind of look that he can’t interpret but before he can think about it too much they give him a pat on each shoulder, walking around him to join the party. “We’ll see you in there, Solo.”

“Yeah...right. Good,” he says awkwardly, returning his hands to his pockets, suddenly feeling sweaty. Why was he sweaty? Maybe it was because of the party. He didn’t do parties. He didn’t do much of anything, actually. But this party would be different. Not to mention Rey would be here and he was more than eager to see her.

He looks down to his wrist, wondering what time it was but groans as he realizes he left his watch in his room. Turning around, he makes back up the stairs to fetch it but on the fourth step he stops.

It’s like he’s hypnotized, watching a peculiar emerald green waterfall as it cascaded down the stairs. He follows it up, higher, catching sight of her hands, her waist, until he finally arrives at her face. She smiles at him and her mouth is moving but he can’t seem to hear her. Why did that keep happening? It was very inconvenient.

“W-What?” he croaks out, immediately clearing his throat.

“I said you look very handsome,” she tells him with a warm, almost bashful sort of smile. 

He chuckles. “I…” his mouth hangs open, looking to her again, transfixed by the gown on her body. He can hardly comprehend it. She looked like a dream. His words fail him and he ends up just holding out his hand to her. When she takes it, Ben gasps at the contact slightly before he ducks to kiss her knuckles. 

“Rey,” he breathes out, recalling his earlier claim of true perfection to be her name. “You look…” he smiles as she comes to stand on the step before him, making them nearly the same height. Her face is several inches from his, their breath mingling in the middle. He reaches for her other hand, not breaking away from her eyes. He gives in and leans forward, softly kissing her on the lips, not caring if anyone lingering might see. “You are other-worldly after all,” he whispers to her. 

She blushes and it’s beautiful. 

“Alright, everyone. Dinner is nearly ready, let’s all head to the dining room!” Leia announces from further down.

“Hungry?” he asks her quietly, stepping aside and offering his arm.

“Always,” she says, looping her arm through his and her hand settles on his bicep. 

Together they descend the stairs and join the others in the dining room. Everyone looks to them as they enter and it’s an odd kind of feeling that surges through him. 

Everyone greets them with a smile and warm handshakes. Everyone came. Baze and Chirrut. Cassian and Jyn. Bodhi gives him a nod and a cheers from his glass from where he was standing next to Kaydel across the room. Everyone was dressed immaculately, and the room looked amazing. But he can tell their eyes wander to Rey. She was captivating. And his mother has a proud look on her face like she predicted this. 

They all move to the table and it’s not until then when Ben moves to pull out Rey’s chair that he sees the back of the dress. _Or rather the lack of it._ All the air from his lungs practically expels from his body as he takes in the smooth expanse of her back. He wants to reach out, but he stops himself, broken out of his haze as he hears Poe snort from beside him. An indication that Ben's shock had not been hidden from his countenance. 

He gets ahold of himself and takes his seat beside her. He looks to Rey with a sheepish smile. She was fucking amazing. 

_He loves her._

As everyone situates their plates and gets settled, he and Rey make friendly conversation with Jyn and Cassian across from them for a moment. He didn’t get to see them the other day when he went into town so they take a moment to say how happy they are to see him and they mention something about his height and build. Both of them were doctors in town and cared personally for nearly everyone at the table. 

“How’s the wrist, Ben?” Cassian asks with a smirk, referring to that one summer he sprained his wrist after falling down a hill when he and Rey were chasing Chewie.

“Ahh,” Ben smiles, rotating it once around. “Still clicks sometimes, but manageable.”

The couple smiles at them and Ben is about to ask a question of his own when there’s a sudden chime of a glass. The sound of an impending toast. Ben looks to the head of his table where his mother was standing. 

“I would just like to thank all of you for coming around to our home again. It’s so nice to see everyone again. This has been a difficult time but I love seeing all your lovely faces and I wanted to thank you all for your kindest and warmest wishes in the past several weeks.”

_She’s talking about dad._

“But, tonight, I don’t want to focus on the sad. I want to look to the future that I truly believe is brighter than any of us can comprehend. I know hope is hard in times like these but friends and family help us weather the storm. Hope is like the sun. If we only believe in it when we see it, we’ll never make it through the night.

“But if I may say, lately, for me, it’s been bright. Brighter than it has been in a long time. Because for the past week, we’ve had a familiar face return to us, even if he’s even taller than I thought he’d be,” she snarks and everyone laughs, looking to him with a grin. 

“But in all seriousness, Ben, I am just glad to see you home and I hope that no matter where you go from here, you know that you always have a place to belong. You are a very talented, smart, and a wonderful young man. I am very proud to be your mother and I love you very much,” she says, her voice croaking slightly but she smiles through it as she raises her glass. 

But Ben thinks he might be tearing up.

“So I just wanted to start off the evening with a toast. Not just to all of you and to everyone that helps make this such a lovely place to be in such a time of darkness, but to my son. To Ben.”

“To Ben,” everyone else repeats and it all seems like too much. Like it was all part of the dream. Maybe he was in a horrible accident on the way to the airport when he was in New York and he’s in a coma and all of this is a product of the medication. 

The only other time people have toasted to him was when he was forced to go along with Hux and the collectors by Snoke, saying that he needed to adapt to a certain “camaraderie” but they were mocking him about how pathetic they believed him to be. Ben told them he was going to the bathroom and he snuck out a window. 

He doesn’t feel like that now though. Now he looks to this room of kind people, to his mother, to Rey sitting beside him. 

She had a beautiful smile, raising her glass to him like everyone else and clinking it with everyone in reach. Ben does the same, blinking away his tears as he gives everyone a grin. He stands up then, looking to his mother with a grateful nod. 

“Thanks, mom. Thank you, everybody,” he says, knowing everyone was looking at him. “I uh...I forget what it’s like to feel so welcome in a place, surrounded by so many amazing people that I admire. 

“I was gone for a long time. Too long. I missed too much, I know that. But I feel better than I have in ages. Like my mother said,” he says, looking to her at the head of the table. “It’s been a really bright week and I am…” he chuckles to himself. “I am so glad that I came back. This means more to me than words can really express. I guess that’s my excuse because I’m horrible at speeches,” he smiles and everyone gives a soft laugh. “But if I were to say one thing, I want to convey just how much I love and admire all of this...and all of _you,_ ” he says, his eyes straying to the woman beside him. Her eyes are wide, almost glassy but she’s smiling up at him. “Thank you,” he says but it’s aimed directly to her.

There’s a hearty applause from everyone and more clinking of glasses as Ben sits back down. There’s a new cloud of conversation and laughter that resumes in the dining room as everyone starts to dig into their food. 

But all Ben can focus on is how Rey settles her palm on his leg. It’s reassuring. Almost as if she knew how scary that might have been for him. He places his hand on top of hers and she grins. It’s odd, how he feels. He’s not used to being so happy but that would explain a lot about how he’s been feeling. 

He decides that tonight, no matter what, he was going to tell Rey how much he loves her.

* * *

Dinner was delicious as always. Everyone was being lovely as always. Poe was drinking plenty and encouraging others to do the same as always. But it’s different. It all feels more vital now. Because now Ben was here and suddenly Rey feels like another side of her had been woken up.

She would never, ever wear something like this. It was impractical, she tries to tell herself. She knows that. 

But Rey, this new Rey, loves this dress. It made her feel... _beautiful_ which felt new. Even if Ahsoka, Maz, and of course Leia have told her many times they thought she was beautiful, it was different coming from Ben. 

Over a week ago, if she had put this dress on, she might have felt silly. Like a little girl in a gown for a grown woman. She’s always felt in an odd place with herself. She had to grow up really fast when she was by herself, trying to survive. But there are parts of her that seem youthful, childish. 

She doesn’t feel childish now though. 

They had all fanned out from the dining room, most of them to the big room where the music was playing. People were dancing while others stood to the side and told stories. Rey was usually better at this, the socializing part of it all, but she felt distracted this evening. 

She was busy watching _him._

Ben was a little occupied talking to Bodhi and Baze across the room. She wanted to join him but she felt stuck. Kaydel, Rose, and Paige had come by several minutes ago, trying to giving her more champagne but she declined. They told her again how amazing they thought she looked and how Ben was clearly amazed by it. She shook her head and told them to, lovingly, shut up.

She made friendly chat with those that came by, complimented her dress, or complimented her on the flowers and upkeep as they drove in. 

She put on a smile and tried to pretend like her head wasn’t spinning and that she wasn’t acutely focused on how she could hear his voice if she focused hard enough. 

_Stop doing that. That’s creepy,_ she snaps at herself. 

She shakes her head, deciding she was in need of a little space. She heads for the washroom but it’s occupied. She could easily go find another one but then she sees Beebee and Dio sitting near the door.

They’re waiting to be let out. Smiling to the small pups, she steps forward to accompany them. She really needed some air anyway so she could make sorts of all of this because certainly, she was going mad. Maybe it was Rose and Leia and everyone else, trying to turn this into a big, flashy affair that frightened her. 

She knew she didn't have to be afraid. Ben told her she didn't have to be and she trusted him. But for some reason, the butterflies in her stomach were fluttering more than earlier. Maybe it's because she's thinking about it too much. If she gave in and was partying as well as the others she might have been distracted from her nerves. But she returned to the outdoors, taking in a lung full of air and throwing a stick for the puppies to chase. 

She knows she can't resist once she sees him again. She will tell him how she feels. She will tell Ben she loves him. 

Once the butterflies settle down, she chuckles to herself.

* * *

As kind as they all were, Ben was dying for a way out of the conversation. Or at least for Rey to intervene and join.

He nearly gets away, trying to find her again. She was hard to lose tonight and he certainly didn’t plan on it. He slips from the main commotion of the room which was easy considering most people were busy talking, dancing, or drinking. Poe managed to do all three at once.

Ben walked out, setting his own drink down on a table, not really looking to get drunk tonight. He wanted a clear head. He peruses the halls briefly before he notices the front door is wide open. With a hunch in his gut, he steps out into the night air. It’s cooler than earlier but still comfortable. 

He feels much warmer though when he looks down the steps to see the form of her again. The expanse of her smooth back, accentuated by those thin little straps. It really was maddening.

She's sitting on the bottom step, watching the little dogs running out on the grass. He tries to be subtle as he descends the stairs but his heavy steps betray him and she looks over her shoulder at him. It's like the world stops for a moment as they meet eyes. It's just the two of them again and everything was perfect. She is illuminated by the light from the house windows. She looks as if she’s glowing and he thinks if he wasn’t already in love with her by now, this would definitely convince him. 

“Sorry, the dogs had to go out,” she tells him.

“No, it’s alright. I needed a little air,” he says, coming to sit beside her.

“Not a big party person?”

He chuckles. “Not usually, no. Although this is much nicer, I have to admit," he nods back up to the house. "Very personal. Light-hearted. Good people.”

She gives a thoughtful nod but Ben wonders if she’s alright. He should have asked her to dance at the first chance he had, but he’s a miserable dancer and before he could talk himself into it, he got pulled into conversation. 

But now they were together again, and the music, although muffled, drifted into the night air. He knew better than to let the chance pass him by. 

“Would you like to dance?” he asks her softly.

She smiles. “Of course. When the dogs are done running around we can–”

“No, I meant here," he says, standing back up.

“Here?” she laughs.

“Yeah,” offering her his hand, to help her up but also in invitation. “Where we can be alone and no one can see what a hopeless wreck I am at dancing.”

Rey chuckles. “Very well,” she says, taking his hand. He pulls her up and then guides her out further into the grass and it’s then that he notices her shoes on the steps. She was barefoot. He doesn’t know why that amuses him so much but it does. I was never much of a dancer either, so I won't judge."

She steps into him, the distant music slow. The words impossible to make out but Ben rather likes the tune. Rey’s arms wrap around him then, getting in the proper form for a dance. He chuckles, doing the same before they gently start to sway. His hand is settled on her back and when his thumb brushes over her spine she gives a soft laugh, more of an exhale with a smile but he cherishes it nonetheless. 

“You look so beautiful,” he tells her. He notices then the little stars in her hair, sparkling as they catch the light of the windows. It matched the twinkle in her eyes and he loved it. Although his mind does tend to wander back to the dress.

“Where did you get this dress?”

“Your mother.”

He chuckles. His mother wasn’t being subtle but he didn’t even mind. His mind thinks back to the conversation with Leia when he first arrived. A week ago he thought himself incapable of desire. He feels so foolish to think that now. Now he’s uncertain if anyone has ever felt the desire, the passion, the _love_ he now has. All for this woman in his arms.

“I liked your toast earlier,” she says into his chest. 

He gives a shrug. “I liked my mom’s better. She’s meant for those kinds of things. _Me?_ The last time I talked in front of that many people was in a large staff meeting and one of my co-workers, Hux, got everyone to cough until I gave up and sat down.”

“That’s horrible,” Rey says looking up at him again, that little pinch between her brows. “Why would they treat you like that?”

“Because I’m me,” he says as if it’s obvious. Rey’s face sinks a bit, disappointed with his answer. “I don’t feel like that here though,” he assures her. “I guess that’s what I was trying to say earlier, at the table.”

“I know,” she breathes out. “I told you I liked it. I like to know that coming here has made you feel at home. I think you deserve that. To know that people care for you...that people love you.” Their swaying stops then and her hands come up for his face.

“And Ben...I’ve been here for a while now. I’ve been living here with my friends and the family that I found for myself. And I should have been perfectly happy. And at times, I was, but it's been hard. But then you came back and I know exactly what you’re saying. Because I feel it too.”

He could cry, her words make him so happy. His hands hold fast to her waist. His heart starts to beat faster in his chest. His forehead lowers to hers. 

This is the moment. He can feel it just as she does.

“Rey,” he says but it’s hardly audible. “You have no idea–”

Suddenly the dogs are barking though, interrupting him. Ben hears the distinct sound of a small car approaching. They turn to see a pair of headlights coming up and Rey calls the dogs over quickly, not wanting them to get hurt. Ben winces inwardly, annoyed at the interruption but wonders if it was another person that had been invited so he tries not to let it bother him too much.

They walk a little closer, hand-in-hand as the car parks and the headlights fade. A man steps out of the vehicle but Ben doesn’t recognize the man and he looks to Rey but she doesn’t seem to place him either. He comes up before them, looking very official and busy minded like he hasn’t totally acknowledged them yet. 

“Good evening,” Ben says. “Can I help you?”

The man has a scowl on his face, disregarding the kind greeting. “Is there a Benjamin Solo at this residence?”

Ben blinks, nearly scoffing at the use of his full name. “Uh, yeah. I'm Ben Solo.”

The man gives a sigh of relief. “Finally. Sir, we have been looking all over the countryside for you,” he says, moving back for the car, grabbing something before returning with a hat and an envelope in his hands. 

He was a telegram messenger. 

“This is for you, Mr. Solo. A very urgent matter. I wouldn’t be surprised if the other telegrams intended for you started to show up.”

“Other telegrams?” Ben asks, taking the envelope from him.

“Yes. All from America. New York.”

Ben’s heart drops into his stomach. He wants to return the telegram, reject that Ben was his name and this wasn’t meant for him because he might as well know what it already says. 

The young man gives them an unenthusiastic farewell as he reverses the car and speeds away until it’s just the two of them and the two little dogs by their feet. 

“Ben, what is it?” Rey asks softly. 

He can’t open it. If he opens it, the dream will be over. If he really was in a coma this is what wakes him up from the serenity of Chandrila and the beautiful girl in the silky green gown beside him. 

“It’s from New York,” he says, his voice deflated from what it was at a moment ago. He looks down to the envelope in disdain.

They must be standing there for a long moment because Rey takes hold of his arm. “Would you like me to open it?”

“No,” he says quickly. If this was written by anyone at the First Order he didn’t want her to read it in case it was crass. Hux was the kind of person that would send a telegram overseas with an immature message in it. Just to piss him off. 

“It’s alright. I got it,” he says more gently, opening it and bringing it closer to his face so he can make out the words with the dim light of the windows from the house. 

It was brief, direct, and exactly what Ben should have expected. 

_Call me immediately._

_–Snoke_

“Fuck,” he breathes out. That’s it. It’s all over. Just a handful of words was all it took to shatter this beautiful day into pieces. 

“What is it?"

He reads the words over again, hoping his first try was wrong. He doesn't even hear her question, his mind sinking.

"Ben, talk to me. Please,” Rey says, trying to step in front of him to get his attention. 

“It’s uh…” he shakes his head, unsure what to say. Her eyes are flooded with worry as she looks up at him. He wants to go back to just a few minutes ago when it seemed like the world could have just been them and he could tell her how he feels. When his forehead rested against hers and New York might as well have been a different planet. He was untouchable. But now, fate seems to have reminded him where he is supposed to be.

_How could I be so stupid?_

“I have to go make a phone call,” he says quickly, turning back for the house, she calls after him but he doesn't answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
> Not gonna lie, I probably think about this dress^ every day (unhealthy, I know) but I love it so much. So much in fact that I put a whole fancy party scene in the story just so Rey could wear it. 
> 
> I'm sorry about this ending, haha. Snoke sucks. Next chapter I push the long-distance calling capabilities of the 1930s. Stay tuned.


	9. Choices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did someone say angst?

Ben had been on the phone for over twenty minutes now, speaking to several different operators as they tried to help him transfer his call. England to New York was no small distance and this call would cost a fortune. He would have to pay his mother back. 

His stomach is in knots as he tries to speculate what Snoke will say. The man was probably still at his desk, Ben thinks. There was a five hour time difference between here and New York. 

Ben paced in the library, his hand and cheek sweaty as he held the phone to his ear. 

The party was still in full swing in the other room so his current situation wasn’t common knowledge. Only Rey knew and he wonders if she’s the shadow that seems to be pacing just outside the door. He wants to walk over, let her in, tell her everything that scares him but he knows he won’t. He froze outside before making a run for it. 

No matter where he goes, he fucks up.

But then suddenly there are a few clicks on the phone and Ben stands straight, plummeting back down for the chair in case he had to take notes. When it finally clears, a familiar voice comes through. “First Order, Manhattan. How can I help you?”

“Mitaka, it’s Ben.”

“Ben! Christ, man. We’ve been trying to get ahold of you for days.”

“Days?”

He hears Mitaka wince. “Yeah. Busy times. You want to talk to Snoke?”

_I don’t want to. I have no choice._

“Yeah, if you could patch me through.”

Mitaka gives a sigh. “Well, good luck,” he says rather ominously before the line goes quiet again. 

Ben nervously clears his throat, pulling on his tie and loosening his collar. He wasn’t ready for this but he had no choice.

The line picks up and for the first time in a week, he hears Anthony Snoke’s voice and it gives him the chills. 

“Solo?”

“Y-Yes, sir. I’m here.”

“Well, it’s awfully nice for you to finally return my messages," the man says aggressively. "Where in the fuck in England are you? I sent out several telegrams and tried to get ahold of you through phone but nobody knew where in the hell you were.”

“Apologies, sir. I’m staying at an old family home. It’s a little reserved.” Snoke makes a noise of disproval and Ben clears his throat nervously again. “Is there a problem, sir?”

“What the fuck do you think?”

“Of course. I meant,” Ben shakes his head at himself, “What is the problem, sir?”

“Yoy need to return immediately. Due to some scheduling conflicts, the meeting with Tyraneous has been moved up.”

“How could they do that?” Ben asks, pulling at his hair. 

“It doesn’t matter. It’s done so quit your whining and get on the earliest flight back.”

“You said–" Ben stops himself before he could try to lay any blame. ht would be unforgivable. He clears his throat. "I was planning to stay for the rest of the week.”

“And I was planning for Tyraneous to show up at the end of the month but they showed up now! Plans get fucked up. We adapt and overcome! That’s why our business flourishes while everyone else sinks further into the Depression! This isn’t time for you to be whining about your fucking vacation!”

“I don’t–”

“When can you leave?” Snoke interrupts.

Ben knows that if he were strong, this is when he would speak his mind. Tell Snoke that, _No, you gave me two weeks so I’m taking two weeks_ , but Ben always seems to revert back to a scolded child in his presence or in this case, just by his voice. His head sinks as he realizes now is no different. “I’m not sure yet. I will call the airfield when we’re done talking and get the next available flight.”

“Good, now you’re making sense.”

The piece of paper he was going to take notes on is now in shreds as he had torn it up, his hands nervously fiddling. Ripping something apart when everything seemed to be out of his control. 

“I know you think me cruel but believe me, boy, I’m kinder than most. Most people in my position wouldn’t have let you go on vacation anyway so don’t be cross with me.”

Once again, Snoke manages to try to convince people that they should be grateful for how shitty he treats them. 

“Of course not, sir. I’m glad for the time I got,” Ben says, his stomach hurting at the words he says. Everything feels wrong. But he has no choice now. “I’m going to call the airfields now. Hopefully, I’ll be able to depart soon.”

“You better!” Snoke says before hanging up in him immediately. Ben sits there for a few seconds, wishing none of that conversation happened but it did so he slams the phone back down and curses. 

“Fucking hell.”

He leans over his elbows, his hands tangled in his hair. Instantly, he craves Rey’s company, thinking it could be the only thing to calm him down. He stands up, heading for the door, prepared to let her in and take her in his arms. But he stops halfway.

He was leaving. And if he was leaving, that means whatever they share, wherever it might have gone, was really just a dream after all. 

This isn’t fair. The thought of leaving her now seemed so painful. His chest ached.

He tries to distract himself by finding the number for the airfields again and finding out when the soonest flight to New York would be.

“Hosnian Prime Air,” a man says on the phone. Ben doesn’t even hear the greeting as he’s so trapped in his own thoughts. “Hello? This is Hosnian Prime Air.”

“Oh, uh, sorry,” he says, his throat feeling raw, like he could cry but he holds it back, talking to the stranger on the phone. “I was calling to ask if you have any commercial flights to New York within the next day or so.”

“We’ve got one leaving at five in the morning, sir. Could I put you down for a ticket?”

“Uh, five in the morning?” That seems too soon. This wasn’t what he wanted. But he doesn’t have a choice. Snoke was not a patient man and he’s already pissed off because apparently, he’s been trying to contact Ben all this time. “You know, if it’s fairly open then I will just get one later.”

“Should be fine. Only a quarter of the seats are filled at this time.”

“Alright, well thank you,” Ben croaks out.

“Course, sir. See you soon.”

Ben hangs up the phone. “Fuck,” he says again, covering his face with his hand. Leaning over onto the desk. 

“You’re leaving then.”

Ben gasps, spinning around to see Rey standing there across from him. His mouth goes dry. He doesn’t know how much she heard but he can tell from her face that it had been enough. 

“Rey…” he breathes out pathetically. 

“In the morning. You’re leaving.” This time it wasn’t a question. She sounds so hurt and it could break him in half it’s so solemn.

“I...I have to–” He shakes his head. “My boss is…” he can’t seem to explain it. “There’s kind of an emergency at work and I have to go back. It’s...I wish it was different but–”

“No, I...I understand,” she says, her eyes looking down to her hands where she’s fiddling with her shoes she was carrying. “You don’t have to explain anything,” she says, forcing a smile. It makes him want to crumble.

“Rey, I–”

_Rey what? I love you?_

That seemed too cruel, even as the words were bursting at his seams, dying to let her know. Because now he was leaving, and as unfair as all of this was, it seemed especially unfair to her. To leave her with such words when they couldn’t actually be together. 

She seems to be waiting, as if she’s waiting to see if he would say it anyway. Like she’s risking the pain if it means they could say this to each other and that strikes him like a blow to the chest. He doesn’t know why he could think that he could have this. Just a few minutes talking to Snoke made him realize he couldn’t stay in a place like this. He couldn’t subject Rey to anything further. It was irresponsible for him to give in at all when he was only going to be here for two weeks. At this point, did it matter that he was leaving now or in a week when he could have done so much more damage by then? 

To think he is capable of hurting her is too frightening. He thinks it not worth the risk of being with her because he would not be able to live with himself if he hurts her any more than he already is, with her standing where she is with her heart in her eyes. As if she had every intention of giving it to him less than an hour ago. 

He would give her everything, but that was preposterous, he knows. So, maybe the most he can give her is the assurance that the time he was here was easily, the best of his life, and were he a better man, maybe he would be worthy of this life. Maybe he could convince himself of going a different path but Snoke was right. As always.

He belonged in the First Order. In Manhattan. 

Rey belonged here. She belonged with her friends and this family she has made for herself and to one day find somebody who was worthy of this life and worthy of her love. Of which he could never be. 

“I’m sorry, Rey. But maybe...maybe this is for the best,” he says deeply, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “I...I hope you know that this was truly an amazing experience and–”

“‘Experience?’” she breathes out, disappointment evident in her voice, as faint as it was. 

“And I...I’m just grateful that I got to–”

Rey holds up her hand, a request for him to stop talking. “Please, just stop,” she says and tears roll over her cheeks. 

_Wrong. This is all wrong._

He can feel it, but he doesn’t think he’s strong enough to stop it. 

“I guess…” Rey starts, unable to even look at him anymore. 

_Rey, I’m sorry._

“I guess that’s it then.”

_I love you._

“Goodbye, Ben.”

_I love you so much._

If only she could hear his thoughts. It would be so much easier. But instead, he just steps forward, attempting to close the tense and painful distance. But she instantly takes a step closer for the door. When his mouth opens, she doesn’t seem interested in hearing what he might say, hurt enough by his earlier remarks. So she flees the library altogether and he stands there like a fool, suddenly paralyzed below the waist as his legs won’t chase after her like his brain envisions he could do. 

But that Ben, the one in a daydream, wasn’t the same person he actually was. He wasn’t meant for that, he knows. He wasn’t that lucky. That brave. That Ben. He never was the right Ben. Ever since he was young, he’s been fucking up. Why would now, in the face of the girl he loved, be any different.

The Ben Solo he is, is a coward. That’s why he always runs. That’s why he’s always alone. And it explains how he could manage to have a love so fucking pure and beautiful and run it into the ground. Only a true idiot would fuck that up. 

And if he didn’t fuck it up now, he inevitably would have.

So, it _was_ for the best. 

But why did the ‘best’ make his knees buckle until he slumps to the ground in a pained heap of limbs and sob out into the room?

Why did it make him feel like his chest was being blown open?

* * *

_Maybe this is for the best._

Ben’s words echo back through her head again, making her sob harder as she slams the door behind her, pacing back in forth of the fireplace in her own home. 

Why did she let herself get so drawn in? Why did she let herself fall so hard? She should have known.

Everyone she loves leaves her.

Sometimes they don’t mean to. Like Ahsoka. Or Mon, or Han, or Chewie. 

Sometimes they do. Like her parents. She didn’t want Ben to be like that but it seemed he was. 

She curses herself, wondering what she expected in the first place. From the moment he arrived, Ben was destined to leave. But she had ignored it, preferring to live in the moment and just revel in presence of him as it was more than she ever dreamed for herself. 

Had she been so ignorant to it that she let herself get deluded enough to believe that Ben would actually stay? Just because that’s what his mother wanted, or what Rey desperately wanted, it wasn’t what he wanted. She had even tried to warn herself with that. She tried not to get her hopes up as she knew there was plenty she could not control. Clearly her hopes got away from her. 

But the way Ben spoke...why did he lead her to believe in the hope of his love. Why did she hope so badly that he would stay? Why would he stay for her? She was a child. A child in a costume. Trying to be someone she’s not. 

Wiping at her tears she storms into her bedroom, peeling off the straps of the dress and letting it fall to the ground. She doesn’t want to look at her reflection so she quickly grabs her cream color slip and her robe, pulling it around her tightly, as if she could keep out the bad thoughts the more secure she felt, wrapping her own arms around her. 

_I hope you know that this was truly an amazing experience._

Is that what he really believed? She wouldn’t think so. But whatever was in that telegram, and whatever his boss said to him...clearly it made Ben think he had to believe it. She was just a brief interest. A fleeting slip of control. Something ephemeral and disposable that could be reduced down to an " _experience_."

She had wanted to give him everything she had to offer and he would have thought it an experience. 

But Ben couldn't possibly want her to feel like this? She had trusted him. The Ben she knew wouldn't talk like that. He wouldn't leave like this. She's confided in him her fears and her emotions. She never thought ill of him, even that one summer when she was waiting and waiting but he never came and Ahoska told her it was going to be different that year. She had just hoped he was alright. 

_He left before though, hadn't he? He was gone for years. Perhaps you gave in too easily,_ her pessimistic thoughts taunt her. Was he taking advantage of her ability to forgive? That ten years from now he could waltz in once more for a few days and pretend like nothing had changed?

As she curls into herself, she's not sure if she's more upset that he broke her heart or because she loves him for reminding her she had one. Her head was pounding.

* * *

Ben had no idea what time it was by this point. His watch was still upstairs. He just knows that the sounds of the party haven’t ceased. If anything they’ve gotten wilder.

He pulls himself up from where he was hunched up against the desk, wiping his eyes. He looks to the clock by the lamp. It was past two in the morning and everyone was still going strong. 

And the plane leaves at five, he reminds himself. 

He had to move. 

For the past few hours, he’s been alone, crying to himself. Hating himself for how he was to Rey. Of all the things he wanted to tell her tonight, those were never in his mind. And yet he said them. He hurt her and now, even if he could stay...he’s broken the beautiful connection they shared. 

He’s broken the only connection he’s ever had...for the First fucking Order. Clearly there was something severely wrong with him.

Wiping his face again, annoyed at how many tears he was capable of, he makes for the door where she left him, now hours ago.

He looks through the hallway as if he was about to cross a street, not wanting to attract the attention of anyone. It was wrong, he knows. After all these people had been so welcoming and kind, to leave with hardly any notice on the same night as the party they might as well seemed to have thrown for his sake. But he’s already disgusted with himself enough to let it happen. He heads back upstairs. He looks further down the hall, to where his mother’s room is. He wonders if she’s retired yet and he has half a mind to go and tell her the news. But he doesn’t think he trusts himself to break her heart too. Perhaps he will write her a note instead. It was a cowardly thing to do...but he was quite decidedly, a coward.

Ben turns for his room, stepping in with his head heavy on his shoulders. 

He looks out the window. It was dark but he could hear the light patter of rain. 

He wonders where she’s gone. She didn’t return to the party, he knows, because someone would have noticed her upset and Maz probably would have found him in the library to scold him.

So she must have gone back down to her house. 

He yanks off his tie as well as his jacket and his waistcoat. All seemed to be suffocating him, but even then his breathing feels short like he could start sobbing once more. Trying to distract himself he moves for the closet to pull out his suitcase, in pursuit of packing. 

But as he does, he finds himself frozen, staring into the small, dark space with a heavy heart. 

It was here, right where he was standing, that he first saw her. When she was just a small child. She had been curled up right where his suitcase was set. She had been tiny and filthy and shaking with fear as she realized she had been discovered. 

And now, after finally coming home, after finding her again, falling in love with her, he’s leaving her in the dark. It’s like if he had decided to close the door on young and terrified Rey and pretend he didn’t even see her, unsure what she was eating or where she was sleeping. 

What did Rey look like in this moment? Would she look as frightened of him as she did that day he found her here? Would she scream at him? Tell him she hates him? All would be more sensible in comparison to how he treated her downstairs. 

_Maybe this is for the best,_ he recalls his voice saying, although the mental process that allowed it seems distant and foggy. 

How could he?

But then, suddenly a knock at the door breaks through his thoughts and he holds his breath, thinking he imagined it. But it sounds out again and instantly, ben rushes for the door, hoping it was her.

“Rey?” he opens the door.

“Not quite.”

“Oh,” Ben’s chest deflates and he quickly wipes his eyes as he sees who has come. _It’s Chirrut._ “Chirrut. How are you?” His inquiry is shaky and unconvincing and the blind man knows it. 

He gives a soft chuckle but no smile. “Young Ben, may I come in?"

"Yeah, sure," he steps aside so Chirrut could enter. 

"You’re troubled,” the man says, walking past him, blunt as ever.

“I know,” he says dryly. “I...well, unfortunately, I have to leave back for New York and–”

“And your plane leaves at five. Only a few hours from now,” Chirrut says, stepping past Ben with his arms behind his back, allowing himself in. Ben stares after him, confused. How did he know?

“Yeah...did Rey tell you?” he asks, desperate to know anything about her.

“No. Very little is ever told to me. I just see better than others can.”

“You could see that I have a flight a five?”

Chirrut was always a little odd. Although blind, he seemed to possess a different kind of sight. And it came with a significant amount of wisdom that he was eager to bestow unto others. 

Chirrut ignores Ben’s question, stepping over to the window, his hands still held at his back. Ben had seen other blind people before but none were like Chirrut. He seemed to be familiar with every space. He didn’t carry a cane or anything. At Baze’s bakery, he’s done the same job for years. His actions so well practiced that lack of sight doesn’t affect his work in the slightest. Ben had tremendous respect for him, even though they hardly talked, even when he was a child. So why he is here now was still baffling. And how he seems privy to his own personal crisis was beyond him. 

“I was eavesdropping, as people call it. Forgive me for imposing but I could hear you from the washroom." Chirrut's hearing was extremely sensitive. TO him the gentle raindrops on the window were thunderous. "That’s how I heard of your flight...as well as the words you said to young Rey. I suppose I would have come into the library to confront but I assumed you were busy thinking. I see now you didn't use your solitude wisely,” he says, looking to the suitcase.

Ben groans to himself, slumping to the foot of his bed. “I fucked up.”

“Yes,” Chirrut agrees. 

“I was wrong. My mother was wrong. I don’t belong here.” He ruins everything he touches. 

Chirrut laughs at that. “What makes you so certain of everything?”

Ben doesn’t answer. He just looks down at the floorboards and his shoes, envying objects with an existence so much simpler than his own. 

“I love my job,” the blind man says, to the window. “Simple to most, but filled with purpose. Sure it may be bread, pastries, cookies, but to me it is meaningful. It is how I can connect with people. It’s how I feel ready to rest at night, knowing I put in my full day’s work. What money I make is of little consequence to me. I don’t need much to feel content. What I prefer is what cannot be bought.”

Ben rolls up his sleeves, listening to the man’s words, wishing he knew such a life. But then his next words are a question.

“Do you like your work?” Chirrut asks. 

Ben is quiet for a long moment. He remembers Rey asking him something similar that first morning before the sunrise. 

But with Chirrut, he knows he’s always trying to make a point. Because Chirrut already knows the answer. 

“No. But most people don’t like their jobs.”

This comes as no surprise to his guest. “But most people have no choice. People that dig ditches don’t do it because they want to. It's to support their families. People that wait for hours in line for the soup kitchen aren’t there because they are bored with the other restaurants in the area. It’s because they are starving.”

“I know,” Ben says, guilt ripping through him as he recalls the one soup kitchen that Snoke had closed down because they were late on their rent.

“You, a young wealthy man, are not like those people. You have the privilege of a choice in our world.”

“It doesn’t feel like I do. My boss is...it’s all suffocating.”

“Is that why you return to him and not to her?”

“What?”

“You would rather continue your business among people you hate, in a job you disagree with, hurting those who have few choices, all for a man who has no regard for anything but himself...or would you rather answer the call of your heart?”

“I...Chirrut–” Ben tries to gather himself. 

“At dinner, I could tell. Anyone paying attention would notice,” Chirrut says simply, facing him again. “You love her very much. Young Rey.” 

Ben’s head falls again. It was rather obvious, wasn’t it? Even the blind man noticed. 

“Yes,” Ben admits. “I love her, but–”

“But now you’re leaving, so you think it wise to ignore your feelings, return to who you were in New York. To you, that’s easier than being vulnerable and afraid so you chalk it up to that and give her the cause to curse your name. As if you found a way to reason with yourself you are doing her a kindness. To leave her behind because you think she's better off without you.”

“I don’t have a choice,” Ben says tensely, annoyed that he can be dissected so quickly.

Chirrut chuckles again. “No?”

“No, I–” Ben starts but has no follow up. 

“You know you have a choice. A man such as yourself has more choices than most in this world and yet you are ignorant of it. If you can be honest with yourself, with your true choices, then maybe it will help you make them.”

“I don’t know what you’re–”

“What are your choices, Ben!?” Chirrut says louder, talking over Ben a little and making him flinch.

Ben grits his teeth. “I go back to New York!” he shouts back.

“Or?” Chirrut prompts. 

“Or…” his throat feels raw as he understands. “Or I stay and be with her.”

“Well done, Ben,” Chirrut says with a smile. “Surely, now that you know the choices, the decision won’t be as hard.”

“It’s not that simple,” Ben says, shaking his head. “Snoke, my boss, he would never allow it. If I don’t go back he’ll go ballistic.”

“If you are no longer his employee, why do you care what he feels? Especially when he likely has little regard for how you feel?”

“Because what I want doesn’t matter!” Ben cries, “And even if it did, it’s too late, I fucked up and she hates me!”

“Is that what you believe, or is that what you tell yourself?”

Ben shakes his head, tired of these questions. It hurt to think that he could choose to stay when he knew that the love he had hours ago was long gone. “Don’t mock me. I hurt her and whatever we had, it’s over now. I ruined it and I won’t risk hurting her again.”

“If you love her as much as you say you do, and she loves you in return, isn’t trying worth the risk? Isn’t it worth taking that chance? What is your excuse? It may upset your boss?” Chirrut scoffs. “In case the Earth itself was made of gold, then your boss with forever remain upset and nothing you can do will change it.”

Ben stares at the man in shock. In his heart, he knows he is right. No matter what, no matter what Ben devotes to Snoke, it will never be enough. He will never be like the others, he will never agree with the morals of the First Order. And yet he lived his life subscribing to them because he had gotten so used to it. So much so that he was prepared to abandon this beautiful life he has here and hurt Rey in the process.

What the fuck was wrong with him? How could he think he was sensible in the slightest. 

And even if he’s lost Rey, if he’s hurt her beyond reconciliation, he could try to be better. For her, for his mother, for himself. He could build a better life of honesty and good instead of giving into the bad and corrupt. Just because it’s all he knew didn’t mean he couldn’t change. He could actually set out to be who wanted to be. Fuck he was so stupid. He had even resolved to start making his own choices after he arrived here and still he lit Snoke drag him back in. But not anymore. That was over now.

Chirrut is right. He could try. Ben had a privilege most don’t and to not seize it when he could would be foolish. 

_He knows what he has to do._

Ben springs to his feet, his hands shaking with purpose but unsure what to do first. 

“Have you made your choice?” Chirrut asks.

“I...I have to go to her.”

Chirrut chuckles. “And your flight?”

“I’m not going,” he says in a sharp breath, pacing in the space before his bed.

“And your boss?” Chirrut asks next as if he was a teacher, quizzing a student to see if the lesson has stuck. 

“Fuck Snoke.” That seems so obvious now. Why did that take him so long? Why did it take someone else to point it out to him for him to realize? Purpose floods him. Fear and relief mixing as he’s terrified of how close he came to leaving it all behind.

“Well put,” Chirrut smiles. 

“I have to go to her,” Ben says again, marching back for the door. 

“I know. Best of luck to you, young Ben. Your path is clear.”

“Thank you, Chirrut,” he says sincerely.

With that Ben bursts out of his room and runs down the stairs. He blows past the remaining partygoers, hearing a few drunken greetings as he flies by but he ignores them. Quickly, he flees out the front door and into the night.

The rain crashes against his face as he strides back down the road to the familiar little house where she was.

_Rey._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't like to make angst last too long because I can't handle it...so guess what we have next chapter?
> 
> I really like how Chirrut seemed like the kind of guy that knows your problem before you do, so I made him talk some sense into the soft idiot boy.


	10. Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He runs to her house in the rain to tell her he loves her...what do you think is going to happen?
> 
> As usual, not my favorite but I’m just gonna post it. YEET!

Rey had stopped crying a while ago, but she sat on the edge of her bed, staring at nothing, feeling kind of numb. 

She looked to the clock on her nightstand. It was late...or early. Either way, Ben would probably be leaving soon. She thought about watching out her window for a taxi, in case he had called for one. She could see him one last time and...and what?

He made it clear that whatever they shared was meant to dissipate the moment he left. Sniffling a little, she tries not to think about it again, focusing instead on the sound of the rain. 

But suddenly there’s a loud thundering noise that makes her jolt. Only it isn’t thunder.

It was coming from her front door.

She covers her frantic heart with her hand, wondering who in the hell would try to visit at this hour in the rain. She would have heard a car drive past her house. 

Moving to her feet, she makes her way down her hall, frightened by the forceful knocks but she stops once she’s about six feet away as she hears them call out. 

“Rey? Rey, it’s me.”

_It’s Ben._

Her breath catches in her throat. 

She almost decides not to move at all. To just stay where she is in her attempt to protect herself. She’s not sure she wants to let him in, unsure what further pain she could handle. She’s not sure she could see him again, knowing it would be the last time. She feels so embarrassed now for how she feels for him. For how she acted. For how she kissed him and shared so much of herself when he was always going to leave. She shakes her head at herself, feeling stupid again.

But then…

“Please, Rey. I just want to talk,” he croaks out from outside.

Swallowing her pride, she knows she can’t hold back. She doesn’t care if it hurts. She loves him and she wants to see his face one last time.

She steps over to the door, unlocking it and slowly pulling it open to reveal him standing there, getting soaked in the rain.

“Rey…” he breathes and she practically shivers. 

“What are you doing here?” she asks him, looking away from his eyes. His eyes that she couldn’t tell were flooded with tears or if it was just from the rain. 

“I need to talk to you,” he tells her, his voice shakier than she’s ever heard from him. 

She knows she can’t just leave him there so she opens the door wider so that he could step inside. He does and when he lumbers past her, she grits her teeth hoping it would keep her from crying.

“Thank you,” he breathes out, dripping on the floor. “I’m sorry to wake you.”

“I wasn’t sleeping,” she tells him, crossing her arms and moving to the bathroom.

“Why not?”

“Why do you think?” she snaps back, throwing him a towel to dry off a bit. She moves past him but his hand snags her wrist. 

She sees him swallow, looking remorseful. “I know. But please, Rey, let me explain.”

“You already did,” she tells him, pulling her arm free, not sure where she was going but that she wanted to get away from him. “Besides, you should hurry. You’ll miss your plane and I doubt they’ll let you on looking like that.”

“I’m not going,” he tells her suddenly. 

“Oh, did they postpone it because of the storm?” Rey asks, sounding petulant. 

“No, I...Rey, I was wrong. I’m not going at all.”

“What are you talking about?” she throws back from the kitchen. She was filling up a kettle with water. Not that Rey particularly wanted tea but she had to do something to busy herself...a distraction. She didn’t trust herself not to fall apart if she really looked at him. 

It fails horribly as he comes up behind her, gently taking hold of her arm. “Rey, I don’t want to go back to New York…I want to stay.”

She turns the faucet off at his words, going very still at what he was saying. What exactly was he saying?

Slowly she turns around to face him. His hair a wild mess from where he had tried to dry it with the towel. It was sticking out in all directions. Earlier today that would have made her laugh as she pressed to her toes to fix it for him. 

Now she just feels the longing to do so burn away at her. 

“You’re...you’re going to stay here?”

He nods frantically, chancing a step closer to her. She allows it. 

She’s too busy thinking back to everything he mentioned earlier. “What about work? Your boss?”

“I’m quitting. I fucking hated it and my boss is an asshole.”

She might have found his profanity amusing if she wasn’t so distracted with what he was actually saying.

“You...You’re not going back at all?”

“Rey,” he holds out his hands like he wants to take hold of her but he refrains. Probably because she pulled away from him the last time. “I...I was so stupid. I always wanted to stay. I thought I had no choice but to leave though.” He shakes his head at himself, running the towel over his hair slightly, but keeping his face clear to her. “I’ve been so blind, trapped in that job that I absolutely hate. It was suffocating and the people I work with are horrible. They have no regard for others. And I knew that too, but I just...I just let it happen.”

He looks down at the towel in his hands for a moment. “I don’t want to be like that anymore,” he confesses in a quiet voice. “I want to take responsibility for myself. And I’ve wanted that for a long time; the freedom to just walk away from it all. Because there were a lot of reasons why I wanted to leave it all behind and just pursue something else but I never seemed to care enough to actually do something about it. I thought I was different but I was no better than them all along because I ignored it instead of changing,” his voice cracks a little.

Rey’s shoulders fall as she sees just how difficult this has been for him. Just how long these words and thoughts have been plaguing him. “Ben?” 

His lip trembled and his eyes well with tears. “But then I came back here and it makes me want to be good, more than ever. I want to be better because there are so many more reasons to be than I ever could have realized.”

He gives a sharp inhale like he’s trying to catch his breath as he looks directly into her eyes. “And the truth is that I never seemed to notice just how many reasons there really were until I fell in love with you.”

 _Until I fell in love with you,_ the words echo through her head forever. It was dreamlike and for a moment she wonders if she had fallen asleep earlier and that’s all this was. 

But after a long moment, she’s still standing there with him. And it seems too real. 

“What?” her own tears start to fall and her knees nearly give out. It was more than she could have hoped for. It was all she wanted to tell him all evening before the man came with the telegram. But now Ben was here instead and he was saying it first. 

“Rey, I love you,” he breathes out, chuckling softly even though he was still crying.

“Y-You do?”

His hands come up to cup her cheeks. “I’m so sorry for hurting you or for making you think I was pushing what we had away. I’m so stupid sometimes but I...I told you before. I’ve never felt like this and I’m not good at realizing what things mean. But I can’t ignore this. I don’t want to just bury my head and go back to being who I was. I hated that. I want to be here. I want to be with you.”

Rey’s own tears fall quickly as her lip trembles at his confessions. His thumbs brush past her cheeks. “Ben, that’s…” she shakes her head in disbelief. “That’s what I want too.”

He chuckles but it could have been a gasp. Or a sob. He looks like he’s a mix of shocked and relieved. Like he can’t quite believe it but he also wants to so bad. “You do?”

Rey presses to her toes, grabbing the damp collar of his shirt and pulling him the rest of the way. She kisses him fiercely, not afraid to hold anything back. There was nothing to hide anymore, she thinks. No reason to deny what they wanted any longer.

This kiss is different from their other ones. It feels closer and more urgent as they cling to each other tighter and tighter.

 _Ben came back for me. Ben wants to stay with me. Ben loves me,_ her thoughts cry out. It seemed too surreal, as if she could be dreaming. But it’s not. He’s here and she loves him. With all she has, she loves him.

Had she even told him yet? She wasn’t sure if her thoughts were being spoken aloud, her head was still spinning. 

She pulls away, both of them short of breath. But she speaks as well as she can, needing him to know. “I love you too, Ben.”

He gasps and a few more tears fall down his cheeks. “Yeah?”

She nods, her fingers brushing past his cheeks now. “Yeah,” she chuckles. He had run through the rain to see her and although he would probably have a cold in the morning, he looked too beautiful for Rey to be too bothered. Her thumb brushes past his lips, ridding his cheeks of his tears before he could cry anymore. 

“Why are you crying?” she asks him softly.

“Don’t you know why?” he whispers, reaching up to brace the back of her neck with his hand.

“Yes, I know exactly,” she tells him, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him again. 

* * *

Ben catches her in his arms, his head spinning for a moment before he manages to kiss her back with the same fervor as her. 

_She loves me._

He practically sobs into her mouth with the relief, _the emotion,_ that was crashing through him. The wave that had built up since his epiphany with Chirrut in his room was now flooding through him. Flooding through her! It was all too much. Too good. More than he ever could have hoped for. 

His hands trail down her sides, instinct guiding him as he grips her hips.

She moaned at the feeling, but he can tell she’s half focused on keeping to her toes. 

Bending down slightly, his hands brush past her backside before bracing under her thighs and pulling her against him. He picks her up with ease, walking forward to settle her on the edge of the counter behind her. 

“Ben,” she said in a gasp, her legs wrapping tightly around his hips as he pressed kisses all over her face, her jaw, her throat. 

“I love you,” he breathes again, feeling far too fortunate that he has the chance to tell her. 

She trailed her fingers through his hair and it makes him shudder. “I love you, Ben.” 

It awakens every part of him, including parts of him that yearn to humiliate him. Honestly, Ben was surprised he lasted as long as he has. His movements slow, unsure how to proceed. But then her legs tighten around him, bringing her hips against his, practically grinding against his rising member.

His body moves before his brain can catch up, too aroused by the contact, that he thrusts his hips against hers and both of them moan at the sensation. 

He freezes then, unsure if he’s stepped over some sort of line. Their breath is loud in his ear, her body slots perfectly against his. His heart is beating almost painfully out of his chest. 

“Rey,” he breathed out, trying to recall words. Any words. Anything besides her name that was repeating endlessly in his head like a mantra. 

Thankfully, she still seems capable of speech. But what she says has the potential to make him unravel. “Ben, I want to.”

“You...W-What?” he rasps out.

She chuckles, leaning closer. When she speaks her lips brush along his cheek. “I want to be with you,” she says, kissing the corner of his mouth. 

“You mean…?” 

_“I want you,”_ she whispers against his ear, her hand traveling between them, tracing past his abdomen.

Her words almost break him and it takes all his restraint not to buck into her again. “Really?” he asks, winded. 

“Please, Ben,” she moaned into his ear, arching into him. He groans at the feel of her, his fingers sinking deeper into the flesh of her thighs as he picks her up from the counter. He didn’t have to be told twice.

“I want you too,” he tells her quickly. His brain was almost short-circuiting as he wonders how he was even able to say those words in front of her but she gives him the courage to dive headfirst. 

He walks them towards her bedroom blindly as she catches his lips with hers again and his feet are left guessing. But after only knocking his elbows into a few corners, he is triumphant as he carries her into the bedroom. He sets her down in the middle of the room, both of them trying to catch their breath. 

Rey moves first, reaching to unbutton his shirt. He tries to help her and within moments it is tossed to the floor with a loud smack as it was still wet from the rain. 

He dives to kiss her again, too tempted not to as his feet wrestle with kicking his shoes off. Rey giggles as she hears them both land haphazardly on her floor. She continues to kiss him softly as her hands wander to unbutton his pants. He intervenes to help her but as his trousers fall to his feet, he groans out again as her hand gently brushes over the growing bulge in his boxers.

“Rey,” he hissed. 

Her hands trailing up again to settle over his bare chest. Over his heart. He watches her eyes roam over his body, his chest, his arms, his throat, his lips. She looks so reverent that for the first time, Ben thinks he may not be as awkward looking as he thought he was. It was odd to think he may be attractive to her.

“You’re so tall,” she smiles up at him. “But very beautiful,” she says, brushing some hair behind his ear. 

“No,” he tells her, shaking his head so that his hair falls back over his ear, hiding it as much as he can. “Not those,” he smirks, his cheeks burning. 

“ _Yes, those._ They’re perfect. Just as the rest of you,” she says with such certainty. As much as she had earlier that day when she had told him something similar. 

Ben thinks his tears could resurge then. It’s too surreal. So beyond everything he expected. He came down to apologize. To confess his feelings. To keep his promise to himself from earlier that day and to tell Rey just how much he loves her. 

He tried not to get too far ahead of himself, to expect her to confess her own feelings, but she had. Somehow, wonder of wonders, she felt the same. And now, she wants to share everything with him. Everything Ben thought would have forever been made impossible after she ran from him earlier that evening. 

He steadies himself on his feet after kicking off his pants and peeling off his damp socks. “I love you so much,” he tells her against her lips. 

She gives a contented sort of sigh as she lowers back to her feet. Her shoulders roll back a bit as her hands pull at her thin robe. It falls gracefully to the floor, a stark contrast to his heavy wet clothes. 

Ben’s breath catches as she stands before him, wearing only the slip he had seen her hang on the line just yesterday. The one she was wearing in his dream. 

So much seems to have changed from yesterday...from this morning when he had that dream...from just an hour ago. But he doesn’t bother with that now. He wants to focus on this. On now. And the lacy cream slip she was wearing.

It’s impossibly short. It ends high on her thighs and he groans at the few spots that had become nearly transparent from where she had been pressed against him and his wet clothes. He notices the small peaks in the fabric, accentuated even more as her chest heaves as much as his own. 

He’s not entirely sure what to do from here. Technically speaking, he knows what is meant to happen but getting to that point smoothly seemed a different matter. He’s heard how Hux speaks of women. Crass and demeaning. Little thought of their feelings and comfort. 

He thinks of how men in general regard women in terms of sex. How it was meant to be enjoyable for men and what the women experienced was of no consequence. From what Ben has heard at work, a woman wasn’t exactly partial to the act much in the first place. 

Ben wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he hurt her. His stomach twisted at the thought that for the sake of his own pleasure Rey would have to be in any kind of discomfort. 

Taking her hands in his, he confesses his fears. “Rey...I don’t want to hurt you.”

She shakes her head before he’s finished talking. “You won’t.”

“I _could_. I haven’t done this before and I don’t know how to make you feel like you should–”

“You are gentle,” she squeezes his hands. “And I trust you. I am as new at this as you. We can learn together.”

He nods, taking a deep breath before reaching up to cup her cheek. “How do you do that?”

“Do what?” she asks, kissing his chin.

“Make everything seem alright?”

“Because everything is,” she says simply. “You’re staying…”

“I am,” he nods, his throat seized with emotion. He doesn’t know what took him so long. He wonders if he would even have been physically capable of leaving. His body might have shut down before he could get on the plane. The best way his heart could tell his brain to abort the mission and stay right the fuck where he was. 

“And we love each other,” Rey says next, her lips trailing on his throat. 

“We do,” he chuckles but it’s followed closely with a sniffle. 

“We’re going to be fine.” 

He believes her more than he’s believed anything. 

“And as for all this…” she smiles, nodding between their bodies, “...I shared a room with Rose and Kaydel for years,” she chuckles. “They talked _a lot._ I have some ideas on how to go about it,” she tells him, her eyes looking down between them. 

His breathing starts to go shallow again, relieved by her assurances. Squeezing her hands, he lowers his face, closer to hers. Driven by desire and the freedom of truly being exactly where he wanted to be, he has only one request for her. 

“Show me.”

* * *

Ben’s words make her shudder.

She gives a single nod, acting in the spur of the moment before she could let her self-consciousness seep back in. He follows her, his eyes never leaving hers as she brings them to the bed and gently urging him to sit once the back of his knees hit the mattress. 

The bed creaks slightly at his weight. It was fairly large just for her but it looks a lot smaller with him on it.

She remains standing though, looking down at him as she steps away ever so slightly. His brows furrow, his hands instinctively reaching out for her but she holds up her hand, a silent request to trust her. To be patient. She sees him swallow roughly before lowering his hands back to his thighs. 

Tracing her own hands up the sides of her legs, she slides them past the hem of her slip, searching for the waistband of her underwear. She hears Ben give a sharp intake of breath as he realizes what she’s doing.

She pushed them past her hips and further down her legs until they fell to her feet. Ben’s eyes break away from her to look at them. But Rey doesn’t stop there. Her hands take hold of the ends of her slip, slowly pulling it over her head. Her hair falls over her eyes but she still sees him well enough to see his mouth hanging open and his hands now gripping his legs tightly. 

She was completely bared to him.

She takes the step forward, into his waiting hands that take hold of her hips and she settles her own on his shoulders, needing to steady herself. She feels almost dizzy as it seemed her heart had dropped to her core, beating wildly, making her ache with desire. 

“Rey,” his breath fanning over her chest. One of his hands rises past her side, her ribcage. But then his fingers brush over her breast and she gasps. Her reaction alone makes him cling to her tighter and the pressure is maddening.

He seems unsure if her reactions are encouraging or not so she brings her hand over his, urging him to hold to her tighter. To seize her and when he tentatively pinched her nipple she moans out into the room.

Her reactions must spur him on. Ben’s other hand at her back pulls her closer, to the point where Rey’s knees were hitting the mattress and making it difficult. So she rises one of her legs, settling her knee on the bed beside him before doing the same to the other one and sitting herself on his lap, straddling him. Ben moaned at the change in positions, his hands never leaving her body as he helps her scoot closer to him. 

His mouth dives for her throat, his kisses hungry against her skin and nipping at her slightly. Rey smiles against his ear, trailing her fingers through his hair. She cried out when she felt his other hand slip between them to seize her other breast. 

She doesn’t know how it came over her so suddenly, the need to move against him but it does. She rolls her hips against him and both of them cry out. She can feel him through his boxers more than before.

“Rey,” he breathes out. 

“I know,” she tells him. 

He nods before dropping his hands to hold fast to her back as he falls back onto the bed. He settles on his side, pulling her with him, against him. He kisses her so tenderly and he’s so gentle with her, especially when she feels his intentions focus lower, shifting his body until she feels his lips traveling down her throat, closer to her collar. Rey falls back onto the bed completely and he hovers over her. He seems to be afraid of crushing her but he holds himself above her and Rey rather likes the weight of him. Still, it doesn’t deter him from his task. His kisses are open and lingering, going further and further until she feels his nose brush past her chest, his breath heavy. 

She cranes her neck to look down at him and there’s a glint in his eye that matches his smirk as dove his face back down, his tongue roaming over her peaks.

Rey moaned out into the room arching against him, making him cry out as well. His attentions were driving her mad. She could hardly put two words together it was so consuming.

But after a moment, Ben rose to his hands, looking down at her wildly and his breathing unsteady but a slight smile on his face. Smiling back at him, she looks between them to his boxers still on his body. 

_Those need to go_ , she decides.

Trailing her hands down his sides, she reaches for his waistband, wedging her fingers beneath them in an attempt to push them down. 

* * *

Ben thinks he’s stopped breathing once he feels her wrestle with his underwear, trying to rid him of them. Rolling to his side, ensuring that he wasn’t crushing her leg, he tries to assist her, overly distracted by how she watches him and how difficult the act is. It was usually easier but they also didn’t usually feel this tight. 

As he’s finally free of them, he can hear her practically gasp as she sees him. All of him. 

Maybe, under any other circumstances, he would have shied away, tried to cover himself. But not now. Now he knows he doesn’t have to hide from her. She accepts him as he is. 

It’s a kind of comfort he’s not sure he’s ever really considered before tonight. How being accepted as he is, his flaws so blatantly laid bare, can mean so much to him. Because even knowing all that, she still chooses him. She still wants this with him. 

He gently rolls back to his place between her legs, lowering down to kiss her again. But he groans at the sudden awareness of something he’s only vaguely speculated about until now.

The slick feeling he has on his abdomen was undoubtedly from her. 

Curiously, his hand runs down, his heart pounding as he tentatively brings his fingers between them, tracing past her, desperate to learn more. Her reaction is immediate as she gasps against his mouth. “Ben,” she says in a breath, her hips jutting forward to meet him.

Slowly, he delves his fingers further, watching in awe as she writhes beneath him...just from his touch. And his mind practically screeches to a halt as he discovers her further, feeling how tight, and wet, and impossibly soft she was. 

He gasps then too, never quite comprehending until now what drove people to madness over all this. But his mind reels as his entire self seems to be overly consumed with an entirely new sense of need, even stronger than before. Stronger than desire or just wants but an instinctual and overpowering need. A need for _her._ And even further, the need for him to ensure she feels the same. And even if he feels like he can learn from her reactions alone, he wants her to tell him how.

“Like this?” he asks through gritted teeth, trying to keep his own body as calm as he can. He pulls his hand away, almost completely, before pressing back in.

“Yes,” she tells him. “But if you–”

He waits for her to explain further but then he realizes she will show him instead as her hand comes down to brace his wrist, helping him press deeper and he watches her head slump back against the pillows.

“Like that,” she says, pulling away once he falls into the same rhythm. “That’s how I usually–” she starts to say but quickly clamps her lips. He chuckles, looking down at her, understanding what she was revealing to him. 

_Does she…Could women even…?_

“You mean–?” he breathes out against her ear.

She gives a nod, her face still lost in a building sort of pleasure but he doesn’t miss how the corners of her mouth quirk up slightly.

“Me too,” he admits to her openly. “That’s why I was late for breakfast this morning,” he reveals further, his mouth lowering back to her breasts, laving against her. 

She laughs and Ben almost can’t believe he told her that but he eases right past it, still thinking that his current actions were already unbelievable enough but it was real. All of it.

Her hand threads back through his hair then and it makes him buck against the bed, his own body crying out for relief. But he ignores it, trying to prolong the pleasure she seemed to be feeling, enjoying far too much that he was responsible for it. 

But Rey seems to have other plans. Her hands slide under his arms, pulling him further up her body so his face was right over hers. She kisses him promptly, sloppily but he still gets lost in it and his hand pulls away from her center to catch himself before he crushes her.

He realizes now he’s gotten distracted but Rey seemed to anticipate that, her thighs tightening around his hips, keeping him where he is as her hands travel down from his shoulder blades, around his sides and past his navel, his breath hitching as he realizes her path.

He breaks away from her lips with a hiss as he feels her take hold of him. His curiosity from earlier seems to possess her now as she feels him, all of him, before grasping around him firmly. 

He actually groans then, trying not to lose all sense as his brain is quickly being overrun by...well, everything. Especially when he feels himself brush past her entrance. Both of them look to each other then, at this pivotal moment, on the verge of truly giving everything to each other. Her eyes remain certain. _Loving._ It reflects his mind and his heart so completely. He knows now, neither of them has to be afraid.

With the guide of her hands and the warmth of her body, he thrusts against her, slowly and finally pressing inside.

Both of them moan out at the sensation, tethering even closer as he sinks in. He thought touching her, feeling her with his hand, might have prepared him for how she actually fits around him but he was wrong. This was unlike anything he’s felt, he decides instantly, trying to catch his breath at the tight sheath that surrounds him. 

But when Rey gives a slight hiss in his ear, he freezes before almost reversing himself entirely, frightened at the thought she might actually be in pain.

But she senses his worry and clings to him tighter. “No, stay.”

“Does it hurt?” he asks almost frantically, not sure if he could bear the answer.

“No,” she says with the smallest chuckle against his shoulder. 

“Oh,” he breathes out in relief.

“You’re just big.”

Ben doesn’t know why that would make him feel so smug but it does.

“It’s new...but it feels nice.”

“You feel so good,” he can’t help but tell her.

He feels her smile against his skin. “Just...maybe keep going slow.”

“I will,” he promises. 

Carefully, he inches further in and soon enough finds himself to buried completely within her.

Already, he knows he won’t last long. 

Looking down, back between them he sees himself joined entirely with her and he nearly finishes then. Quickly closing his eyes, his head resting in the crook of her neck, he just hopes he manages to start this before he finishes it.

“Ben?” she whispers.

“Sorry,” he tells her. “I just...one minute,” he tries to explain, his teeth gritted tightly. He is relieved when it seems to pass slightly and he can finally open his eyes. But when he does, he pulls his head up to look at her. “Rey, I don’t think this is going to last very long,” he tells her, his voice still tight with restraint.

“It’s okay,” she tells him immediately.

Again, he knows she means it. 

He takes a few deep breaths before he moves his hips as well as he can, pulling out slightly enough to press all the way back in, to the hilt before doing it all over again.

He starts slowly at first, trying to prolong any sense of composure he could have. 

He didn’t think about the fact that he had technically just quit his job, or that everything he owned was still in New York, or how fucking ballistic Snoke would be when he found all this out because he honestly didn’t care. All he cared about at that moment was her.

And how amazing this felt.

There was nothing else beyond this, as far as Ben was concerned. It was just them now and that’s all that matters. 

He watches her beneath him. How her eyes close when she moans. How her hair fans out on the pillow when her head falls back. How she almost forms words together but can’t. He knows how she feels. He can’t seem to speak properly. 

She can though. “Ben...please,” she moaned as her hips start to meet his. “More,” she begs and that’s all Ben needs to hear. Their pace starts to speed up gradually. 

The bed beneath them creaks with their movements. Rey’s moans coincide with his own, getting louder as she arched beneath him. Her ankles locked at his back and her nails digging into his skin.

Watching her like this, knowing he’s brought her to this makes him feel oddly confident. He feels like he finally did something good. He didn’t ruin something for once and instead, they were chasing after something new. It builds higher than it ever could have with just his hand when he’s alone in his bed. This was different. It was stronger yet softer. Balanced yet dizzying. And it was by far the most amazing sensation coursing through him.

And it was all from her.

It’s then that Ben feels himself starting to slip, moaning out as he digs his fingers into the sheets on either side of her. 

“Rey…” he breathes out, trying to tell her something but he can’t remember what. He feels himself getting lost further and further instead. 

“Please,” she breathes back, her eyes looking up at him so openly. So loving. But then her mouth falls open again and that little pinch between her brows returns as he feels her body clench tighter to him, _all of her._

And that is all it takes for him to fall apart. He growls out, his thrusts are wild and unsteady as he feels his climax wash over him. He buries himself within her as deep as he can, pouring all he has left to give into her.

Both of them moan loudly then. Had they done this in his room, everyone in the house would have heard them. Their cries would have echoed through the halls and Ben wouldn’t have even cared because he felt too fucking perfect to mind. 

But they were here, in her little house, secluded and private and the with the storm outside raging on as their own seemed to finally subside. 

Ben can hardly catch his breath and his arms feel like they are made of jelly, but again, he doesn’t care. He lowers himself over her, unclenching his fists from the sheets. Her arms fall beside her head against the pillows as she tries to catch her breath as well. She was sweaty and breathless but Ben thinks she looks more beautiful than ever. Bringing his hand to her cheek, he can’t help but tell her. 

“I love you,” comes out instead, but he doesn’t mind. He loves to say that too.

She smiles, her eyes finally meeting his again and he settles his forehead against hers. “I love you,” she says back softly and Ben thinks he could cry again. 

Neither of them would ever be alone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really like writing smut but with these two, it seems like it's all for the greater good and I just have to deal with it...because it's not like I can just ignore it. They have to do it, I don't make the rules.
> 
> And also, because this is (what I now admit to calling) an Atonement 'inspired" story, naturally, I had to throw in this:  
> 


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